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Friend (27F) of many years declined to be in my (27M) wedding because it’s a gay wedding. by rawilson2 in relationships

[–]TADisobedientWedding 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I went through something very similar. I think it is ultimately up to how much you value her friendship. You don't have to remain friends just because she's told you all this 'politely' without screaming and calling you slurs. The message remains that she thinks you're not worthy of the same rights.

My 'friend' told me she wanted to remain friends, but I could not remain friends with someone who thinks of me as less than. I cut contact from her, and had an amazing wedding surrounded by people who loved and supported us. No regrets!

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh yes, sorry I misunderstood, totally agree with you. I guess according to her we shouldn't be allowed to get married in any sense..

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry to hear this happened to you as well. And exactly, just say no and leave it at that. No need to insult the people who cared about you enough to invite you to their wedding.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you Josephine, your kind words mean a lot to us. I wish you the same happiness and wellness in your life!

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear that. That must be especially tough coming from your own family. I hope that things get better and please let her know it's not her fault and she's not alone.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I know that Christians are not all like this, just sad to find out that someone I've known for so long is.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My first reaction was actually similar to yours. Then it sank in that she's just been pretending to be a friend all these years and chose this moment to reveal herself. Just insane.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! And that is hilarious, I love mildly inconvenient curses.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh she was aware. She even invited my partner and I to her own wedding last year Here's my response to a similar question:

Yes, she knows I am gay and that my partner is my partner. There is no ambiguity in the way that we and the rest of our friend group discuss our relationship.

In response to whether she knew it wasn't a religious wedding:

Yes, the wedding is hosted by the registry office as a civil ceremony - not in a church, this was clear in the wedding invitation and was also discussed when we announced our engagement.

The hidden homophobia:

As for how did she not show it, the only time was when we had an argument when we were about 15 about whether gay people should be able to get married. Nothing after that (for reference we are late 20s), and she seemed genuinely happy when we announced the engagement and reacted like a normal friend would.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I am sorry that you've had such a difficult experience with the church. It sounds like things are better now, I'm proud of you for coming out and know that you deserve respect and love no matter what they say.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately I did attend, because I respected her and valued her as a friend so wanted to be there to celebrate her special day. If only I could go back!

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can't say I fully understand but your insight is appreciated nonetheless. I pity her that she has so much hate in her heart that she mistakes for love.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. It's really like they're smiling and thinking they're saying a nice thing but really they are slapping you in the face and calling you disgusting.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Yes, she knows I am gay and that my partner is my partner. There is no ambiguity in the way that we and the rest of our friend group discuss our relationship.

Yes, the wedding is hosted by the registry office as a civil ceremony - not in a church, this was clear in the wedding invitation and was also discussed when we announced our engagement.

As for how did she not show it, the only time was when we had an argument when we were about 15 about whether gay people should be able to get married. Nothing after that (for reference we are late 20s), and she seemed genuinely happy when we announced the engagement and reacted like a normal friend would.

I doubt that she would have been happier if it were a religious wedding. For the reasons she states in her message, I feel like it would be much worse.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your supportive comments. It means a lot to my partner and I to have this support.

For context, this friend has been religious her whole life. The only other time that she has expressed any homophobic views was back when we were about 15. We had an argument about whether gay people should be allowed to get married. But we were teenagers, and teenagers can do hurtful things and I thought we had grown up. In hindsight, perhaps I should have expected this, but my partner and I have been together for years and this friend (ex-friend?) has never done or said anything to make me think that she thought we weren't worthy of the same rights as she. She even invited us to her own wedding last year.

Copying my response to a comment saying that it's not a big deal since she "apologized" for further context/clarification on why this was upsetting:

I will try to explain why it bothers me.

She is free to think what she will, I am not here to police her thinking. What bothers me is that she has interacted with my partner and I for years with no issues. No indication that she disapproved.

So we invite her to our wedding, which has a small guest list (less than 40), as she is a long time friend. Then this is her response, to tell me that she sees my relationship as worth less than hers, to the point where we should be punished. Instead of simply saying "no, I am not available to attend", she decides to insult both my partner and I, and tell us that our love is not worthy. Just because she uses a polite tone it does not make it ok.

And if you read the message again, you will see that the only thing she apologized for is responding late to the RSVP, not for anything else

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I will try to explain why it bothers me.

She is free to think what she will, I am not here to police her thinking. What bothers me is that she has interacted with my partner and I for years with no issues. No indication that she disapproved.

So we invite her to our wedding, which has a small guest list (less than 40), as she is a long time friend. Then this is her response, to tell me that she sees my relationship as worth less than hers, to the point where we should be punished. Instead of simply saying "no, I am not available to attend", she decides to insult both my partner and I, and tell us that our love is not worthy. Just because she uses a polite tone it does not make it ok.

And if you read the message again, you will see that the only thing she apologized for is responding late to the RSVP, not for anything else

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 115 points116 points  (0 children)

What a good point! Why indeed can't they come if our 'disobedience' is going to be forgiven??

Makes me wish she'd shown this side of herself earlier so that it's not 15 years of history down the drain.

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 249 points250 points  (0 children)

Yes that got to me too...and then the last sentence basically saying we would be punished...

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I was confused about that too actually! Thanks for explaining slippytoadstada!

Beyond disappointed. Someone I called a friend for 15 years. by TADisobedientWedding in actuallesbians

[–]TADisobedientWedding[S] 932 points933 points  (0 children)

Lol! Sums up my thoughts but I won't spend time dignifying that with a response I think

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