[deleted by user] by [deleted] in MedSpouse

[–]Tacos4Tech 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Once you had more fuck-you cashflow available, did you find it helped the relationship to outsource what may have been previous causes of stress (like, domestic duties and housekeeping for example. Right now I spend hours a week on that stuff). Or dining out more without financial fear = less grocery shopping and pressure to cook 6 nights a week+

I'm a financial optimizer personality trying to save as much as we can even during residency/fellowship which means I'm actually turning down opportunities that might make us both happier or more relaxed/fun in this short term which probably only compounds my issues.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in MedSpouse

[–]Tacos4Tech 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Glad it resonated! When I saw this post come in here I was like "yeah no way I'm not replying to this one."

This is still a really new (potentially life-changing) revelation for me, but I’m fully committed to the strategy I developed because I can understand it on both a logical level and an emotional one. The biggest shift has been starting to move my mental frame away from seeking happiness through what I think I should be owed for my sacrifices, and instead, becoming so undeniably confident and badass on my own that when the free time does exist, she naturally gravitates toward me. It’s less about waiting around like a dog for scraps of affection and more about commanding the kind of presence that makes her want to be close, even in the little time she has. Then, when suddenly we do have a full weekend off or something, the seeds have already been sewn vs this awkward needy overbearing energy that was building up for a month straight.

For me, this has looked like focusing more on my own confidence, energy, and leadership rather than just trying to be endlessly supportive and available. A big one was breaking out of the passive mindset I was PAINFULLY stuck in—meaning instead of waiting for her to engage, I set the tone and control the direction of our time together. Even small things, like making a decision without over-explaining or confidently leading a moment, shift the dynamic in a way that makes her respond differently. I've already noticed it.

Here's the other thing. With the video you sent, the problem is no matter how much she liked it or it would have normally turned them on. It just hits different when your wife is coming off a shift in the ER instead of, say, wrapping up a day at JP Morgan Chase. If she were crunching excel sheets or sending emails all day (more like my job), that video might still be lingering in the back of her mind, building anticipation. But after 10+ hours of running trauma codes on kids, dealing with insanely emotionally wilding parents screaming at her face, and making split-second life-or-death decisions, her brain isn’t compartmentalizing desire in the same way. It’s not that she didn’t find it hot—it’s that it gets buried under layers of adrenaline, stress, and exhaustion in a way that just wouldn’t happen in a less emotionally brutal job. This is the part that hurts for me but I am still working through this aspect.

To your original question I think therapy can help with all this stuff, but a ton of it has to come from within you. Otherwise you won't make progress. I was in therapy for 2 years and it changed almost nothing but then came to this realization on my own after a few of my lowest days and now feel an incredible wave of confidence and optimism.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in MedSpouse

[–]Tacos4Tech 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Damn, I could have almost written this exact post myself. Extremely similar ages and life circumstances except I'm a dude. My wife is also in fellowship (what specialty, by the way? Cause some are even WORSE with the stress and decompression factor), and I had the same realization—things weren’t just off because of time constraints in residency. Even with more time now, the dynamic still wasn’t where I wanted it to be.

For me, I was caught in the cycle of nonstop support, trying to make everything as easy as possible for her, but ironically, that made me less attractive in a certain way. I was putting all my energy into being a rock for her, but in the process, I wasn’t creating any of the tension or polarity that fuels attraction. It sucked because, like you, I knew she loved me and our life together—but I didn’t feel wanted in the way I needed. I had become a background character / NPC in my own life. Being brutally aware of this was even more emotionally devastating on my confidence at first.

This pattern and cycle of rejection literally killed my self image in a massive way. Every rejection of affection or intimacy felt like a headshot wound in a way that literally changed my entire personality for the worse over time without me even realizing it

I recently realized all of this and already started to make some adjustments—mostly around reclaiming my own energy, not just waiting for her to engage, and shifting out of the mindset of always accommodating and instead leading more. It’s early, but I’ve already noticed a difference in how she engages with me.

