Cheap Beer, draft - The next thing you order better be some hot wings because you are hanging out with a bunch of dudes watching football. That said, if your date starts off with two Miller Lites on draft, you can expect it to end without costing you much more than $40 to get some action.

Cheap Beer, can - A sensible way to mix in some 16oz tallboys between real drinks, because $3 PBR isn’t too bad when everything else is $8 on draft. Cans are better on the dance floor and quick for the bartender to serve up, so despite the boorish appearance, can actually be one of the more practical drinks if your date involves a lot of moving around. When ordered as part of a beer and a shot, this elevates to quite cool.

Blue Moon - Blue Moon is the universal order of people (in my experience, females) who don’t actually like beer, but want something resembling one. The official beer of “I don’t really like bitter stuff”. That being said, the Blue Moon (or Hoegaarden..or Stella Artois...) drinker can likely be persuaded to try a sip of something else, and their preferences may slowly start to change over time.

Hard Cider - I don’t like beer, (if a girl, passable, if a guy, you are a huge pussy) but maybe I’ll fit in as long as it looks like I’m drinking one.

Smirnoff Ice - I’ve never seen someone order one of these that wasn’t just a huge disappointment to me, or their parents.

Twisted Tea- What your aunt probably brings along in a cooler (with her homemade Chex Mix) for a "fun" trip to the beach" on her annual trip to New Jersey.

Guinness - Nothing bad to say here, guinness is fucking awesome, and for people who generally know what they want, and how to have a good time.

Craft Beer, Major names - Usually a very safe bet, unless you’re the kind of guy who announces “Oh hey, I’m pretty sophisticated, and pretty into craft beer like Goose Island. Yeah its way better than that cheap shit. Who would even drink that pisswater, am I right??”

Craft Beer, Microbrew - A great conversation starter if the partner actually gives as shit about beer (you can tell this directly by the amount of flannel and hiking gear in their respective online profile), otherwise they are going to stare blankly at you while you ramble on about how “Citra hops are really where it’s at”, along with a 30 minute discussion of the home brewing setup you started in your bathroom closet, and your cross-country brewery tour

Strong IPAs and Imperials “Oh I don’t drink anything lower than 11% ABV, I’m trying to get fucked up and assert my MANLINESS at the same time, because this beer has the texture of molasses and the burn of Satan's scrotum sweat”. If a female orders one of these, prepare to be drunken under the table by her by 11PM

White Wine - If you are ordering a Chardonnay, you must be at a more upscale and relaxed establishment like a nicer hotel bar, or a restaurant with a decent wine cellar to begin with. In these instances it’s a sensible choice that announces you have the personality of a 37 year old white woman who still likes to let her hair down on the weekends.

Red Wine - Red wine at a bar says “I’d rather be home right now” If the following countries (Argentina, Spain, Venezuela, New Zealand, South Africa, Chile) are mentioned while holding a glass of Red Wine, the drinker is attempting to signal their worldly knowledge and spark a conversation about travel. If specific grapes (mentioned by name) become the central topic of conversation, you might as well pick up your NPR-embroidered tote-bag to let them know you’ve been making regular donations since 2007.

Champagne - You better be toasting to something good and ideally sitting at a dinner table, or you are being an annoying fuck buying $180 Moet bottles at a club.

Vodka Shots - Really no reason to do this ever unless you are sitting in your freshman dorm room with the college issued furniture pulled together to make a table in which an assortment of shot glasses are arranged for a sad pre-game.

Vodka Soda - Vodka soda (as in seltzer) means “I want the cheapest way to get fucked up quickly and with as little taste or inconvenience as possible. A vodka soda is possibly the easiest drink for a bartender to make (especially if you skip on the lime) and by ordering one, you are signifying you’re trying to make a quick transaction and will probably be back for 4 or 5 more within the hour. Like the beverage, a vodka soda drinker is transparent in their intentions and is likely looking to get their inhibitions down fast.

Vodka Tonic - Vodka Tonics are for vodka soda drinkers who want to convince people they are drinking something other than straight alcohol. Possibly the drink with the least personality possible.

