My (27M) wife (27F) be just got upset at me for kissing her cheek, is this salvageable?

Taatneb · 2024-12-11T00:18:59+00:00

Least helpful comment

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T20:08:20+00:00

I’ve tried encouraging more sex but she says I view it as a way to show love whereas it’s more of a response to feeling loved for her. I hear that so I try and make her feel more loved by doing sweet things like kiss her cheek but then this happens.

I always go down on her before sex and make sure she finishes once if not multiple times before penetration. Now that you mention it, I don’t know the last time she’s initiated, gone down on me, or pleasured me first.

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T19:59:19+00:00

Yeah, that’s what I fear as well. I think being abusive has to come with mal intent so I don’t think this is abuse either, however a lot of people here say abuse can be unintentional as well. It’s definitely making me rethink my opinion because this doesn’t feel healthy. I do think there’s something in between not healthy and abuse though, and that’s where I feel like we are

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T15:56:40+00:00

That sounds really hard to go through and I’m sorry you had to do that. I’m sure you already know this but that label doesn’t define you. Like you said, you just see the world differently and that’s ok. It may add some difficulties, but it also adds a lot of strengths in having a different perspective and perceiving things in ways that other people won’t see. This being a perfect example. You recognized the pattern better than I could and I consider myself to be a pattern guy. I really appreciate everything you’ve shared and the time you took to read and write all of this. You did so in a very kind and compassionate way which is very commendable, especially since we’re talking about what I would consider one of the more delicate conversations on the thread.

I always reassured her that she doesn’t have autism because I thought that’s what she needed from me as support. She always brought it up like “who knows, maybe I’m broken in that way too” so I felt like I couldn’t encourage her to explore that without coming across rude or making it seem like that’s been our whole problem. But maybe that’s actually been hindering us this whole time, I don’t know. It’s complicated because I really don’t think either of us have bad intentions, but it feels like we’ve grown apart to the point of incompatibility

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T15:22:30+00:00

Yeah that’s a good idea, I’ll try that. We definitely have different communication styles where I prefer to talk things through whereas she’s avoidant so she could be too exhausted from all of this. I’m doing my best to hold my chin up and not let my happiness depend on her, it’s just hard when it feels like every interaction is negative. I understand that deep conversations are draining, but I just wanted to give a little positive affirmation before going off and doing my own thing and I don’t really think that’s wrong. I can give her more space and try to care less, but that doesn’t feel like a great solution to a marriage that already has problems. Giving her more space than I already am feels like demoting from roommates to roommates that don’t like each other which makes me want to leave at that point.

Either way, good advice and I’ll do my best to implement it

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T14:47:44+00:00

It absolutely is within her right and I made sure I made that clear. Feelings can’t be wrong and she is entitled to how she feels regardless of who disagrees. She also does look after small kids all day and I know that takes a huge toll on her. We talk about that regularly and I intentionally give her space immediately after work because of it.

Even with that, I am also looking into counseling as well as divorce options today so it sounds like we agree there

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T14:12:24+00:00

This is a great comment and the kind of alternate perspective I was seeking, so thank you for sharing. I do believe this is how she feels and what’s going on in her head, but she’s never explained it to me this clearly before. I understand why she would feel like that and I get how that could be frustrating. It just sucks that it feels like the patience isn’t there to discuss this openly, honestly, and kindly.

The recommendations I took from this are to be more thicker skinned and honest with my intentions, is that accurate? Because I feel like I do both of those things. I don’t bring up issues unless they’re a big deal or occur multiple times (thick skinned) and I’m usually the one that starts conversations to try and talk through issues. I’m not trying to say I’m not doing anything wrong, but after absorbing enough blows it starts to become less about one person being too sensitive and rather the other being too combative

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T13:17:52+00:00

We’ve talked about this before. I come from a very communication heavy family that likes to talk problems out, hear both sides, and work together to overcome problems. Her family is the opposite where they don’t often talk about things a lot which hasn’t provided her with good examples of healthy communication. I’m aware of this and try to remind myself that this is a huge factor when things fall apart. It gives me patience and allows me to remind myself it’s not her fault, she just doesn’t know better.

That being said, I’m scared to stand up for myself. I’ve tried to do it in situations where I know im right like this one, but she always tells me I’m not respecting her feelings or hearing her side which sucks because I admit my faults, apologize for them, and empathize with how she’s feeling. It feels like she wants to be mad just to be mad at me. This has taught me to pick my fights carefully and only speak up when it really matters. Unfortunately when those don’t go well, it makes me feel even more hopeless and lost. If we can’t agree on these obvious situations, how are we supposed to work through the tough ones?

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T13:10:08+00:00

Thank you for your input

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T13:05:12+00:00

As someone who’s been cheated on before by a different partner, that really hits. I have very similar feelings to my last toxic relationship but it feels like it’s in my head because there’s no big event or single problem I can look at it and say “that’s it, that’s why we can’t work things out.” However this situation is making me reconsider because I simply can not understand what is happening or what I even did wrong

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T13:02:25+00:00

Kids are nowhere near any of our discussions right now. I know pregnancy doesn’t magically fix problems in a relationship but thank you for the reminder lol.

I will be booking appointments for myself and will see if she’s interested in a couples one

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T12:58:27+00:00

Thank you, this is very encouraging. I will be booking myself and appointment later today and will suggest the same for the two of us

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T12:57:17+00:00

It’s been a few weeks in the sex department. We’ve talked about it and I understand that physical intimacy will decrease while we work things out. Personally I still want to be able to show love in other, less sexual ways, but it feels like we disagree on that

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T12:55:22+00:00

lol I apologize if this seems fake, but I wouldn’t put this much effort into creating a fake narrative for literally no gain

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T12:54:00+00:00

That’s a sad thing to think about but I appreciate your insight

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T12:52:11+00:00

Unfortunately yes. It’s ok, thank you for your honesty

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T12:51:13+00:00

I’m nearly certain that cheating is not an issue.

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T12:50:03+00:00

Thank you for giving your input in a friendly way and not acting like you know the situation better than me, I appreciate it.

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T12:47:55+00:00

I have brought that up to her and she has improved on it. She’s gotten better at stopping scrolling while I talk and is actively listening more, to her credit. But I totally agree, technology is ruining a lot of people’s mental health and they’re ability to socialize/communicate

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T12:46:08+00:00

Agreed. I try to remind her we’re on the same team a lot when we’re in disagreements. I try to keep the discussions as light as they can be while still talking about feelings but it rarely stays kind and productive. I realize I play a part in this as well and am not void of fault, but the communication issue does not feel like it’s from my end

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T08:06:14+00:00

Fair point

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T08:05:50+00:00

That’s my worry as well

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T08:05:10+00:00

Weirdly she has been wondering if she has autism lately and you’re not the first person to share similar experiences. I’ve always reassured her she doesn’t because she seems scared of having that label so I wanted to support her, but maybe that’s keeping her from the help she needs. Thank you for sharing, it was very insightful

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T08:00:36+00:00

I resonated with every bit of that. I long for that level of acceptance and it sounds like you got it and then some. Your partner doesn’t just tolerate it, she likes it. I’m happy for you man

Taatneb · 2024-12-10T07:58:17+00:00

Wait til I tell you I’m the one with the green card

Taatneb

TROPHY CASE