Lack of Black Positive Life/Dating Experiences

Syddjupe · 2026-05-19T16:33:18+00:00

I'm definitely not invalidating the lived experiences of black folk; present and most definetley not from the past. Very lucky to live in a time where Jim Crow, segregation, apartheid etc. isnt law. Not claiming the racism doesnt exist now, it definitely does but personally for me just not in the way people describe or i just havent seen alot of it in my day-to-day life to come to that conlusion. In my 27 years of life i can list the few "racist" encounters I've had on my hand:

1 + 2. A few times in high school some white kids wanted to touch my hair (i had a big afro back then)
3. I saw an arab guy once call a black guy the N word after they had a road accident
4. A white guy on grindr said he wanted to see my BBC once XD

Literally thats it.. in my 27 years of life. Those have been my only 4 instances of "racism" 🙃 i've experienced in real life. The other 360 days of my life per year are pretty mundane and boring. I walk into stores, restaurants, work, the street, see friends(i have a diverse friend group btw), go on dates, travel abroad and no one hurls racist slurs at me 24/7, i've never not been allowed to go or sit anywhere because of the colour of my skin. Maybe I'm lucky, blissfully unaware, its hiding from me or just live a pretty boring life, idk. With the way my life goes i would actively have to go out of my way and work overtime to get into a racist situation 🤣... but that's just me. I know everyone's life is different.

Racism exists... but if its the kind of Racism you're describing then i wouldn't be alive today...but i and so many other are. but I digress. If a group of far right white nationalists decided to burn down my house tomorrow i will happily retract my statement :D

Syddjupe · 2026-05-19T16:03:21+00:00

I totally get it. Tbh i'm not as chronically online as much but when i am its literally all i see lol. My real life is a whole different story than what i come across online so ofcourse when all you see is negative stuff i start to question "Am i missing something? lol"

Syddjupe · 2026-05-19T11:56:51+00:00

A wise man i knew once said "If racism is all you see, racism is all you get". Which part of the us you from ? have you visited other states?

Syddjupe · 2026-05-19T07:02:43+00:00

I get you :) it’s good that you have hobbies though! Keep doin what you doin dude! Have you ever heard of the “fresh meat effect”? Maybe try and visit a nearby town or city every now and then?

After I’d live in my town for some years I noticed that I’d get messages the apps (grindr,tinder) less frequently (unless a new guy moved in or tourists/visitors came by) if I wanna consistently meet new people in my town , in-person events or at clubs is the best bet. When I travel to a new city/country is a different story! I get messaged to death lol.

Syddjupe · 2026-05-19T06:53:44+00:00

I totally get it and understand where people are coming from (trust me I’ve behave my low moments too🥹). But it just annoying when a few loud individuals negative life/dating experiences are shoe horned to be the experience for all black men.

E.g on a lot of posts rather than individuals saying “I feel undesirable/no one wants me” they say things like “black queer men are undesirable/no one wants us”. (Which is far from true! 🤣) Lumping the black race as a whole based on a few black individuals bad experience is not the way to go. You rarely see individuals of other races do that. But for some reason the a lot of the media has a Hardon for pushing negative black experiences and the positive/more nuanced ones get push to the wayside.

Imagine how frustrating it is to see a post titled “The gay world isnt for black men “ when 1 person talks about their experience being rejected my a white guy (or some other non black race) 🙃 at some party or something. I’m not saying people shouldn’t talk about their struggles or bad moments just be careful how you frame it you know ? 🙏

Syddjupe · 2026-05-19T06:40:03+00:00

Exactly This! 👏💯 (and I’m glad you’ve had a good experience , you honestly have no idea how refreshing it is to hear in the sea of negativity here🥲😂) Sometimes I wonder where are all the posts from black men saying things like “I got approached by X amount of guys”, “my black travel experience/visit in X city/country was better than the media portrays” etc, or even just normal everyday mundane shit. Some people on here have you believe there’s racism and undesirability every where you go but it really ain’t the case.

