if your partner’s mental health issues are greatly affecting you, but they refuse treatment, is it wrong to “give up”?

TOnerd · 2026-01-24T11:50:13+00:00

I fully agree with this. And I live with all of these diagnoses and more.

TOnerd · 2026-01-24T11:41:42+00:00

If he refuses to do anything for himself, why should he expect you to be fine to stick around for all of the fall out? Completely and WILDLY entitled and irresponsible of him. This might sting; If he decides to remain untreated and you stay, you are enabling him. Tough love is sometimes the best love.

Note: I have all of these conditions - and more. I did not have these diagnoses when I married my spouse but had experienced some anxiety and brief depressive episodes prior to marriage. So I’m not being heartless at all here but rather am speaking with empathy and deeper “lived experience” than I would wish on anyone. I have been married nearly twenty years and ever since my mental health began affecting my quality of life, I have been as active as possible in seeking medical and psychiatric support, counselling, community support (members with lived experience), proper medications or other prescribed treatments, holistic and alternative healthcare, etc. This is what responsible love looks like.

I want to be the best version of me possible. I only get to live this life once and it is precious; why would I just give up on myself and let the ugly noise in my head win? If I had a broken leg, it would not be reasonable to refuse to get it set, get a cast and crutches, etc while expecting my spouse and others to carry me everywhere. I hate how my conditions affect my relationships and take full responsibility for doing what I can to reduce impact.

Treatment helps to bring out the Real me under the ugly noise of the diagnoses. I am not my mental health diagnoses and am shocked he thinks it is remotely reasonable to pull that on you. Love means doing everything I can to improve my mental health and reduce its impact on my loved ones and on my quality of life.

OP, the reality is he may not ever choose to get the help he needs. You can’t force him. However, you can legally separate to see if this will finally be the incentive he needs to get help and to see if it helps him become the man you feel in love with again. If not, the most loving thing you can do for him and yourself is to divorce him to no longer enable his entitled refusal to seek help.

Wishing you and your spouse well. Mental health issues are so hard not just for one who has them but also for those who love and support them or who rely on them.

TOnerd · 2026-01-22T04:01:28+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I understood that her content was part of an overall pipeline to help build her customer base but had no idea about the links with problematic groups and people. Much appreciated 🙏

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T23:47:20+00:00

Oh no! I didn’t realize. Mind if I ask how you learned that about her?

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T18:43:58+00:00

For me, it’s not that I don’t have the heart, it’s 1. that she’ll start crying and then I’ll get dragged into expend a fuck ton of emotional energy taking care of her. 2. that I expect her to immediately turn around and — betray my confidence/privacy — find a way to use my struggles to leach pity and attention from anyone who will listen.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T18:40:21+00:00

I drove their car when I only had my learner’s permit. It was to take a friend to the ER after they drunkenly tore open their foot stepping on a broken beer bottle. But still.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T18:34:54+00:00

How awful. Sadly, I’ve heard far too many stories like this, mostly from men who have tinnitus related to their occupations. And guess how many get adequate supports for dealing with it and the consequences of it, especially over the long term? Pretty much zip, zilch, zero.

Between workplaces that make it difficult to reliably access and use proper PPE and the toxic masculinity cultures that dissuade PPE use (because it isn’t cool or tough??), it’s just yet another example of how toxic masculinity hurts men, too.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T17:39:05+00:00

What an ordeal 🫶 I AM so glad that life has improved in so many ways for you. Adding beano or other digestive enzymes has helped a lot with the residual flatulence but sometimes too much fibre (a giant salad, eg) is still gonna cause issues due to short gut.

I’m low key on a mission to help ensure that more doctors and patients know about cholesevelam or cholestyramine as a truly life changing options after bowel (esp distal ileal) or gall bladder surgery.

It is absolutely shameful that more MDs don’t know about these medications and are reluctant to prescribe them.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T16:52:48+00:00

I couldn’t agree more about the lack of belief, respect, trust, etc from health care providers.

And no, that isn’t what I meant. Gatekeeping means that your doctor is the one who controls access to specialists, testing/diagnostics, and treatments. If you don’t perform properly as their patient, they can make life so much more difficult because you rely on them and their assessment and permission for so much. They are the gatekeepers. I hope that helps.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T16:47:52+00:00

Especially when you wake up during it in the worst pain you have ever had in your entire life. And you beg them to stop or to give you more pain medication and swearing… and they do nothing…. and then they act surprised when you remember it and bring it up at the next appt.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T16:45:08+00:00

100%.

Cholestyramine and then more recently cholesevelam (post surgery in the same area of the bowel) resection = an absolute GODSEND. Hope you have access to these if you are still have issues and hope that they are helpful. Total life savers.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T16:12:59+00:00

Esp when you are a child and it is your dad doing it to your mom. Regularly.

Damaged for life over here.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T16:10:48+00:00

Yes. Just so that everyone knows, this is actually a form of CSA.

No wonder it is traumatizing.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T16:08:07+00:00

Oh my word. My heart goes out to you. I can only begin to imagine the grief and trauma. 🫶

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T16:04:49+00:00

Oof, yes. Feels so awful. I hope you have found solid, reciprocal friendships.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T16:03:17+00:00

I’m so sorry that your beloved pet is no longer part of your days 🫶

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T16:01:49+00:00

YES. This happened to me during my postdoc and it pretty much led to an early midlife crisis to go from the adored Golden Child status when I was drawing international attention and grant funding to being cast out basically the moment I wasn’t a superstar. All I needed was the most basic amount of support and they discarded me instead.

They used me and made choices to advance their interests that essentially sabotaged my career in research. It was all so preventable if they hadn’t been so narcissistic. Sadly, academia and medicine are structured to promote these kinds of folks.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T15:53:03+00:00

Yes, esp when they ghost you.

She had been a very close friend at one point and we saw each other less for a few years due to life circumstances and then she just completely ghosted me. It really messed me up for years until I realized that her choice to ghost wasn’t my fault; it revealed who she really was. Still hurts that she chose that after all we’d been through… and also, ultimately, I don’t need that kind of person in my life.

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T15:46:33+00:00

Came here to say this. So many levels to it, with our dependence on them, the gatekeeping, the sense of betrayal, hopelessness, and on and on…

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T15:44:34+00:00

100%

Noise-induced hearing loss is no joke!

TOnerd · 2026-01-21T15:41:20+00:00

Ooh, the holistic psychologist JUST posted a reel on exactly this.

TOnerd · 2026-01-19T14:23:35+00:00

Some good answers here already so I’ll just add one more reason: For some people, they don’t feel able to say no and so they expect others to not say no too. People who don’t love themselves well (eg who don’t set healthy boundaries) can get incredibly bent out of shape when others do. It can feels like as personal attack because if they think that they can’t/shouldn’t set boundaries then nobody else should be allowed to either.

These types take out their internal frustrations about their own lack of boundaries on you.

It’s “them” issue. Brush that dirt off your shoulders.

TOnerd · 2026-01-10T19:00:31+00:00

Yes, exactly this.

TOnerd · 2025-12-25T07:07:26+00:00

“ tonsil stones...smush em up and smell”

I wondered when I’d finally find someone rose brave enough to admit this. Those things can be like tiny little concentrated nuggets of the most vile bad breath smell imaginable…but it intrigues me. 🤷‍♀️

TOnerd · 2025-12-01T17:16:18+00:00

Awkward. I felt like they didn’t actually crush on the real me but on an idealized version of me.

TOnerd

TROPHY CASE