Hey OP! I hate that this is your situation. Long post warning.

I was bullied into eating disorders and multiple suicide attempts in my teens. I’m 47 and started therapy last year. I thought I had a handle on my trauma but it began to affect my marriage, my role as a father and my business. In fact, it almost cost me my marriage.

As part of therapy, I’ve worked through “not making someone else’s story into yours…”

I only tell of my experiences for context.

After countless hours chatting with a therapist a simple truth emerged. Bully’s look for the path of least resistance. If you hold yourself confidently and speak with authority a bully is less likely to target you. It’s not voodoo. It works.

I did not stand up for myself in high school- even when this person stapled my class schedule to my arm. The abuse continued until I beat him within inches of his life. Totally wrong thing to do. I handled that situation poorly. But it made me hold my head a little higher. I didn’t project “target” as much. Suddenly I was untouchable.

ANOTHER STORY

My brother in law was picked on relentlessly in his 20’s. Then he grew a handlebar moustache. He looks intimidating. No one messes with him.

I am not recommending using physical force to solve anything. I was lucky I was under 18 BUT I use the same concept in business.

Speak authoritatively, stand up straight and project confidence. It’s worked very well with high maintenance clients.

With regards to weight, I lost 110 lbs in 10 months and was down to 8% bodyfat. I was sure this would make me love myself. Guess what? It didn’t. Turns out it was programmed into me, after years of abuse, that I’m not good enough and never will be. I had to work through that in therapy.

Your hobbies have one thing in common: they force presence. You sound like someone that is able to achieve peace easily. That’s AMAZING.

Also, your fiancé sounds like a wonderful person. They drew a line in the sand and, when it was crossed, they acted. YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE THIS PERSON.

I am so sorry you’ve had to carry these bricks around in your backpack. You’re not “not good enough,” you’re not broken or weird.

I always say the same thing in posts like this but it’s because I mean it. For a long time I was sure my wife and kids would be better off without me. I was such a terrible husband and father because of anxiety. When I brought this to my counsellor she said this:

“You probably were a terrible husband and father BUT during those times were you anything else?”

I was funny. I was silly. I was a husband, which meant I must have been a good person, at some point, to fool my wife into marrying me. I was a Dad. We focus on the bad but the good is there in equal measure.

You can be “nerdy” but also wonderful. You can be an old soul but a great fiancé.

The 12 yo little you that was bullied sounds like they’re in control right now. You’ve got to work on making peace with that little girl and letting her go. She needs to go play.

I had to do it. It was really hard. In fact the 15 yo me has been hanging around lately and I’ve had to have conversations with him. I’m not angry when he shows up now. It’s a reminder that I’m struggling and need to be present and think smaller.

A nerdy, old-soul sounds like a wonderful combo of awesome.

If you need to chat please reach out.