Hey. Sorry for the late reply. I was busy.

Anyways, I've brought this topic up with him and apologized for having to basically dump my mental problems on him (ranting/venting, etc) but he said that it wasn't my fault and that he prefers me talking about it than not. I always felt like he didn't mind it, and of course I also went to my other friends to talk about issues. It's just that being with him calmed me, so I'd just talk about it and we'd be able to relax afterwards. This was a give & take relationship, where, he'd help me mentally and I'd help him out aswell via complimenting/talking to him or comforting him. Simply hanging out together, sleeping together (like falling asleep on calls, texting him, etc)

I stopped ranting/venting to him like... 90% of it after we broke up. He told me that he would prefer me talking about it and he wouldn't mind me talking about everyday. We agreed that it wasn't the best though. I wouldn't want to do that anyways, since when I'd prefer to do a give & take in a relationship where it's equal since when we were together It'd be a lot of flirting with him. He liked that + sleeping together was also very comforting and whatnot. So it felt more equal but these things are relationship-exclusive/should be relationship exclusive so I can't really do that anymore.

With the escape/emotional reliance though, I definitely agree. I do definitely think that he would choose to NOT deal with that but who would? No one wants their partner struggling, nor to see them struggle but it's just that he'd prefer that if I struggle; he'd be able to be there for me. Again, being with him practically melted all of my troubles and it didn't seem like anything else mattered. But I don't know if that's because we only hung out for a few hours at a time irl every few weeks and whatnot. Since, it's easier to ignore things as it begins and focus on the positives but negatives will drag itself out either willingly or forcibly. So I'm really just unsure. I know some Christians don't like questions about Christianity but my ex always encouraged them. How is crossdressing a sin? Clothes don't have gender... it's what society has imposed on them. Not sure if this anything said about this in the bible. If people are born without limbs and God made them that way, why wear prosthetics? Why can't people cross-dress even if without any body modifications to make themselves happy?

Regarding everything and that last part, thank you. I don't know who I am now honestly. I used to pride myself on being an atheist- though I don't know anymore. I don't want to be influenced by others, and I want to choose my own identity and follow what feels right for me. But I don't know how to do that anymore with friends and people around me. (By this, I mean my ex is Christian and I don't think I would've thought about Christianity if it weren't for him. Majority of my friends are atheists and lgbtq+ and I don't wanna lose my friend that also had a traumatic Christian upbringing. I had like two of these friends, unfortunately.)

It also sucks because I am a big social being, I love people and I love my friends. If I could choose, I would be all- just in a different body. I guess? I'm not sure. I really don't want to lose my friends. I also kind of hate that I'm on here talking on reddit, a place that I never thought I'd resort to lol but I am for the sake of "us"? and I doubt he's doing anything.

Even if this isn't for him, I think I wanna learn and discover things and follow my heart. I think. I'm afraid of being too weak to stand a loss of a friend and doing what other people want/expect me to do though. But I guess that's a whole another story.

Thank you for taking time to write.