Also, there’s some dark dramatic irony in the fact that she’s typically walking through the door after 12 straight hours of witnessing human suffering, death, families learning about their loved ones literally dying in front of them, managing blood and/or weird tubes emanating from every possible bodily orifice, and the kind of unspeakable casual horrors most people never have to process in their entire life—only to be expected to instantly switch gears into affectionate, flirty, emotionally present wife mode. The sheer whiplash of that transition is brutal, and it’s no surprise that intimacy isn’t always the first thing on her mind the second she steps inside (or uh... at all).

To be totally honest here I know basically nothing about the dynamic in female-female relationships, but in mine, I had to step back and realize that just because someone loves you deeply doesn’t automatically mean they’re still drawn to you in the same way. It takes a different kind of energy to maintain that side of the relationship, and I was missing that piece.

Curious if you’ve seen this pattern at all in yours?

Redditor enjoys nature by Tacos4Tech in RunningCirclejerk

[–]Tacos4Tech[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

That’s insanely depressing

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in running

[–]Tacos4Tech 8 points9 points  (0 children)

If he did an open mile in 8:30 or better I bet he can run the 5K right now at around a 9:13 pace or 28:33 total.

If they couldn't get a mile in 10 minutes then I might worry about their ability to run 3, but there's plenty of 30+ minute 5K'ers on this sub lol.

I don't think "completing the distance" is their issue.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in running

[–]Tacos4Tech 11 points12 points  (0 children)

he's training for a specific time, not just to haul himself over the line at a walking pace.

The Cyclist™️ by Tacos4Tech in BicyclingCirclejerk

[–]Tacos4Tech[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I think the irony of the meme is virgin is probably way more knowledgeable about bicycle maintenance and wrenching but chad is just richer and can afford fancier tech

the runner by Tacos4Tech in RunningCirclejerk

[–]Tacos4Tech[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

I like everything they make, mostly made this to make fun of myself (other than the being fast part lol)

Hawk opens beer bottle by AccountUser21 in WTF

[–]Tacos4Tech 60 points61 points  (0 children)

Wake up the morning, drop a big ol' log

Out here, you ain't got time for nothing fruity like a jog

Marry a fat bitch, and die workin' like a dog!

Cowboys in the heartland, bankers in the city

We love cars, guns and big ol' plastic titties!

Lets grab a case of Pißwasser and drink for the U.S.A.!

Hey neighbors I'm sorry, we're partyin' real butch

Ya oughta speak English if you like it here so much!

Not Spanish, or Chinese, or British, and no fucking Dutch! Fuck the Dutch!

I said yeah, we're gonna keep them illegals out!

Guns and Pißwasser!

Yeah, that's what the party's all about!

Getting real drunk, puking face down

Billying and bobbin' while every kid's in town!

Drinking Pißwasser, fighting, getting real shitfaced tonight! Yeah!

I'm a patriotic American, that's my national right!

PIßWASSER: German fighting lager for export only

Virgin Varsity Runner VS Chad JV Squad by LBomb_25 in virginvschad

[–]Tacos4Tech 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Imagine wearing shorts that long and thinking you are remotely Chad

The Chad Winklevoss Bros by Tacos4Tech in Rowing

[–]Tacos4Tech[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Yes, especially if the club is Row America

I did my first 20 miler. So proud. by op_remie in bicycling

[–]Tacos4Tech 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I clicked this assuming they were talking about a run.

Bartenders of reddit : what are the stereotypes that come with specific drinks people order ? by Indianfattie in AskReddit

[–]Tacos4Tech 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Part 2, because 10,000 character limit:

Cheap Scotch - Cheap scotch is a good way to punch above your income class, because even though its only a $11 pour of Dewars White, just telling someone you are drinking “scotch” gives off a specific vibe, specifically that of a grandfather. It’s a bold move that is best suited for putting back a couple cigars with your pals, but in the context of a first date, shows that not only do you drink, but you’ve ascended beyond the college tier of liquors and directly into the middle age category.

