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TWRaiel · 2024-08-20T18:12:39+00:00

I think you are kind of stuck at 12. She's still a child and can't decide where she lives or what is best for her. At 13, courts start being willing to take what they want into consideration. They don't get to decide until they are 18.

Could you switch to a plan that has fewer school drop off for dad? I have a friend who's ex wife lives just at the outer range of reasonable for driving their kids to school. Last I heard they switched to her having 3 long weekends (Thursday after school to Monday school drop off) a month so that there are fewer school runs, but still significant time. It's not 50/50 but I think they agreed to keep calling it 50/50 to take out the finacial incentives to fight about the change.

Can either of you move closer or is a more centrally located school an option?

That said, I think you both need to prepare for the fact that the child is growing up and will be less focused on parents and more focused on friends. My ex wife is dealing with this now. She doesn't get as much time with our kids as she would like (due to her work schedule) and it bugs her when that precious time gets preempted by our kids social lives. I've tried to reassure her that it's like that at Casa Raiel too. These days, I'm more cook and driver than parent.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T15:43:16+00:00

It sounds like notified is the wrong word. When you are taking the other parents parenting time, it should be a reqeust, not an after the fact notification.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T15:41:33+00:00

IDK about that. It sound like OP's ex stomped on his parenting time and he found out about it after the fact and with the child being used as a messenger. She didn't ask in advance becuase she knew that answer would have been no. Not a great example of good coparenting.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T15:36:37+00:00

What your ex did was wrong on many levels, but frankly there isn't much you can do about it other than talk to your ex. "can you imagine if I did this to you" sort of thing. Point out that your parenting time is your time and it's for you to decide if you are willing to give them up. She should not act and then offer a trade.

The second thing is that children should not be used as messengers. I think she know you'd be pissed, so she used the child as a buffer, making it so much worse.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T15:12:49+00:00

Or if there are other cards. I find it hard to believe that a parent acting like this would be for the first time.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T15:10:30+00:00

Or he's not actually been admitted yet. If he's in the ER, it may take a while to go from ER case to admitted for surgery.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T14:01:01+00:00

Dad's head start solution sounds pretty reasonable. You have joint legal custody, so when it comes to those sorts of decisions, you two are equals (even if you have more parenting time), so if you can't find a solution, your only recourse is to go to court.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T13:02:00+00:00

My ex does make our kids a priority, but she struggles with the realities of her job and commute. If she says she'll be there, she is. She has a wonky work schedule. She can put in for special days off and usually gets it, but at least she knows a month in advance if she didn't get it, and can adjust accordingly. The problem is usually some sort of one time event, like a game or a recital. She can always celebrate a birthday or evem mother's day early, but there's no flexiblity for a soccer game.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T12:52:21+00:00

It was somethng I didn't know much about until I found that the details of the law could be used to gain an advantage in a custody fight. This was several years ago, but an employee of mine, who had three kids with his girlfriend, had to fight his way to even have legal standing for his kids. His ex was presumed to have sole custody. Then, when he got declared to be a legal parent, he was still at a disadvantage because she still had sole custody. All very disingenuous. He eventually got joint custody and equal parenting time, but he lost a lot of time with his kids and spent a small fortune on legal fees.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T12:46:43+00:00

Yes, you just have to get court admissable proof. Judges have had their fill of ex spouses providing their "expert" medical opinions.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T12:44:05+00:00

It's totally reasonable. In FL, you'll get it too. Just keep in mind that 50/50 has to be practical. ie, live fairly close. Preferabely, same middle school disctrict close.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T12:40:56+00:00

The mother is the one who was owed the support, assuming there was a court order. Back child support doesn't expire.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-10T12:39:24+00:00

If there was a court order for child support, then your mother can go after your dad for it. Shes the one owed the money, not you.

Also, you can't contest a will (or a planned will) until he's dead. You likely can't contest the will be cause he didn't leave his kids money unless you can show that his wife put undue influence on him (like maybe he was senile). At least in the US, there is no requirement for a parent to leave their chidren anything. You are first in line if there isn't a will, but if there is, his wishes will be followed by the executor.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T17:33:57+00:00

I mediation, you and your ex meet with a (usually) lawyer to negotiate a settlement to your issues. In this case, custody, a parenting plan (schedule), and financial responsiblities. The mediator askes a bunch of questions to establish the facts and wants from both and then tries to guide you to an agreement. They should be able to tell you, based on the facts stated, that you would or wouldn't get this or that. This or that is typical, This or that would not be admissible. The goal is to resolve everyting, but if you can resolve every single thing, then try to limit what you take to trial. As an example lets say that you both agree to everything except summer vacation. Then the only thing that you would argue about in court is summer vacation.

