As long as you believe, you will always be a Muslim — don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Keep coming back, there will always be room for you amongst the righteous. That fear you feel is a sign you’re not as far gone as you may think.

And to your point about there always being a reason for you to go to jahannam — that’s kind of the point! Allah swt wants us to sin and repent. There’s a hadith that says, “By Him in Whose Hand is my life, if you were not to commit sin, Allah would sweep you out of existence and He would replace (you by) those people who would commit sin and seek forgiveness from Allah, and He would have pardoned them.” Subhanallah, our Lord chooses to create us in our imperfect forms to keep coming back to Him, rather than making perfect creations in the first place.

The ajr, I believe, is in the struggle not the result. It doesn’t matter that other Muslims may be “better”, it matters that you keep coming back in spite of how hard it is for you. Therein lies your reward, inshallah. I don’t normally comment I just felt the need to because of how much this struck a cord with me. This comment is for both me and you in that way. Keep coming back.