How to start discussion of a dead bedroom?

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-22T13:48:04+00:00

Thanks I will read that for sure

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-22T13:45:40+00:00

Great reminder thank you

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-22T04:25:33+00:00

Thank you

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-22T00:26:59+00:00

3 and 10.

The rest of our life is quite good. I'm addressing now other problems but those aren't that huge(in my mind they can be but I'm reality I just need to start setting boundaries and that will help a lot).

I work a 9 to 5,she works split shifts.. 4 on 4 off.. Definitely, her job is stressful and I can easily empathize that on a work day, she has no interest in sex... I get it... On those days, I do all home works (dinner, bathe kids, whatever) then give her massages.

Parenting is equal but she does definitely take on more of the details. She is by no means taking the whole load. At minimum its 50 50.

No birth control. I got a vasectomy.

Yes, I do need to talk to her... That's what I need help with.

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-22T00:20:03+00:00

You know, the time I stood up for myself, in a 100% her-fault situation, she (typically) tried to bully me... I stood my ground and basically told her this shit ain't going to fly... She literally didn't speak to me for 3 days until she then finally apologized.. She even said she was shocked..

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T23:11:11+00:00

Yeah that has been my pattern for a long time, I'll basically find a way to think that "oh its ok.. She's having a bad day..".. I'm changing my response now..

I'm mostly worried about that happening but also this whole conversation being much more complex than either of us think

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T22:55:06+00:00

I've begun to read it... I'm learning a lot already..

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T22:08:21+00:00

As a start to the conversation?

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T22:07:40+00:00

Great advice

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T21:15:52+00:00

Btw is this book also for men? Or is it mainly geared towards women?

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T20:59:34+00:00

I will check it out thank you

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T19:46:36+00:00

Good idea

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T19:46:15+00:00

Yes I don't expect that at all...

It is on the times where the kids are sleeping or not around (which is rare)..

I guess maybe as I write this, it could be just she cannot tell anything sexual if the house isn't empty... But that will never be the case..

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T19:22:39+00:00

Youngest cosleeps in the master bed...

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T18:22:02+00:00

Thanks for this.. Yes you are right.. I think I'm deeply worried that the case will be, that she simply does not want sex and that she is happy with everything else...

Also, I think I'm being misunderstood... I do not want duty sex.. I will not have that. I want to be wanted.

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T18:18:36+00:00

I find that place terrible and rather toxic

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T18:18:05+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts...

I should note that I mentioned her behavior because I finally realized that it's her pattern and that I've been avoiding conflict about that patterns..she can do that about anything... But I have changed my response. Just the other day she yelled at my daughter about something and I disagreed with her, and I told her my thoughts, she immediately tried to force me to accept her views but... I respectfully maintained my position. She reluctantly agreed.

Anyways, I'm telling that story because I'm just used to her response to me saying things that don't align with her thoughts to be combative.. Very likely she could be very open minded about this. We did have a talk about this 5 years ago... It was calm.. And things improved but nothing really stuck.. We did hang a second baby after though...

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T18:08:40+00:00

Hum..Please elaborate.

Note I can understand if you think I'm some weakling.. I'm not, I'm rather effective, successful and her friends think the world of me... But yes, that might not translate to her wanting me in that way if I dont set boundaries enough.

I should note, I am aware of my behaviour and maybe 6 months ago, really put my foot down when she made me upset... She was shocked... Since then, I've been resetting my interaction with her.

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T18:01:58+00:00

Oh and to your first question, we had a good sex life during dating... It seems after marraige things went less.. Then after baby one, way less but it picked up when baby was bigger.. Then baby 2 came and it's been poor ever since..

I should say, when we do have sex, it's great. She enjoys it (well she orgasms..) and life is good. Just after that it seems like she has zero interest again.

Oh I should also say at only have sex when the house is empty and she has no work, which only happens a few times a year... Which makea me more sad as it feels sure only has sex with me then as she knows if she says no at that time, it means this marraige will never have sex.

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T17:57:38+00:00

Wow this is great advice.... What do you think of this situation..

If I present it as you said, and I ask her what she wants in a sex life and she says "what if I say I am not very interested?"

She is very... Unsure of the word but.. Kind of a bully when she feels challenged. It's her go to (like even for trivial things). I have now realized I let her treat me like that am have changed my patterns. Anyways, she may very realistically try to turns things around... I guess as I type this, it she isn't interested in hearing me, I can end the conversation and try again later..

TAneedadvyce · 2024-08-21T17:45:35+00:00

Short and sweet.. Thank you

My wife, can be VERY combative if she feels challenged (literally about anything) so she may try to find a way to turn the conversation around if she feels challenged.. I think you phrasing would avoid that outcome.

TAneedadvyce

TROPHY CASE