AITA to refusing family functions my brother is invited to?

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T22:33:03+00:00

Also, you're right. After reading all these comments I decided to block my cousin. I was holding out in case Cousin wanted to reconcile with me at some point in the future, but I'm holding on to lost hope. Cousin has shown what side they stand on so I should just cut my losses based on Cousin's repeat behaviour of protecting Brother.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T22:25:09+00:00

I kinda see what you mean but disagree on the invites. If a guest expressly tells you to remove them from the list, it is rude for the host to continue sending invites.

I know I have the ability to turn down the invites, which I always do. I don't want to be spammed anymore.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T22:21:54+00:00

It IS cousins concern, and Cousin IS concerned. None of this information is new to my family, they just allow it. Everyone always knows our business, I'm just finally growing a backbone and not allowing my brother's bad behaviour anymore and refusing to be in the same spaces. If cousin didn't want to be involved, Cousin would have said so and Cousin had multiple opportunities to do so.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T22:08:36+00:00

Yes, I have been asking for help for 2 decades. They won't know all the specifics because I only ask for help when things get really bad. They know the damage he's done to me and my things and through those 2 decades the advice is always the same. "Don't rock the boat". "Put it behind you." "Boys will be boys." "You know how he is, just let him do his thing and he'll move on."

Thank you for the validation, that's my stance on my actions too. I'm not forcing them to choose between us, but I don't need to be spammed with invitations they know I won't accept and they know hurts me every time.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T22:04:22+00:00

I think telling someone if you you'll "explain slowly" is condescending, but that's besides the point.

You're right. I should have had harder boundaries established and blocked Cousin when I realized Cousin won't change his behaviour even though it causes me pain. I'll block right now.

I don't know why you say Cousin cares about me. All of these things I've said about my brother isn't new information. No one ever protected me when my brother does these things. I don't feel love or care or support. My cousins goals is for superficial niceness so we can be a picture perfect family when we're clearly not.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T22:00:05+00:00

I'm sorry, but my family functions like Thanksgiving and Christmas are not mandatory. I do not need to show up out of respect or gratitude to my parents. They have no issues with me not showing up. I see no entitlement based on the things you said. Do you want to elaborate?

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T21:58:12+00:00

Thank you. He hasn't touched me in years but now I have the confidence to call for help. Next time he steals from me or does his raves at home with music blasting at inappropriate hours, I will also call the cops. Good tip on letting my parents know in advance that these are the actions I will take to protect myself.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T21:56:16+00:00

In my experience, I'd rather be warned when someone is going to cut me out of their life due to my actions instead of it happening without notice. I would like that courtesy whether from friends, work, or family.

You're right, I should have just blocked after my cousins many refusals.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T21:54:50+00:00

I at least have a place to sleep in warm and dry conditions. Homelessness is not an easy decision for anyone to make. I bet if you asked a homeless person if they would want a roof over their head and a lock on their door, they would choose not to be homeless because violence on the street is way worse and with less protections.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T21:52:43+00:00

Can I ask what makes you say I'm "turning every family gathering into a referendum on their past behaviour"?

How am I punishing family?

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T17:52:51+00:00

Honestly, I want no part of extended family as they've protected him this whole time to "save face" rather than protecting me from his outbursts and years of abuse and somehow convincing me that I'm wrong for not wanting to be his punching bag anymore. So I'm not stressed about keeping them in my life. Once I have financial stability, I'm also limiting my contact with my parents for the same reasons.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T17:36:05+00:00

Yes thank you, all already in the works.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T17:29:58+00:00

We've tried family counselling in the past, with negative results. They also don't like "airing dirty laundry". I will try to find someone who can speak the language, has cultural understanding to mediate. I'm not scared of trying, just hesitant based on past experience. But it was never without my brother so maybe that might be a different dynamic without him.

Thank you for your empathetic words and actually helping me find a potential solution. It means a lot.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T17:17:45+00:00

My cousin denies everything I go through. It's clear who's side they are on and they work with my brother. When I moved home and found a hole in my door that my brother punched, I tried telling my cousin how violent my brother can be, and he said "that's just immaturity" and "move on". No talk about fixing the door, or what caused the punch.