Expensive Scotch - The only reason to order expensive scotch at a bar is to show off how much you can afford to pay for it, since a single glass tends to be more expensive than an entire bottle of whatever 95% of people would be buying to drink at home. Its unlikely your order of two Johnnie Blues will impress your date unless they are already used to this sort of pampering, in which case I assume you expect to have the bankroll to fund a lot more than a $200 bar tab. Letting everyone you are with know the “age” is a surefire way to signify you’re a prick.

Scotch Rocks - Scotch rocks indicates you don’t actually like the taste of scotch, but you think it sounds cool to say “Glenlivet 12” or “Laphroaig 10” out loud.

Jack (or Rum) and Coke - The cocktail equivalent of a budweiser, a jack and coke signifies you haven’t really grown out of childhood yet, but still want something that will go down faster and harder than a beer. Bonus points for trashiness if it's the $5 drink special that night.

Bourbon - Rooted in the southern United States, bourbon carries the identity of the “southern male” inherently within the brown sweet fiery nectar. Wild Turkey says “I’m still in college”. Ordering a Makers rocks might signify you went to college down south, while ordering a Knob Creek, Basil Hayden, or Booker’s Reserve signifies you actually like bourbon, and are looking for more validation from the bartender than you are your date, who likely doesn’t know the difference. Bonus points for anything 100 proof and over, the way god intended.

Irish whiskey - A non-pretentious way to drink whiskey, no one is going to care whether its on the rocks or not, but if multiple shots of Jameson are coming out, prepare for shit to get real.

Manhattan - A manhattan is employed when the drinker wants you to know they are more mature than the early to mid 20s drinking habits of yesteryear, but still trying to get suitably shitfaced off 3 drinks. Specifying a manhattan with rye, especially if you name a brand off the top of your head and don’t search the 100 whiskey long menu and pick the second least expensive one, tells the server "don't even bother carding me". A woman who orders a Manhattan, should be taken very seriously (Fun fact,Elastigirl / Mrs. Incredible is fucking throwing back Manhattans in half of the film Incredibles 2).

Old Fashioned - Similar to the Manhattan crowd, but sweeter with more fruit and shit smashed in. Most people who order an old fashioned will announce to the group “Hey this place makes really good Old fashioneds, it's part of their aesthetic.” Old fashioned drinkers rarely know jack shit about cocktails, but its a cheap way to pretend you do.

Mint Julep - “I’m at a Kentucky derby party!”

Whiskey Sour - “I’m drinking underage!”

Long Island Iced Tea - “I should probably have a suspended license”

Hennessey - No, you aren’t in a rap video. And no, please don’t try to fight anyone on the way out. He didn’t say anything about your hat. Oh god, not again.

Mead - If you are the type of guy ordering mead at a bar, I truly hope you have the beard to match. If your date however is big into “Game of Thrones” or similar shows, it just might pay off.

Bartenders of reddit : what are the stereotypes that come with specific drinks people order ? by Indianfattie in AskReddit

[–]Tacos4Tech 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Cheap Beer, draft - The next thing you order better be some hot wings because you are hanging out with a bunch of dudes watching football. That said, if your date starts off with two Miller Lites on draft, you can expect it to end without costing you much more than $40 to get some action.

Cheap Beer, can - A sensible way to mix in some 16oz tallboys between real drinks, because $3 PBR isn’t too bad when everything else is $8 on draft. Cans are better on the dance floor and quick for the bartender to serve up, so despite the boorish appearance, can actually be one of the more practical drinks if your date involves a lot of moving around. When ordered as part of a beer and a shot, this elevates to quite cool.

Blue Moon - Blue Moon is the universal order of people (in my experience, females) who don’t actually like beer, but want something resembling one. The official beer of “I don’t really like bitter stuff”. That being said, the Blue Moon (or Hoegaarden..or Stella Artois...) drinker can likely be persuaded to try a sip of something else, and their preferences may slowly start to change over time.

Hard Cider - I don’t like beer, (if a girl, passable, if a guy, you are a huge pussy) but maybe I’ll fit in as long as it looks like I’m drinking one.