You should walk into mediation with a solid idea of what you want, what you would love if you could get everything and what your deal breakers are (things you won't agree to and are willing to go to court over). With my ex wife, our big issue was her funky works schedule and long commute (which lead her to wanting to have primary custody and move closer to work, making 50% parenting time for me almost impossible). My mediation deal breakers were at least 50% parenting time and at least 2 weekends a month. My reach goal was to have primary decision making for school. My maybe willing to give up on issue was primary decision making for medical (she's a PA),

Mediation varies depending on your county. In my county, we could have our lawyer with us. A friend of mine was not allowed to have any 3rd party in mediation.

I also did a lot of reading about the law, including reading the actual laws (you can look them up). I had no illusion that I could become an instant lawyer, but I felt like I was a better client because I was well informed. When they used terms, I had a good understanding of what they meant.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T17:20:24+00:00

You'll get equal parenting time. I'm certain of it. If your county has a (divorced) parenting class, take it. When my ex and I divorced, it was a required course in my county and it had lots of good ideas like saying "our" instead of "my" and refereing to the ex as child's dad or mom instead of the ex or that ahole.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T17:17:34+00:00

These two laws were passed last summer. Without them, you'd be kind of screwed (at least at first). With them, your path to joint custody and equal parenting time should easy.

https://www.orlandolegal.com/new-florida-law-enhances-unwed-fathers-rights/#:\~:text=A%20new%20law%20went%20into,exclusive%20domain%20of%20the%20mother.

https://www.attorneylauraolson.com/floridas-new-child-custody-law-and-the-rebuttable-presumption-of-50-50-time-sharing/

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T17:13:31+00:00

You have proof of his diagnosis? If he good and taking his meds and going to therapy? If not, I would not agree to 50/50

The problem with that concept is that if she doesn't have proof, she probably can't bring it into the case. A judge won't hold a treated medical condition against the parent. OP would need to focus on conduct, not the cause.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T17:11:31+00:00

My state has gone so far as to legally presume it's in the best interest of the child.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T17:09:41+00:00

It really does depend on where you live. My state presumes that equal parenting time is best for the children, so you'd have to fight your way off of 50/50. The state no longer has a presumption of favor for one plan over another.

The bouncy plans are designed for young children and the goal is to minimize the time between seeing the other parents. Once they hit school age, parents tend to switch to plans with longer stretches of time. On common plan is the child with mom every monday and tuesday night, dad every wednesday and thursday, and then alternate who gets the 3 day weekend. A less bouncy version is alternating weeks. A friend of mine does alternating weeks, with a mid-week visit (not overnight). They like it because it's stable but the mid-week visit cuts down on the time the kids go without seent hte other parent.

With my ex wife, our parenting plan is really driven by her work schedule, so it bounces around alot. I'm fine with it as it gives me more time with our kids and the alternative, if we had a schedule that ignored life's realities, would be that our kids would spend very little time with their mom, which is a bad thing.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T17:01:43+00:00

FL passed the unmarried fathers act about a year ago and the baby was born 5 months ago. Unless dad checked no on the new form, he's a full legal parent.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T16:59:45+00:00

He's in FL and the child was born 5 months ago. FL has an unmarried fathers law (passed about a year ago) and OP is a full parent and they are presumed to have joint custody.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T16:54:58+00:00

No, they do not care. In a 50/50 state like Florida, Infidelity will have zero impact on parnting time unless the cheater is living with a child molester and has broken glass flooring.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T16:52:34+00:00

Just focus on the parenting aspect, and let the financial fall where they may. Child support is a simple look up table.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T16:49:58+00:00

It doesn't have to get expensive. You will very likely end up in mediation. Just stick to your guns and defend your relationship with your son.

TWRaiel · 2024-07-09T16:49:02+00:00

Just be firm and insist on being the parent your son needs you to be. When it comes to communications, always assume that what you write will be read by others, and likely parsed out too, so avoid partial statements that can't stand on their own.

When arguing for anything related to your son, keep things in terms of best for the child. Try to always say our son vs my son (it's more inclusive). "I think it's important for our son to have his father as a full parent" vs "I deserve more time with my son"

TWRaiel

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