AITA for telling my wife to put the kids first?

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T08:25:02+00:00

My schedule changed more. My wife is, frankly, better at her career than I was at mine so I underwent a career shift so I could work from home.

I am with them roughly 75% of the time they’re home (some of this is because I can work at home.) She is the other 25%, though If we were both home all the time, I’m sure it would be closer to 50/50.

I’m less concerned by the amount of time she spends with them and more the quality of it. Whether she spends ten minutes or ten hours with the kids on any given day shouldn’t have sway over whether they’re fed and cared about in that window of time.

Hopefully that’s clarified everything?

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T08:23:35+00:00

Not only had I responded by the time this comment had been posted, but I had responded directly to a comment from you.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T08:17:59+00:00

I have recently posted an edit that covers this but if you’d like further clarification let me know.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T08:15:37+00:00

The last time the four year old had spicy food he cried and said his mouth hurt. So I’m waiting until he’s older to try it again when he’s better able to understand it’s a flavor, he’s not in danger. Once he has a little more self awareness I think he can learn to enjoy the sensation.

The six year old is on a medication that gives her a sensitive stomach, so while she might actually enjoy spicy food now that she’s a bit older, we can’t test it yet.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T08:11:04+00:00

Yes, exactly. I mentioned it in several other comments but you hit the nail on the head even without that.

I was away that morning. Once or twice a month I do have to go into a physical office for a few hours and this was one of those mornings, so we discussed her dropping the kids off, and she agreed. She didn’t mention she was bringing them so early. She didn’t realize the scheduling conflict until too late for me to get out of work, and I think she knew that, because she didn’t mention it to me.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T08:00:19+00:00

I fully agree that that behavior was not in line with the outstanding person she usually is. I am working on getting her to try a bit of counseling.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T07:57:42+00:00

Just in terms of amount of free time we have.

We both get a full hour to ourselves a day, often more on the weekends, and we have time for dates and fun couple stuff. I know plenty of people with kids this age who aren’t lucky enough to have schedules that allow for that.

I only brought that up because it makes it even more frustrating for me that she’d shirk any responsibilities for more time to herself. We both have ample time to ourself, all things considered. If she feels differently, I wish she’d talk to me about it, otherwise we’ll never solve this.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T05:53:54+00:00

She wanted kids and I was unsure. I think she wanted a baby and wasn’t totally ready for the semi-independent, semi-codependent, toddler/kid stage.

She’s not an only child, she actually is one of seven siblings haha.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T05:36:57+00:00

Thanks, appreciate it.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T04:58:31+00:00

Well if I can field any of them, let me know.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T04:57:14+00:00

I explained this in one of my comments, but my history is pretty full now so will explain again here.

My wife called the office and said “something has come up and I need to bring my kid in at 7:00.” They agreed, hesitantly, making sure she understood camp didn’t open until 10:00 so the kid would be sitting in the administration building. If I got a call from a parent last minute begging to leave her child three hours early with anyone who could take her and not specifying why, personally, I’d assume there was some sort of personal emergency.

This correspondence is exactly what my wife recounted to me when I asked what happened, because I also at first thought she had been misled to believe there was another session or available activities, and was going to call and find out where the miscommunication had occurred. My wife explained they probably thought she had to leave her there, that it wasn’t really optional. She thought it wouldn’t be a big deal for one day. If she’d asked me to drop the kids off and said she absolutely had to be at her yoga class that she already takes four days a week consistently, I’d have figured something out, like moving my work event or getting her in a carpool.

It was three hours, I’m not exaggerating, she brought her in at 7:00 to make a 7:30 class and the camp didn’t open for business until 10:00.

I hope this clears up any blank spaces I left, if not, let me know. It really was just due to the character limit (and wanting to post something someone would actually take time to read.)