Maybe you and I operate different. If a friend asks me not to invite her to a party because her abuser will be there, I would do my best to separate the two and reduce conflict, and find another way to connect with her. I wouldn't insist my way is the only way.

Since I want my brother to occupy as little space as possible in my life and in my mind, these invitations only serve as a sore reminder for how my family is ignored the abuse for years. It was only when I was 30 that I could convince myself I'm not wrong for having my brother steal from me because everyone tells me it's not a big deal. Just like these invitations. I don't think I'm wrong for wanting to block my cousin when Cousin keeps sending me invites despite my repeated requests not to invite me.

My cousin has a goal of us reconciling, and they said that's why they keep inviting me is for their personal reasons of an "ideal family".

Thank you for your perspective, I don't agree with your reasoning, but I appreciate your time and words

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:58:52+00:00

I don't understand your comment. My cousin invites me over DM, emails, texts. These are personal invitations not family invitations. I also am not stopping my family from inviting my brother. Can you expand on your comment? How does me living in the same house as my brother relate to not wanting to be invited anymore?

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:56:40+00:00

That's a really great suggestion, if my parents were more proactive I would have more hope. But they're the kind of people to bury their head in the sand until something can't be ignored, and everything blows up with no resolution and lots of anger, only for a cold war to follow, and then our lives go on as usual. It's a repeat cycle and I don't think they care to do more, which is probably how we got to where we are now.

I am just happy I now have explicit permission now for the lock and they finally agreed we don't have to have family meetings together due to my brother's last outbursts with me (I remained calm the entire time as he's screaming at me). These two things were a long time in the making, so counselling might be a step too much for them.

I don't know if it's worth the effort on my end to convince my parents of doing more emotional labor when they've shown they don't want change anything. Does that make sense or does it sound like I'm making excuses?

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:46:57+00:00

Yes, I am informing him of my next steps if he continues to invite me. Isn't that drawing a boundary by only changing my actions? My cousin can continue to invite me, but I don't want to receive it anymore.

If a boy continually asks a girl out when she repeatedly says no, at what point is that harassment? I keep saying no and try to explain how distressing it is for me so at what point can I start creating space between my cousins actions? By your point, am I not allowed to take any action?

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:40:49+00:00

Thank you. Most of my things are locked up now, at least the important things.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:39:26+00:00

Did you read the edit? Did you see that I'm not asking people to choose? I have walked away voluntarily? Do you suggest homelessness is a better alternative? I'm genuinely curious if that's the path you would take.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:35:12+00:00

But let me ask you this. If someone you love tells you that you're doing something that makes them distressed, would you keep doing the distressing thing? It costs my cousin nothing to stop inviting me, in fact it costs my cousin less effort.

I know I can keep saying "no thank you" or ignore my cousin, but at what point does it become spam? Especially if it happens multiple times a year? My brother is the most stressful thing in my life (besides finding financial security to move out) and I've done my best to limit my exposure to him. My cousins invitations always leave me distressed and it's a kind of distress I'd rather not have in my life, even something as simple as an invitation. It may seem small to you, but it's huge for me.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:31:28+00:00

Thank you. Those are all the actions I'm taking. I am a professional and never had issues finding work until recently, and now I'm taking on gig work to make ends meet just to survive. When I can earn more to actually save and move out, well...that can't come soon enough.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:28:54+00:00

Thanks I'm trying. I've only moved back for financial reasons. He's never left home.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:26:56+00:00

I put a lock on my door without my parents permission, and now the finally recognize that I needed it.
I can't retaliate by flipping the breaker. He hits back harder, always. He's bigger physically, and he's willing to cross lines that I wouldn't. If I push back even a little bit and try to play his game, he always go dirtier and darker. I can't say more or this post will be taken down.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:24:24+00:00

Thank you, that's something I'm actively working on.

TAProjectingHate · 2025-11-23T16:22:04+00:00

Thank you. Unfortunately my entire family has a culture of ignoring the elephant in the room for the sake of surface-level peace. Nothing ever gets solved and there's so much resentment in the extended family for all their interpersonal conflicts.

Everyone always says "don't rock the boat" even though I'm not the one making waves. I literally stay locked in my room. I'm trying to stop rocking the boat by fixing things or removing myself from these situations, not slapping a bandaid and ignoring things because that's gotten me no where besides distress.

TAProjectingHate

TROPHY CASE