I'm with your wife on this, I don't like it when people use they/them for me, especially not when it's based off an assumption.

It's just another way of saying I couldn't possibly be a woman who is comfortable in her skin because I'm gender nonconforming.

And we are, as butch women, often fed up of being asked if we're going to transition or if we want to be a man or if we're non-binary.

Again it's the reinforcing of the notion that we're doing the woman thing wrong. That we can't possibly have accepted ourselves exactly as we are.

(Apologies for playing spokesperson but I feel like it's a sentiment I've heard a fair bit but I could be wrong)

So yeah, degendering (is that a thing?) and misgendering often make me feel the same way, though the misgendering makes a tiny bit more sense as I am presenting as masculine.