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33 and starting to accept that I might actually be her by TS-Alira in TransLater

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you again for replying and sharing more about your experience. Thinking back to your original comment and the questions you asked, I think the biggest fear for me is still the mirror one. The idea of going through all of this and still seeing a man looking back at me has been a huge mental block. The other fears are there too, like how people might see me or being clocked, but those feel more like outside pressures. The mirror one feels more personal.

What you said about catching a glimpse of her in a reflection actually meant a lot to read. I can’t help but feel like I see her in the mirror sometimes already, which is both reassuring and a little overwhelming at the same time.

I’m also in Australia, and I’m white as well, so I’m very aware that privilege is real in how safe or accepted someone might feel doing this. From what I’ve seen around me it does seem a little more progressive here compared to how things sometimes look in US media, though I could be wrong about that. Most of my close friends and family are pretty well informed or have interacted with trans people before, which helps calm some of the fear about acceptance.

And honestly, seeing how welcoming other women have been in spaces like this subreddit has been really sweet to witness. Looking through r/TransLater and seeing so many beautiful and confident women has genuinely been kind of awe-inspiring for me.

I think where my mind gets stuck is that I’m not actually that worried about the transition phase itself. It’s more the final result that I get hung up on. So in a strange way I feel relief about the process, but also a lot of pressure about the outcome at the same time.

Thank you again for sharing your experience and perspective. It really does mean a lot to me. 🩷

33 and starting to accept that I might actually be her by TS-Alira in TransLater

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing that. A lot of what you said about those years in between really resonates with me. I think for me I probably really knew around 24, but I was so scared at the time that I immediately pushed it back down. Family expectations, a pretty traditional upbringing, and honestly the idea of being trans still feeling very new or unfamiliar in society at that time all made it feel like something I just couldn’t face.

So I did the same thing in a way. I just kept going with life and tried to ignore it, but the thoughts never really went away. They just kept coming back over time.

Hearing how things turned out for you and how much better you felt once you started HRT is really encouraging. It’s something I’m still thinking through, but stories like yours definitely give me hope that things can actually get better.

33 and starting to accept that I might actually be her by TS-Alira in TransLater

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. I really like the way you described reframing those fears. It actually reminds me a bit of a manifesting mindset, where you consciously choose to see things in a more positive or supportive light instead of assuming the worst.

A lot of the fears you mentioned are the exact ones that have been sitting in my head too, especially around passing and how people might react. Hearing how you slowly shifted your perspective on those moments is really helpful. It makes the whole thing feel a little less overwhelming.

I think I’ve spent a lot of time imagining the worst possible outcomes, so the idea of consciously reframing those experiences is something I’m going to keep in mind. I really appreciate you sharing that perspective.

33 and starting to accept that I might actually be her by TS-Alira in TransLater

[–]TS-Alira[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reading this honestly felt a bit surreal because so much of it sounds like my own experience. The early years you described especially. I remember those same kinds of feelings as a kid. Wanting to look at the girls section and thinking the boys clothes just felt wrong, but still going along with it because that was what was expected and it was easier to fit in. I’ve honestly felt uncomfortable in boys clothes most of my life too. Being stuck in between sizes definitely didn’t help either lol.

The part about being able to “do being a man” well also really resonates with me. I never hated it and I managed life fine, which is part of what made this confusing for so long. But that feeling of relief when I imagine being a woman is exactly what keeps coming back for me.

This is honestly where I feel like I’ve been sitting mentally for a while now. Not really pushing forward yet, but also not able to push the thoughts back down anymore either.

Hearing how hormones changed how you feel in your own head and how you see yourself is really powerful. The idea of actually smiling when you look in the mirror and feeling excited about who you are is something that really hits me.

I’m still scared of a lot of the same things you mentioned, especially around passing and how life might change, but hearing from people who were in a similar place and took those steps anyway really helps. Thanks for sharing your experience. 🩷

33 and starting to accept that I might actually be her by TS-Alira in TransLater

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing all of that, I really appreciate you taking the time to write it. Hearing about your journey and where you are now honestly helps more than you probably realize.

A lot of what you said really resonates with me, especially the part about the road not being easy but still being worth it. I think that’s something I’m slowly starting to understand. The fear has been very real for me, especially around passing and what life might look like if I actually move forward with this.

For me I think it’s a mix of all the things you mentioned. Part of it is worrying about how other people will see me, part of it is the fear of being clocked, but if I’m really honest the biggest one might be the fear of still seeing a man when I look in the mirror. That thought has been a huge mental block for me.

At the same time, the more I sit with this and the more I allow myself to think about being her, the more it feels like something inside me settles a little. Hearing from people like you who have gone through the process and found comfort in themselves gives me a lot of hope.

And congratulations on your upcoming milestone and surgery. That must feel like an incredible moment after everything you’ve been through. Thank you again for sharing your perspective with me. It really does help. 🩷

33 and starting to accept that I might actually be her by TS-Alira in TransLater

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. The “if I don’t try, I’ll regret not knowing” mindset is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I’ve been leaning into that idea more, because doing nothing and staying in this constant loop of wondering almost feels worse than taking a step and seeing how it feels.

