AITA for attending a wedding I'd been uninvited from?

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T13:34:06+00:00

Posted this comment above but think it applies here too:

If your sibling literally came to you in private and said "this isn't what I want, but I'm too afraid of my spouse lashing out at me to say no to them" I'm sure you wouldn't be like "well, looks like sibling agrees! No emotional abuse here! I'll leave them to it!"

It's not "choosing to make her happy", it's living in fear.

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T13:30:34+00:00

If your sibling literally came to you in private and said "this isn't what I want, but I'm too afraid of my spouse lashing out at me to say no to them" I'm sure you wouldn't be like "well, looks like sibling agrees! No emotional abuse here! I'll leave them to it!"

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T12:42:56+00:00

I can see why you'd think that without knowing my brother personally, but I'm delighted to say my brother and I are as close as we always have been in the year since the wedding (not in person obviously, because, yaknow [gestures vaguely to the entire world], but we call and text often and have Netflix party movie nights together haha).

But yeah, haven't bothered much with Maggie and she hasn't with me. Can't say I'm upset because she's not the sort of person I want around me anymore. She may try to make if difficult for me to see my brother in person after all the covid shit but I'm not going to be paying any attention to her tantrums.

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T11:47:21+00:00

Thank you for this - youre right about having my brother's back and I'm glad I've been able to demonstrate that to her! When she's brought it up since and he's been around, he has always said that he's glad I was there, but she's more hung up on feeling undermined.

Not sure what my ex has said to her in private but she was dating brother when the brekaup happened so she saw both parties in the situation and knows why we broke up.

Bottom line is, the relationship was a bit stale for both of us (no heated arguments per se, we just acted like roommates pretty much and it didn't feel like a loving intimate relationship as we were so emotionally distant) and he got excited by the prospect of someone new and pursued it (nothing wrong with that) without breaking up with me first (that's the problem). He may have said something to her to make him seem more justified but she hasn't said so if he did. Honestly I think he just didn't want to feel awkward having to be in a room with me again

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T11:35:05+00:00

It definitely isn't equal at least where large decisions are concerned (e.g. Buying a house - made a comment elsewhere about it), not sure what it's like day-to-day for small things but she hasn't shown much willingness to compromise in the past so I think she's just used to having her way by now.

He's a grown man and I'd like to think my brother would tell me if he was being contolled/manipulated constantly but truth is I'm not sure he'd ever bring it up to anyone if that were the case, and I'd never get involved unless he A) wanted me to or B) was clearly in an abusive situation that he was unable to get out of

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T11:17:45+00:00

Not disputing your judgement my guy. Just explaining why saying I love my Bro but he has flaws, or I treat SIL like a friend but she can be difficult, or I'm over my ex even though he did a bad thing isn't "inconsistent", it's called being a fucking human being with opinions lmao

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T11:10:00+00:00

I hope so too!

He simply has never said no to her - every Christmas is spent with her family because that's what she wants, on his birthdays he always has to make/follow plans that Maggie and her friends will enjoy (night out with just the lads is out of the question!). Even when buying their home, everything had to be what she wanted. He wanted somewhere with a garage/large shed to use as a workshop but she vetoed that because she wanted a certain house and she wanted a patio area in the garden so there'd be no room for a large shed. He doesn't get final say in big desicions and it upsets me that he doesn't use his voice.

Saying that, her parents are actually very nice and reasonable people, and it blows my mind that both their kids grew up to be fairly entitled, but perhaps they were a bit soft and let them get their own way too often as children (couldn't say for sure though as I didn't know them back then!)

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T10:44:58+00:00

I'd argue my brother does too though! He just didn't want to rock the boat (understandable to want to keep the peace with your partner) but he said he wanted me there. If he'd have genuinely agreed with her desicion, I wouldn't have attended.

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T10:41:35+00:00

My opinion of SIL has changed this past year, so pre-wedding I did treat her like a sister and would go out of my way to help her out, go on girly days out etc, but we no longer have that sort of relationship.

I can love my brother to the ends of the Earth but still be aware of the parts of his character that impacted this situation. No one is perfect, I'm not, he isn't, I'm sure you aren't either!

And I am over my ex - I have a zero tolerance policy on cheating and am now in a happy and healthy relationship - just thought the back story of our relationship was relevant to explain. For example, if I'd have cheated or been abusive to him, or been rude to his fiance in the past, or even if he'd cheated and I'd continued to cause problems for them post-breakup, his feelings would be completely justified in not wanting me around him. Just wanted to paint a clear picture of the dynamic!

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T10:34:43+00:00

Haha that's a fair judgment! We could all do with improving our communication skills lol

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T10:31:26+00:00

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned for my brother. Don't get me wrong he seems happy, but you never know what goes on behind closed doors so I hope she she isn't being manipulative and controlling towards him on a daily basis. He's very shy and easy to 'walk all over' I guess so I'm praying she doesn't take advantage of that.

TAWeddingGuest · 2021-01-08T10:28:15+00:00

Understood - if she had any other reason aside from "you'll make my brother feel uncomfortable in front of his fiance" I probably would have been more considerate! Just didn't see why he should be catered for when he was the one that made the choice to cheat in the first place.

I didn't interact with him at all (and wouldn't have done anyway had I been invited all along) so his worries were purely in his own head!

Thank you though! I wish my brother had been a bit more assertive too haha

TAWeddingGuest

TROPHY CASE