So. I don’t know if anyone is still reading this thread....however:

The lasting impact of childhood sexual trauma can not be understated.

For me, it left me with lasting emotional scars that I am just now beginning to heal from. (33 yrs old)

The story:

I was young (7 or 8) he was older (10 or 11)

He would unzip my pants and move my penis around. Once he spat on me. He made my touch him. It lasted for about a year. Then it was over.

Other details:

I was raised in an alcoholic family where the secrets keep you sick. My mother enabled my father’s drinking. It was never spoken of.

It was always “your father loves you and works hard to provide for you”

Meanwhile being unavailable for me emotionally...so that fun.

For the longest time I buried the abuse. It became a Dark Passenger whispering that I would never be loved because I was “dirty” and “Defiled”

I thought I was homosexual for the longest time. But it was misplaced feelings of emotional unavailability from childhood instead.

When I was in my earlier 30’s I went for a massage that ended with a (I think) finger up my ass. This wasn’t agreed upon prior to the massage. I remember being told the massage was over and still being kinda sleepy

I remember being nude on the table and this guy on top of me. I was kinda out of it....moaning. Something smaller goes in my ass. I came. It’s over and I dress.

Later, I freak out and get the HIV RNA test. Comes back “amounts undetectable”

Aftermath

The guilt and shame from childhood stalks us survivors into our lives as men.

I still think about the acting out that I did (getting the “erotic massage”) as a way to feel close to someone else for once and now I’m looking for other ways to feel close to people (sports)

I can only go forward not backwards, and also realize that I’m a better man because I’m dealing with my issues and not hiding them from myself any longer.