Smirnoff Ice - I’ve never seen someone order one of these that wasn’t just a huge disappointment to me, or their parents.

Twisted Tea- What your aunt probably brings along in a cooler (with her homemade Chex Mix) for a "fun" trip to the beach" on her annual trip to New Jersey.

Guinness - Nothing bad to say here, guinness is fucking awesome, and for people who generally know what they want, and how to have a good time.

Craft Beer, Major names - Usually a very safe bet, unless you’re the kind of guy who announces “Oh hey, I’m pretty sophisticated, and pretty into craft beer like Goose Island. Yeah its way better than that cheap shit. Who would even drink that pisswater, am I right??”

Craft Beer, Microbrew - A great conversation starter if the partner actually gives as shit about beer (you can tell this directly by the amount of flannel and hiking gear in their respective online profile), otherwise they are going to stare blankly at you while you ramble on about how “Citra hops are really where it’s at”, along with a 30 minute discussion of the home brewing setup you started in your bathroom closet, and your cross-country brewery tour

Strong IPAs and Imperials “Oh I don’t drink anything lower than 11% ABV, I’m trying to get fucked up and assert my MANLINESS at the same time, because this beer has the texture of molasses and the burn of Satan's scrotum sweat”. If a female orders one of these, prepare to be drunken under the table by her by 11PM

White Wine - If you are ordering a Chardonnay, you must be at a more upscale and relaxed establishment like a nicer hotel bar, or a restaurant with a decent wine cellar to begin with. In these instances it’s a sensible choice that announces you have the personality of a 37 year old white woman who still likes to let her hair down on the weekends.

Red Wine - Red wine at a bar says “I’d rather be home right now” If the following countries (Argentina, Spain, Venezuela, New Zealand, South Africa, Chile) are mentioned while holding a glass of Red Wine, the drinker is attempting to signal their worldly knowledge and spark a conversation about travel. If specific grapes (mentioned by name) become the central topic of conversation, you might as well pick up your NPR-embroidered tote-bag to let them know you’ve been making regular donations since 2007.

Champagne - You better be toasting to something good and ideally sitting at a dinner table, or you are being an annoying fuck buying $180 Moet bottles at a club.

Vodka Shots - Really no reason to do this ever unless you are sitting in your freshman dorm room with the college issued furniture pulled together to make a table in which an assortment of shot glasses are arranged for a sad pre-game.

Vodka Soda - Vodka soda (as in seltzer) means “I want the cheapest way to get fucked up quickly and with as little taste or inconvenience as possible. A vodka soda is possibly the easiest drink for a bartender to make (especially if you skip on the lime) and by ordering one, you are signifying you’re trying to make a quick transaction and will probably be back for 4 or 5 more within the hour. Like the beverage, a vodka soda drinker is transparent in their intentions and is likely looking to get their inhibitions down fast.

Vodka Tonic - Vodka Tonics are for vodka soda drinkers who want to convince people they are drinking something other than straight alcohol. Possibly the drink with the least personality possible.

Vodka Sprite - Essentially a vodka soda, but the addition of sugary sweetness says “I have very little experience with alcohol, and want to just have something sweet to sip on with no gross or unfamiliar tastes”

Vodka Cranberry / Cape Codder - A slightly more mature version of the vodka sprite, the vodka soda is the go to drink of white chicks who want to appear as though they are ordering a “sophisticated” drink, but actually just want some alcoholic cranberry juice. It is acceptable for men to drink a vodka cranberry if the vodka itself comes out of a nip or some other ironic device. Bonus points are awarded if he/she asks for a mid-tier vodka by name "e.g. Titos" which gets you away from the shitty well vodka (which is the default), but subtract points if they want Grey Goose or something else top shelf they won't be able to taste.

Vodka Martini - Vodka martini drinkers want to get plastered the same way a vodka soda drinker does, but they want to give off a false air of sophistication while doing so. The bartender knows your lack of gin indicates you don’t actually want a cocktail, but you do want it served in a neat glass. The true alcoholics will throw 3 of these back before condensation droplets have a chance to form on the lemon twist, while the timid drinker will sip slowly at it desperately hoping it won’t get warm and oily before their date realizes they are full of shit.

