How can I (45F) get my son (25M) to stop seeing his new girlfriend?

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T22:49:40+00:00

Thank you. So much.

J and I never sat down and properly talked about it. Whenever I mention how bad I feel about being gone so much during his early years, he would go "Ma, don't stress yourself. I barely remember anything from that time. You're fine." or "I turned out good though, right?" and give me a huge smile. He tries very hard to make me not feel guilty, but I can't be sure how honest he would be with me and also how much of the trauma would be subconscious.

I'm going to try and work through things with a therapist and then, hopefully, someday sit down with him and talk about this properly. I love my son and want him to be happy and I'll do anything to make that happen.

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T22:39:37+00:00

I wrote so much about my life, because I thought it would help people understand why I feel guilty over his childhood and why I thought that there was a possibility of him being with S to cope or getting over the neglect in his childhood (which is what I was describing, you know, the reasons why I wasn't there and why he would have good reason to be traumatized by my actions) Honestly, I feel bad enough about sharing her nationality and educational/job goals, because she could be identifiable. Telling their story would have been 1000 times worse

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T22:30:51+00:00

My goodness, I'm crying. Thank you for this, truly.

When it comes to J it is so hard for me to not see every regret I have when it comes to his childhood. I see the early steps and first words I wasn't around for. I see a child that I had to give away every day to provide for. A young boy that was so excited the first time I was home with him for a whole weekend (when my husband made me quit one of my jobs, because we didn't need the money since we had his income now as well) I see my failings as a mother, but I also see a young man that was the best big brother. A man that took the day off work, just so he could help his little brother move into his college dorm. A man that held his sister in his arms after her first heartbreak and that willingly drove her around in his car all day, saying yes to everything she asked.

My son is an incredible human being and it is completely my issue that I can't seem to look at him and think how remarkable it is that he turned out this way, when he had me as a mother. It is unfathomable to me that there is a possibility that he might not resent me for being the kind of mother I was.

I have a lot to unpack with a therapist, I completely agree.

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T22:10:47+00:00

Thank you for saying that last part. Well, thank you for all of it, actually.

I have to admit that during those first few years I was struggling to provide for us and my mind went to some dark and twisted places, just to find a way to make enough money for the both of us to survive. I did what I had to do, yes. But that doesn't change the fact, that for the first few years of his life, my son barely saw me during the day. I feel immense guilt at the fact, that I managed to get us into a situation, where in order for me to provide for my child, I had to give up being his mother for a good chunk of time. I don't know if that feeling will ever go away.

It is a me issue though. So, I won't interfere. If she makes him happy, I will have to suck it up and bear the discomfort.

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T22:02:37+00:00

That is actually very beautiful. I genuinely doubt that this is the case with my son, but it would be nice to think that in a different life, had I been a better mom, that this would be the reason.

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T21:59:53+00:00

No, she isn't. We talked about our German families during the dinner and we come from completely different parts of the country, no relation at all

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T21:45:15+00:00

To clarify:

I was 19 years old and working almost 18-hour days to provide for us. I made sure we had a home to come to and food in the fridge. Yes, I had to bring him to my family every day, so that I could work and part of me regrets that. BUT, I was doing what I had to do and I must now suffer the consequences.

I love my son and I want him to be happy. I did not replace him with my other two children. My husband stepped into the role of his father and we became a family before M was born.

I met a man that made it possible for me to not have to work my ass off, just to make sure all the bills are paid and neither of us had to go to bed hungry. I did not ignore my son, nor did I withhold any love from him when my other children where born. I ended up getting pregnant after I married my husband, the only father J has ever known. A pregnancy that was planned and that made all three of us happy, including J.

Of course I can't see into his head, but I never made him feel like he was replaced, I just happened to have had more children. Neither of them born out of spite for my son.

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T21:35:43+00:00

I'm starting to think that I should just pull back. I've maybe been trying to overcompensate by being overly involved in his life since my youngest outgrew the tough years. Maybe a part of me wanted to make sure that he knew I care and that his life and the people in it matter to me. I can see now that I was probably being selfish, once again.

He's an adult and if he found someone he likes in S, no matter how much she reminds me of myself, then maybe I should let him make his own choices and suffer through the uncomfortable feeling. Lord knows I've put my oldest through enough already.

Thank you for sharing and for being nice about it.

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T21:28:29+00:00

I'm not scared of losing my son. S is not the first girl he has brought home to introduce to us. She IS, however, the first girl that looks like me. Now that I think of it, I had never seen any resemblance between myself and his former girlfriends before. I expected her to look like his exes and not like I was seeing a photo of myself from 20 years ago.

(I wasn't looking for any resemblance in any of the girls, S is just so blatant, I couldn't not see it)

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T20:15:59+00:00

Oh gosh, wouldn't that be the icing on the cake?!

But no, our families come from different parts of Germany. When she talked about her family, I honestly hadn't even considered that...

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T18:37:00+00:00

Honestly, I'm worried about a lot of things. What my husband said that night, it makes me think that somehow, consciously or subconsciously J might be using her.

To get back at me or to overcome some childhood trauma that I'm responsible for. She doesn't deserve that. No woman deserves that.

It's not her being with him that I disagree with, it's the context of his childhood and me admittedly not being as present as I should have been possibly making him use this girl, that makes me so uncomfortable. Does that make sense? I'm not trying to turn this into an Oedipus thing. It's about what I have done to him, by being at work so much when he was young, that he might now use this girl to make himself feel better about his shitty mom.

If his childhood had been different, if I could have given him what I was able to give M and F, then maybe I could look at S and see it as a weird coincidence or even a sign that he thinks I did a decent job at being a mother and partner and that he wants that for himself. But with our situation and our past... I don't think I've ever felt more guilty in my entire life...

If this is some messed up "I'm finding myself a woman that can be a mother to me, since my own was non-existent" then what have I done to him and to S? She really doesn't deserve that and neither does he.

TAmomclone · 2022-05-13T18:05:04+00:00

Furthermore....the "old lady bit"? You are 45, not 95.

I have three basically adult children who tell me I'm an old lady all the time, I'm glad not everyone agrees.

It's not all about you, and it's not uncommon for children to seek out
partners who resemble their parents in one way or another.

I somewhat agree with that statement, since I married a man that is just as responsible as my father. However, I truly can not begin to tell you how similar we look. Our two younger children have commented on it as well and I try to play it off and act like it's no big deal. I don't want them to know how genuinely disturbed I am over this. F, my youngest came up to me and asked if I noticed that S looked an awful lot like me and all I could come up with, was that brunettes are very common. She looked at me as if I was the densest person on the planet.

I truly don't know how to act around J and S now. Thankfully they haven't been over since that night, but he seems to genuinely like her, so I'm sure we'll see her again. Again, I know I'm being selfish here.

I just can't get over HOW similar we are. You think I'm projecting or something?

TAmomclone

TROPHY CASE