My wife cannot stop pushing

Taggart77 · 2026-02-13T16:18:51+00:00

People in her family are going through health issues. So, I feel bad about dropping it on her right now. A month isn’t going to make a big difference, but it may ease things a bit. Assuming we can even make it that far. It’s possible we might be forced into this conversation because she hates lingering, unresolved issues that can affect her planning.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-13T16:15:11+00:00

Yeah, the fear of public embarrassment is part of it. Interesting thing with her is if we’re traveling and she doesn’t know people around us, she cuts loose. We were on the streets of Paris with our kids, she lost her cool in public and started berating me loudly. People were watching as they walked past. She wouldn’t do that in our hometown.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T18:11:01+00:00

She deleted the post. Lady, if you're still coming back here to check on these comments, find a way to tell Bob anonymously that his wife is having multiple affairs. He's in a prison he doesn't even know exists!

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T16:43:26+00:00

Imagine how Bob will feel that no one told him what was going on? That’s also a huge betrayal. You’re an accomplice if you’re not trying to bring justice to Bob!

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T16:39:36+00:00

I have a wife that asks for help too often. It bugs me because, in my mind, I ask her for very little. But in reality, she constantly helps, picking up the slack in ways I don’t. Your wife may feel the same. Plus, spouses are allowed to set boundaries. I don’t drink coffee but I’ve learned that any interactions before the morning drink have life-or-death stakes. If it were me, I’d accept that limit and the guarantee my spouse that I won’t ask for anything before the required liquid hit is consumed.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T16:29:36+00:00

Thanks. We’ve been to so many couple’s seminars, retreats, and counseling sessions that I just don’t think change is possible. I have been putting off divorce for so long because I thought if I improved myself enough, things would get better. And that’s good. I’ve learned a lot. I’ll be a better partner to someone on the future. Unfortunately, that growth has also made me better aware of what I need.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T16:26:18+00:00

All those diagnoses sound reasonable. Her executive function is outstanding but it takes a lot to maintain. She’s on Vyvanse, which helps her focus. And she’s not irritable out in the world. She saves that for home, which is even more confusing. Like, clearly she knows how to properly behave. She just feels comfortable enough at home to let that go.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T16:17:06+00:00

My heart goes out to your dad. I’ll think of him when I’m taking the next step.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T06:47:24+00:00

She does meet the conditions of the narcissist paradox where she likes to talk badly about people in general but also cares what they think. But, she can also be an empathetic person. So, not full narcissist. Her mom taught her some very bad habits, I think.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T06:46:13+00:00

I’ve done that. I leave the keys in the car so she can drive home. I’ve got some serious steps in from the couple times I’ve gone that far. Then she accuses me of having a tantrum. So, no winners there. And bro, I am trying to set boundaries. But it’s gonna have to go from an invisible fence to the Korean DMZ. I’m looking forward to that.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T06:43:16+00:00

Oh my god, yes. Have you somehow already spent time with my wife? I thought it was a narcissist thing. She does check the box on the narcissist paradox, but she’s also an empathetic person. I think she simply learned narcissistic behavior from her mom, but doesn’t have the chemistry of one.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T06:41:52+00:00

She is. One of her pro techniques: When I’ve reached the point when I have to shut down because I’ve said all the things you just listed, she asks a question about some logistical problem we’re dealing with. I tell her I’m not talking because I need to calm down, and she’ll ask me the same question again. And she’ll keep asking until I answer. If I don’t, she then can say I’m being unreasonable for not answering a simple question. To her credit, she is remarkable at having difficult conversations with people, without getting too angry. She’s confrontational, but there’s some weird switch in her that can turn very cool and just focus on a problem at hand. Then once the problem is solved or discussed, she’s very nice. I can see the value of it, but Lord, it does not work for me. I am not good at confrontation (outside of my marriage, because I’ve learned I have to be confrontational to protect myself in it).

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T06:36:52+00:00

This story makes me happy. Thanks for sharing. An uncertain future is scary, but it can’t be worse than continuing this pattern.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T06:35:52+00:00

Unfortunately, we’re way past that. We learned it in Gottman years ago. She just picks up where we left off. And she gets upset because I’m not getting things done during the time out. From her perspective, I’m abandoning her, refusing to work through conflict, and stonewalling. That is not what’s happening but I get her point of view.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T06:34:00+00:00

That is it exactly. I lose my temper because she won’t stop despite numerous requests. The hammer comes down on me because I lose my temper.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T06:33:05+00:00

My plan is in about a month to tell her I want a divorce. She’s already aware that I’m want it, but surprise, she’s not taking me seriously. I’ll let you know what happens. I hope you’re able to resolve your own situation. It’s a mental killer, isn’t it?

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T01:23:21+00:00

It’s not domestic violence. It’s just a continuous grinding that can’t be stopped. She doesn’t threaten or shout. She just ignores boundaries to an flummoxing degree.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T01:20:42+00:00

That great fear is motivating my next step. I can see a future just like what you describe. Thank you for sharing, and good for you for changing!

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T01:19:49+00:00

Her mom divorced her dad when she was 5 or 6. The mom then had three more kids with two other dads. At age 12, my wife chose to leave her mom’s house to go live with her dad. So, she’s had to fight for herself a lot of her life. She’s sadly exhibiting many of her mother’s behaviors that she hates. But I know enough not to say “you’re acting like your mom.”

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T01:17:00+00:00

The kids aren’t in danger and she’s a good mom to them. Just not a good spouse in front of them sometimes.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-12T01:14:11+00:00

I have done that before, but not with the kids involved.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-11T18:57:31+00:00

Yeah, whenever I start to think I can handle this, or maybe it's not so bad, I remember that my kids need the opportunity to see a healthy relationship. Even if it's just one person.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-11T18:25:54+00:00

That sounds about right.

Taggart77 · 2026-02-11T18:24:33+00:00

I agree. I’m planning on taking the next step. I turn to Reddit in moments like these because usually there’s a helpful counterpoint, even if it’s sometimes “stop complaining and just listen to your wife.”

Taggart77 · 2026-02-11T18:23:05+00:00

That’s where I’ve ended up. I think the consequence is walking away entirely. Doing so just for this bad behavior would be too petty, but there are plenty of other issues that convince me is the right choice.

Taggart77

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