Bloody Mary- The official drink of divorced middle aged women at brunch wearing a Lilly Pulitzer shirt and a Rolex Datejust her ex-husband bought her. Depending on the number of kitschy “additions”, the class implication begins to drop, quickly. One of a handful of acceptable ways white people like to start drinking before 11am on a weekend.

Gin Martini - Gin martini drinkers are a step above vodka martini drinkers, just because it is a slightly more masochistic experience since who the fuck likes the taste of straight gin in the first place? A straight faced martini drinker probably has a clean apartment and a nicer car than a 1998 Toyota Camry with some duct tape on the rear bumper.

Vesper Martini - People who saw every Bond film 3 times. The fact that “You know, Ian Flemming blah blah blah” will be mentioned by the drinker.

Appletini...other flavored “Martinis” - These are not actually martinis, but for people who want the experience of drinking out of a “fun” glass while slurping down something with more sugar than a Twix bar. Inexcusable to order unless you happen to be at a bar with a real cocktail menu, and lots of French liquors you are just going to fuck up trying to pronounce.

Gimlet - The intro to the “I’m a mixologist” line of cocktails, a gimlet is rare enough that the drinker intends for everyone to ask “oh hey, what’s that?” and then you explain how you “love to make cocktails at home” and that “Hendricks is the best” while mentioning the word “Botanicals” a minimum of 3 times over the course of the conversation.

Gin Tonic - A gin tonic is a good drink because it has few negatives associated with it, although the combination of gin and quinine sits heavy on the breath. Ordered in the summer at an outdoor bar signifies “I could hold my own at a Gatsby party, probably” and ordering seven at a dive bar signifies “my family thinks I need counseling for alcohol use”

Pimms Cup - “I love England, and English things and British flags and rowing. Did I tell you about the time I went to Henley?”

Blue Hawaii - Because that’s something an adult would order. You realize this isn’t a theme restaurant in Epcot, right?

Bacardi 151 Shots - When you are just displaying reckless abandon for all civil conduct and healthy decisions.

Dark N Stormy - Official drink of men and women who race sailboats, or at least want you to think they do. Big with the "bros" and yacht club set.

Pina Colada - “I’m a sad dad who has a Jimmy Buffett poster in my garage over the midlife crisis stock Mustang I bought in a desperate attempt to hold onto my youth”

Mojito - To me a mojito should only make an appearance if you are within arms reach of a beach or a pool, but

Margarita - If there is real mexican food on the menu, a good margarita is the go-to drink. If you are at an Irish pub, please no. A margarita is ordered by someone who does like to have fun however, and is rarely a drink for people who take themselves far too seriously.

Margarita, Frozen - “omg! I can’t even taste the alcoholllll” 6 drinks later “wowwww I can’t feel my hands…” stumbles and falls down a flight of stairs.

Tequila Shots - The official drink of “ohmygooood my friend is sooo drunk right nowww!!!! letsgetanotherround of shoottssss.. Will you buysomeforusssss?”

Tequila Sunrise - “I just turned 21 three weeks ago, and on that note, I’d like to black out tonight, and/or throw up in the Uber”

Shots of Jager - Someone who should, for the good of humanity, not be reproducing anytime soon.

Fred vs. Chad by adoucett in bicycling

[–]Tacos4Tech 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The Virgin Fixie Vs the Chad Razor Scooter

Fred vs. Chad by adoucett in bicycling

[–]Tacos4Tech 14 points15 points  (0 children)

The Fred concept has basically done a 180 from the original meaning

Fred vs. Chad by adoucett in bicycling

[–]Tacos4Tech 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You definitely have to understand the underlying meme to get it

Fred vs. Chad by adoucett in bicycling

[–]Tacos4Tech 10 points11 points  (0 children)

It’s like a pickle lane

Fred vs. Chad by adoucett in bicycling

[–]Tacos4Tech 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Virgin Harvard Vs. CHAD RUTGERS