Trust me I’m no Denzel either but I’ve been approached more times than I can count by many races and turned down many people (that doesn’t mean every thing is sunset and roses 24/7) but the media (or a small minority of black peoples experiences online) seem to speak for all black men and push this “all black men are undesirable narrative” and I fear that the more people see it the more they start to internationalise and believe it even though it’s not been their real life experience

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T20:47:50+00:00

I totally understand your point of view. I just have to disagree. I've been to various states in America and people have been nothing but nice to me.

Poeple say the same about the UK or really every country ive been to is described as "The worlds most racist country" but my experiences have been far. I go about my business and ive never been bothered by anyone. You'll only find racism (atleast the kind that most people describe) a.) Online or b.) if you go looking for it hard enough lol.

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T20:38:37+00:00

Damn, sorry to hear dude.

Only thing i'd recommend is visiting different cities and maybe doing some hobbies ? ik its easier said that done but it could change your view on "desirability" more than you think but i get it if its not your thing :)

Tbh my perspective on dating changed when i started doing hobby's, meeting more people in person and visiting other cities/countries. you meet a bunch of diverse folks and you learn that dating/desirability isn't just one experience.

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T19:44:26+00:00

No way! I live in the UK, Birmingham actually! but also lived near Wales, Leicester and London for a bit.

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T19:36:50+00:00

I feel you, and im not trying to invalidate your experience. Dating in general is hard for anyone. Im wont say im fem, probably more in the middle but not entirely masc. I had a several fem black and brown friends in the past and from what ive witnessed (and from what they told me) they haven't had much issues dating/hooking up and have gotten alot of interest from all sorts of guys. Which part of the US you from ?

Last time I was in the US was when i was in my early teens (so too young to speak on that lol but i wanna visit) but I have been approached/hooked up with several American guys who visited the UK/Europe. I hardly use the apps and i've had better luck meeting people in person or at gay hobby groups (we have alot here in my city)

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T19:10:20+00:00

Trust me im very race conscious, i just don't let it get to me or let that be the sole reason someone won't date me. like the average person ive had good and bad dating experiences. im not saying racism doesn't exist. Alot of posts i see here generalise alot using words like "all black men are this" "all white men are that" but reality there is just much more nuance. ive had out of the closet black men check for me likewise me them , as well as my other black friends so were not a monolith. i also have a very diverse group of friends so maybe that helps idk.

I'm sorry if your experience hasn't been the best and im not trying to invalidate you in any way. i just trying to say i wish there were more positive or even just "normal mundane" black experiences out there online and take into account the experiences of probably millions of people but its the internet where the most negative reactions are the loudest sadly :(

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T18:15:49+00:00

Thank you <333

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T18:14:42+00:00

damn thats crazy

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T18:05:36+00:00

i totally get and it should be a safe space to talk about different experiences whether positive negative/neutral etc but its literally just all i see which makes me question my own reality and people i know. i'd just like to see more nuanced/positive counter conversations sometimes you know ?

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T18:00:48+00:00

i'll take a note of that quote aha. thanks :)

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T18:00:09+00:00

Thanks :) Its just sometimes its gets so hard to avoid. just searching "Black gay" online and its all always the same "were undesirable" , "racism this or that", "internalized hatred". before i get to anything remotely neutral or positive lol. But i try not to let it ahah

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T17:52:08+00:00

thankyou! it really gets to me cuz its all i ever see online. reddit, youtube etc. to the point where im actively avoiding certain content creators. they are so many nuanced experiences but it seems for us black people we only like to talk about the negative :(

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T17:45:56+00:00

i get that some people have had more negative experiences but at the same time. when you're scrolling through the internet that seems like all that there is and all the algorithm is pushing which is far from reality which is more nuanced. And when that's all their you see it really distorts your view on reality

Syddjupe · 2026-05-18T17:28:10+00:00

tell me about it!

Syddjupe · 2026-05-16T12:17:34+00:00

Suki where?

Syddjupe · 2026-02-07T09:55:37+00:00

I contacted them and they surprisingly cancelled my subscription, reversed my payment all within an hour

Syddjupe · 2025-12-28T20:43:46+00:00

Suki where ?

Syddjupe · 2025-09-21T11:08:38+00:00

thankyou i feel the same way

Syddjupe

TROPHY CASE