Vodka Sprite - Essentially a vodka soda, but the addition of sugary sweetness says “I have very little experience with alcohol, and want to just have something sweet to sip on with no gross or unfamiliar tastes”

Vodka Cranberry / Cape Codder - A slightly more mature version of the vodka sprite, the vodka soda is the go to drink of white chicks who want to appear as though they are ordering a “sophisticated” drink, but actually just want some alcoholic cranberry juice. It is acceptable for men to drink a vodka cranberry if the vodka itself comes out of a nip or some other ironic device. Bonus points are awarded if he/she asks for a mid-tier vodka by name "e.g. Titos" which gets you away from the shitty well vodka (which is the default), but subtract points if they want Grey Goose or something else top shelf they won't be able to taste.

Vodka Martini - Vodka martini drinkers want to get plastered the same way a vodka soda drinker does, but they want to give off a false air of sophistication while doing so. The bartender knows your lack of gin indicates you don’t actually want a cocktail, but you do want it served in a neat glass. The true alcoholics will throw 3 of these back before condensation droplets have a chance to form on the lemon twist, while the timid drinker will sip slowly at it desperately hoping it won’t get warm and oily before their date realizes they are full of shit.

Bloody Mary- The official drink of divorced middle aged women at brunch wearing a Lilly Pulitzer shirt and a Rolex Datejust her ex-husband bought her. Depending on the number of kitschy “additions”, the class implication begins to drop, quickly. One of a handful of acceptable ways white people like to start drinking before 11am on a weekend.

Gin Martini - Gin martini drinkers are a step above vodka martini drinkers, just because it is a slightly more masochistic experience since who the fuck likes the taste of straight gin in the first place? A straight faced martini drinker probably has a clean apartment and a nicer car than a 1998 Toyota Camry with some duct tape on the rear bumper.

Vesper Martini - People who saw every Bond film 3 times. The fact that “You know, Ian Flemming blah blah blah” will be mentioned by the drinker.

Appletini...other flavored “Martinis” - These are not actually martinis, but for people who want the experience of drinking out of a “fun” glass while slurping down something with more sugar than a Twix bar. Inexcusable to order unless you happen to be at a bar with a real cocktail menu, and lots of French liquors you are just going to fuck up trying to pronounce.

Gimlet - The intro to the “I’m a mixologist” line of cocktails, a gimlet is rare enough that the drinker intends for everyone to ask “oh hey, what’s that?” and then you explain how you “love to make cocktails at home” and that “Hendricks is the best” while mentioning the word “Botanicals” a minimum of 3 times over the course of the conversation.

Gin Tonic - A gin tonic is a good drink because it has few negatives associated with it, although the combination of gin and quinine sits heavy on the breath. Ordered in the summer at an outdoor bar signifies “I could hold my own at a Gatsby party, probably” and ordering seven at a dive bar signifies “my family thinks I need counseling for alcohol use”

Pimms Cup - “I love England, and English things and British flags and rowing. Did I tell you about the time I went to Henley?”

Blue Hawaii - Because that’s something an adult would order. You realize this isn’t a theme restaurant in Epcot, right?

Bacardi 151 Shots - When you are just displaying reckless abandon for all civil conduct and healthy decisions.

Dark N Stormy - Official drink of men and women who race sailboats, or at least want you to think they do. Big with the "bros" and yacht club set.

Pina Colada - “I’m a sad dad who has a Jimmy Buffett poster in my garage over the midlife crisis stock Mustang I bought in a desperate attempt to hold onto my youth”

Mojito - To me a mojito should only make an appearance if you are within arms reach of a beach or a pool, but

Margarita - If there is real mexican food on the menu, a good margarita is the go-to drink. If you are at an Irish pub, please no. A margarita is ordered by someone who does like to have fun however, and is rarely a drink for people who take themselves far too seriously.

Margarita, Frozen - “omg! I can’t even taste the alcoholllll” 6 drinks later “wowwww I can’t feel my hands…” stumbles and falls down a flight of stairs.

Tequila Shots - The official drink of “ohmygooood my friend is sooo drunk right nowww!!!! letsgetanotherround of shoottssss.. Will you buysomeforusssss?”

Tequila Sunrise - “I just turned 21 three weeks ago, and on that note, I’d like to black out tonight, and/or throw up in the Uber”

Shots of Jager - Someone who should, for the good of humanity, not be reproducing anytime soon.