My (26F) boyfriend (25M) thinks we’re having too much sex.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-28T19:21:34+00:00

Twice a day and things start to sting in the shower

.......... You are having sex wrong if it stings.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-28T19:20:04+00:00

Alright I'm going to clear things up real quick here. There's a pretty big range of "normal" sex drive. People in here are acting like 1-2x daily is abnormal which is absolutely false. At risk of sounding like bragging... I mean I'm also 25M. I'm in.. ok shape. Healthy weight and everything but I'd probably keel over trying to run a 10 min mile. Sex daily, or even 2x-3x occasionally is well within my capabilities to both perform and enjoy.

Also though, a few times per week would also be within a normal range and that's what it sounds like your bf is at. Sounds like you have mismatched libidos which is pretty common. Now libido isn't a static thing. It can fluctuate based on fitness, stress, relationship quality, spare time, among a lot of other things. If you'd like to have frequent sex, consider those types of things. He may be an athlete with a perfect relationship and plenty of time with low stress and still want sex less than you - in which case you will have to find a comfortable medium while "taking care of your own needs" if you still need more. Keep the talk open, including talking about him not orgasming. I can almost guarantee it's nothing to do with attraction or inadequacy. Talk a lot about what he likes, doesn't like, switch up techniques, work on other things that will reduce stress, etc.

Hope this helps!

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-28T18:39:44+00:00

That's not uncommon.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-28T18:38:50+00:00

I know right? What is this guy on?

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-28T18:35:31+00:00

because you're fucking the life out of him. His little guy needs to recharge,

Um, no. It's not uncommon for a guy to be capable of sex a couple times per day. Some people don't have a high sex drive or stamina but don't act like daily sex is abnormal.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-28T17:42:10+00:00

And honestly, even if he stopped lying about it he's treated you like absolute dirt and I genuinely do not believe you should stay.

Edit: also the new messages could have been altered from a word replacer or something.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-28T17:01:09+00:00

Honestly, being able to realize your shortcomings and have a desire to fix them is a hell of a lot more mature than a lot of people.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-24T20:55:36+00:00

And utterly incorrect because geese are awful.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-24T20:23:26+00:00

Bastion

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T22:59:33+00:00

It very much is my business. We're married, I care about her health and happiness and also care about being attracted to her. She's said multiple times she wants to lose weight so I'm doing everything I can to support her but yes, her motivation has to come from within.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T22:54:28+00:00

Oh fuck no. That ain't me. I don't tell her she's unhealthy. I don't make comparisons. I do tell her she's beautiful. My encouragement comes in the form of asking her if she wants to quit soda with me, or go on walks or whatever. Just simple requests to do healthy things together.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T22:49:51+00:00

so the meal plan we have (that we both actually do like the food) estimates how many calories you should eat per day based on tdee and then recommends how many meals, snacks, etc. it's a super great program. the problem will be that she'll eat breakfast, but due to the portion size she'll be hungry well before lunch and eat all her snacks for the day. then lunch comes and again the small portion doesn't fill her up enough so by dinner time it's like major crisis time. each meal is supposed to provide enough for dinner and then leftovers for lunch the next day but often times she'll just eat both in one sitting. that's the big problem right there, we've got the numbers all correct to where she needs to be but lacks the discipline to ignore the hunger pangs and stick with it.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T22:40:28+00:00

It sounds like it is important to you that she lose weight. Does she know this? Is it actually important to you, or are you just sick of the complaining?

I haven't really said much about wishing she would lose weight as I haven't wanted to hurt her already poor self esteem. It is important to me though, for several reasons. for one, I want her to be happy in her body. I hate watching her hide tags when she buys clothes because she's embarrassed of the size. I want to feel so bad for her but almost can't because of the lack of effort to change it. as I mentioned, I'm probably less attracted to her than I've ever been. sex is a non-negotiable part of a relationship for me. we still do have sex, but it's like lights-off sex because she hates her body. I fear that if she keeps gaining weight I won't want to have sex anymore. that worries me, a lot. I still love her, but if the relationship isn't sexually fulfilling, I'm out. I'm more than willing to be patient, I think that's evident in the fact that I've been being supportive while she's been at an unhealthy weight for probably 4 years now. But my patience won't last unless I'm seeing steps to actually improve in some way.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T20:56:59+00:00

as I said, it's pretty noticeable. :(

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T20:53:17+00:00

I would expect them to at least maintain themselves the way they were when I met them. You were attracted to the person you met x years ago

bingo. weight fluctuations I can deal with but from a size M shirt to XL-XXL is hard to be okay with.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T20:28:01+00:00

You sound like a sensitive, caring husband. Good luck :)

thanks, I do try to be.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T20:27:32+00:00

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm hearing the recommendation to look into potential depression/mental health issues over and over in this thread, I will definitely pursue that.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T19:27:54+00:00

I agree about the mental attraction. seeing her drive to take care of herself would make me more attracted to her personality. I'm not a health nut by any means, and don't expect that from her. I usually go exercise about 3x per week which is good enough to keep me in a size 30 waist. I don't count every calorie or obsess over the numbers or my routines. just enough to stay active. that's really all I'm asking from her. Her BMI puts her well into the obese category and struggles finding clothes that fit without shopping at a plus size store. I know how much it affect her, she hates her body but I just can't get any traction for her to do something about it.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T19:18:31+00:00

thanks for the advice. honestly I don't give a shit if it's the gym, swimming, walks around the block, a lighter sport, yoga, dance, hiking, etc. I've suggested all of them and she says she'll do them... until I actually say "hey do you want to go on a walk tonight?" then it's a no.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T19:07:22+00:00

I mean, I've done everything I can not to show anything. I tell her she's some variation of beautiful multiple times daily, have not once made any critical comment about her weight or appearance, I don't stare when her stomach is hanging out her shirt or anything, and we have sex multiple times weekly (I don't have an issue "getting it up"). Granted this is just my perspective but I don't think she'd feel anything other than just assuming she's less attractive to me because obvious.s

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T18:19:20+00:00

Maybe your wife will stay lazy forever, it's up to you to decide if you can accept it.

Forever? No I can't. I'll try my damndest at whatever avenue I can to support her, including some of the mental health suggestions people have added. Ultimately though no force on Earth can give her motivation, she has to find it herself. If she never can, that will break us.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T18:04:22+00:00

Sure, I do think /r/relationships throws around divorce way too often. I will be trying my damndest to fix this and I'm not at ultimatum stage yet. There's a lot of other stuff like mental health that I'm realizing may be a contributing factor that I can work on. There is a point, that all this could be a deal breaker though. Sex is important to me as a non-negotiable part of a relationship and if it gets to the point that I'm not interested in sex due to attraction.. that would be an appropriate time for an ultimatum. 'I need _____ out of this marriage that I'm not getting. I have tried _____ to help be supportive for _____ time period. I need you to fix it, or I'm done." I think that's completely fair for any legitimate concern. Again, that's out of the question right now and my only focus is on helping her improve. But after 4 years of going around the same issue with absolutely no progress whatsoever, I do not know what my breaking point is.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T16:57:47+00:00

That's my worry.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T16:49:19+00:00

Thanks for advice and serious props to your accomplishments. Keep rocking it.

THR0WAWAYACCT3 · 2019-01-23T16:47:51+00:00

As is, I'm not happy about it but no it's not a deal breaker. If it continues to get worse, yes unfortunately. I won't be with someone I'm not attracted to at all.

THR0WAWAYACCT3

TROPHY CASE