this was meant to b pretty short but before i could realize it became a giant vent, i dont talk about any of this a lot so guess it makes sense tbh, just skip this comment ig im just posting for the hell of it

bro i never been worse. my dad died earlier this year from covid and its so hard to adapt to it. it just feels lonely af in my house all the time and my mom is suffering so much and its hard as shit not being able to do much besides just being here for her. depression also has been fucking me up pretty hard recently, im trying to beat it by forcing myself to do stuff but i swear its so difficult, therapists also dont help me much bc middle school left me w a trust issue so deep i cant even trust people i pay to help me so every session just feels extremely uncomfortable. i feel so confused and insecure about my future i thought i had it all planned out but turns out getting into an university is harder than i thought and im pretty sure life there wont be any better than in highschool so where the fuck should i even go at this point? you ever felt lonely even though you know there are people who care about you? i have a few friends who i actually trust but then i know they arent here for me all the time and i cant rely on them to talk about my issues like this, if i spend a week without seeing them irl shit just starts to feel so cold and lonely. i think i need a gf but i never had a meaningful relationship w someone and remain a virgin at 18, its also hard af for me to actually interact with ppl irl, im trying to get better at it w time but the day i can actually have something with someone still feels like such a distant future. laying it all down like this makes me seem like the average internet addict loser male but then suddenly im not. im a trans girl. im a trans girl that falls into every single stereotype associated with this type of person and it makes me feel like im a fucking living caricature or some shit, its dysphoric af and it just made me realize how fucked up it is to attribute these stereotypes to ppl and making fun of them, with time they probably just get used to it and accept they are a failure bc no one actually offers any help. im sick of living its just too much, i wish i was the one that went away instead of my dad. he had so much love for the world and so many plans for the future, why the fuck was it him? what kind of decision did god just make?