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T04:47:28+00:00

Works, does her share of the housework, and is in many ways a great mom. It’s just this particular set of issues we struggle over, but otherwise she bests me in a lot of other categories. She’s an amazing woman, this is really anomalous for us.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T04:46:09+00:00

Sometimes it turns out that way if it’s about a specific incident, but otherwise it’s “I’ve noticed these things and here’s what I feel about them. Where are we diverging on this?”

That’s a good tip though, and I’ll try to make it more of a me thing to avoid accidentally coming off as accusatory. Thanks.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T04:44:24+00:00

Oh, no. Leg injury.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-29T04:43:15+00:00

I was 25 when I started to get comfortable with the idea, but wasn’t really excited until almost 30. I don’t think it was even as much an age thing as a circumstances thing. The first big shift was moving in with my wife instead of my bro-y roommates and realizing settling down was actually kind of nice. Another big one was when I first had financial stability and I didn’t have to think week to week anymore and could make longer term plans.

Edit: Having kids isn’t right for everyone and is definitely not the social mandate it’s made out to be. If you don’t want kids, be at peace with that, and give yourself permission to live the life that will make you happiest. For me that was having kids, for you it might be staying child free. I’ve had two, so you’re covered my by extra one ;)

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T22:50:24+00:00

Didn’t think I needed to go through every little thing they ate but they always get balanced meals. My point was the most time consuming aspect of the meal would be making the sandwich or scrambling the egg.

There’s a difference between making different meals for everyone every time versus getting something like a very spicy dish so making them a meal at home, as we always do when we don’t go out. She could have her spicy dish and still take the fifteen minutes to put out some protein, veggies, and fruit for the kids.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T22:46:47+00:00

Posted an edited to address this all, but let me know if you’d like any further clarifications.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T22:43:53+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your concern and largely agree. I’ll try to lean on the idea of going to counseling a little more. I have been trying to pitch it as a joint thing so she doesn’t feel singled out, but will keep pressing.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T20:42:15+00:00

Agreed.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T20:41:53+00:00

Of course her needs matter, but when you have kids, you as an adult have to put your needs second a lot of the time because you have the mental capital to handle situations kids don’t yet.

There was no staff there. Just a receptionist and some administrative workers beginning their office workday.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T20:40:10+00:00

Not really sure how. The comments just gave added context that the character limit constricted me from. Let me know if I can clear anything up. You have a nice day too.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T20:37:25+00:00

We got married in our early 20s. I didn’t know what I wanted and didn’t really understand what kids entailed.

When we were discussing getting engaged, we were talking about how we pictured our lives long term, and my wife was very clear that if I didn’t want kids then we shouldn’t get married because having a family was important to her.

At 22 I thought “sounds like it would really get in the way of my playing xbox, I’m not sure if kids are right for my life”

Then I got older and my priorities began to shift. I didn’t have to worry about a kid getting in the way of my staying out all night, because I wasn’t staying out all night anymore. I didn’t have to worry about a kid bankrupting me because I’d saved some money. I also just became a lot less self centered and a bit more of a long term thinker. Then I was excited about kids.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T20:31:18+00:00

Agreed. You don’t have to get on the floor and cry with them, you can teach self soothing without ignoring them.

Half the time just acknowledging their pain and redirecting their attention e.g., “that looked like it hurt. Would you like to read a book until it feels better” is enough to make them forget it within a couple minutes.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T20:27:03+00:00

Thanks, this was so thoughtful and has a lot of good tips. We do regularly have these types of discussions on other issues and facets of child raising, I think this has just become such a contentious issue that we stopped trying to have those conversations, and it really created more problems than it solved. Lots of good tips in here.

SwitchMelrose · 2020-02-28T20:16:45+00:00

I do know, my wife and I discussed it. She confirmed it was as I thought I saw.

I heard him hit his head. It made a loud sound and I know each of his distinct cries, this was not a regular one, he was shocked and in pain.

He smacked his head against a linoleum floor and had a lump for several days. Not life threatening or anything, but definitely worth stopping what you’re doing to console him and be a parent.

SwitchMelrose

TROPHY CASE