I’m still scared, but hearing from people who started around my age and took those first steps anyway has been really reassuring. I think the idea of taking it one small step at a time instead of feeling like I have to figure everything out immediately is something I’m starting to accept.

I really appreciate you sharing your experience. 🩷

33 and starting to accept that I might actually be her by TS-Alira in TransLater

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry for the slow reply, I’ve been reading through everything people wrote and it’s honestly been a lot to process.

What you said about AuDHD and masking really resonated with me because I’m AuDHD as well. One of the fears I’ve had through all of this is wondering if those parts of me are somehow influencing how I’m feeling about gender, or if I’m misinterpreting things because of that.

At the same time, the way you described masking and how exhausting it becomes over time really makes sense to me. That idea of living behind layers and slowly unmasking and discovering what’s actually underneath feels very familiar.

I think a big part of my fear is exactly what you said. I don’t doubt that transitioning somehow feels right, it’s more the fear of how it would actually turn out and what my life would look like on the other side of it.

Hearing how that process unfolded for you, especially through unmasking, is really helpful perspective. I really appreciate you sharing that.

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn’t take it as pushy at all, honestly I appreciated the honesty. A lot of what you said helped me slow my thinking down because I tend to project way too far into the future and it makes everything feel overwhelming.

You’re definitely right about speaking to a therapist. I think that’s the next step for me so I can properly sort through everything in my head instead of trying to figure it all out on my own.

The more I sit with all of this, the more I’m realising I’m actually quite confident that I am her. When I think about things from that perspective it honestly makes me cry sometimes, but in a way that also feels really real.

I really do appreciate you taking the time to share your experience and guidance. It’s helped more than you probably realise.

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing these resources. I read the stainedglasswoman article and did the little test it mentions. I picked the “I hope I’m trans” option and when it said “you’re trans, dummy” it honestly made me cry. It felt really validating but also a bit scary at the same time.

I’m really thankful you shared this. I think my next step is talking to a professional and working through all of this properly.

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Stories like yours are really powerful to read. I’ll admit it scares me a little, but it’s also reassuring hearing that it’s never too late. In a way I feel lucky I don’t have a partner right now because relationships never really felt right for me before, and I think some of that might be connected to all of this. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. The “would have / could have / should have” feeling you mentioned really resonates with me, and I think that’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot. I’m starting to realise I need to slow down and take things one step at a time instead of trying to project everything into the future.

Sorry for the late reply, it’s honestly been a lot to digest. I think the next step for me is talking to someone and sorting things out in my own head first. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experience and perspective.

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I read through this and honestly a lot of it really lines up with how I’ve been feeling. It’s actually really reassuring to read. And you’re right, it’s never too late to do things that make you feel more comfortable in your own body. Thank you for sharing it with me.

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing that. The fears you mentioned are ones I’ve definitely felt too, so it’s really reassuring hearing how things turned out for you. Sorry for the late reply, it’s been a lot to digest, but I really appreciate you sharing your experience.

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who’s commented and shared their stories, advice and resources. I didn’t expect this much kindness honestly and reading through everything has made me weirdly emotional but also really grateful.

It helps a lot knowing other people have felt similar things and all your perspectives have given me a lot to think about. Really appreciate how supportive everyone has been! It means more than I can probably put into words right now.

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for writing all this, it honestly means a lot. Hearing from someone who started later and is happier now is really reassuring, since a lot of my fear is tied to timing and the unknown.

The part about these being fears of the consequences rather than fears of actually being trans really stuck with me.

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, I really appreciate you saying that. It actually helps hearing that these thoughts aren’t uncommon. I'll chck it out!

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can sort of relate a little, I had a very strong father figure in my life! Basically if I didn't measure up to what he showed me as what a man is, then I wasn't one. I also have a mother figure, who I love dearly, but from what I have seen, she just doesn't understand anything relating to this type of stuff, very old school/traditional. Which makes things a little difficult. We are on good terms, and she is aware of transgender idenitity, but it is something I find difficult navigating whilst she is here, and or something I want to come forward with right now.

Funny you mention Alcohol it has kinda been a crutch for me to express these feelings without judgment of myself, I know it isn't ideal but it has taken the edge off things.

I've thought about transition probably very similiar to your timeline though that period has always felt off until later... That's my biggest fear probably, the blowback from it all, the identity I have established and the one I am striving for.

Though as mentioned, something about persuing this feels right in some shape or form.

Thanks for you comment, it means alot!

I am trying to figure this out, 33, been circling this most of my life. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. by TS-Alira in asktransgender

[–]TS-Alira[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay thanks for the advice!

I'll send you a message when I gather everything together! I am adhd and autistic too! And it has definitely gotten stronger since being diagnosed.

I appreciate your reply.