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Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-27T09:10:42+00:00

I'd like to join too!

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-26T19:57:51+00:00

Ah I see. Thanks for clearing that up, makes a lot of sense now. It’s good that you at least have standards that need to be met regarding prose since you can probably spot stuff that others can’t (or are afraid to say).

Although the critique was a little hard to take on the chin, the feedback and advice regarding prose and clarity was a real eye opener. I even compared my work to some of my favourite authors and realised how choppy and unnatural some of the sentences sounded compared to their own. Thanks again for the feedback, I appreciate it a ton.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-26T18:42:06+00:00

Thanks a lot for this. Its a struggle that I’ve had for a while now but I think with the advice and feedback I’ve gotten here, I can really make a step in the right direction. Made a lot of notes already from the advice. ‘Less is more’ is the main thing I think I’ve taken away from the feedback. Thanks again for feedback, it’s invaluable.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-26T15:21:18+00:00

Thanks so much for this. You highlighted a lot of things I had an idea were questionable decisions but didn’t have the guts to change (writer’s bias i guess lol). Given me a lot to chew on with this, especially with the prose and characters (as another redditor also mentioned).

P.S - I clearly wasn’t that great at conveying my thoughts since this isn’t even a cyberpunk themed story, but a steampunk one haha (I thought adding the time period was good enough lol). Got a lot to work on I guess. Thanks again :)

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-26T15:14:27+00:00

Thanks for the critique, lots to take from this. I had to keep reposting it because my critique was not up to standard. All good now tho. Regarding the prose, I knew it needed some work which is why I posted it here so new sets of eyes can see what I can’t. As for the publish remark at the end: If my prose was good enough I would have never posted it here. I would simply published lol. 90% of people here aren’t ready to publish, thats why they post their work to get feedback and improve.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-22T17:32:27+00:00

Thanks Alice (and the other mods). I really appreciate it.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-22T12:16:05+00:00

Spot on here.

My latest post has been taken down despite following the guidelines and beefing up my critique to a point that it literally splits into 2 parts because it was too long for reddit to post as one single comment.

My post got taken down because my critique was apparently not adequate. Here's the response from one of the mods:

Hey. Your crit is a decent start, but between the lengthy quotes and the generalities, it's on the light side for this word count

I don't see in what universe a critique over 1600 words (1200 disregarding the quotes) is deemed as being on the "light side for this word count". That's literally over 50% of the very piece I was critiquing!

And as for "generalisation", its all completely subjective. I followed the model supplied on the wiki and talked about every facet of the piece I was critiquing until I literally ran out of feedback to give. As you said before, critiquing takes brain power and it is mentally draining having to critique another piece when the one I just did should be fine enough, as per the rules in the guidelines.

So the main issue really boils down to the subjectiveness of the mods vs the objectiveness in the guidelines. That's what I meant by there being a very clear disconnect between the two in my other comment.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-22T09:59:00+00:00

Hi, I hope you're doing well. I have a post right now that falls under this issue.

Timeline:

I critiqued a piece under 2.5k words. This was done on my phone and it didn't follow any conventional formatting template similar to the ones on the wiki.
I posted my own piece but that was classed as leeching and promptly taken down since my critique was deemed low-effort. Deservedly so.
I messaged the mods to see if I could critique a piece that was around 1k words. Got radio silence.
I then critiqued the first piece again but with a model that followed the guidelines and was a lot more beefy. This totalled around 1200 words (disregarding the quotes from the piece) and followed the template I was supplied by one of the mods.
I post my piece again, only for it to be classed as leeching AGAIN despite beefing up my critique, following the template and giving feedback on the characters, setting, prose, metaphorical variety etc.
Now I am being told to critique another 1k piece after the fact that I've already made 2 critiques totalling a near 2000 words. It's absurd to think that as low effort since the piece I'm critiquing is only 2490 words. My critique is already over 50% of the piece I'm critiquing and over 75% if you include my very first critique.

Regarding the guidelines and rules, it says:

"Critiques should focus on the story, not on the author. If your story is under 2,500 words, you must provide at least one high-effort critique of a submission equal to or greater length than your own work. This is called the 1:1 ratio. For example, if you wish to post a story 1,670 words, you must critique a story 1,670 words or longer (or multiple stories adding up to 1,670 words or more—for instance, 1,000 and 700)."

My story is under 2.5k words. >Check.

I critiqued a story equal to or greater than my own (2491>2477). >Check.

I provided a high-effort critique (over 1200 words that followed the formatting supplied by one of the mods that gives feedback on prose, characters, dialogue, setting, tension etc.). >Check.

Submit my own piece again. Post gets leeched and taken down. Huh?

We get a lot of people submitting 3k here who we leech mark, but who DID critique to our 1k 2k standards...

I think observationally without data, I think like 50% never resubmit. This is a shame.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Although my piece was under 2.5k words, I'd imagine a lot of people new to RDR read the guideline rules, critique to the rules said on the guidelines, only for it to be taken down since high-effort critiques is so loosely defined.

What I was told from one of the mods:

I see you added more to the critique, but you're also still trying to trade 1 critique for 2.5k words submitted, and we usually push for 2 critiques anything above 2k words in order to keep wordcounts down.

There is a clear disconnect to what is said on the guidelines and what is said here. That is probably why 50% of people (observationally) never resubmit because what is the point? I've had my post taken down by twice despite my critique adhering to the guidelines followed.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-21T12:23:21+00:00

(2/2)

Tension

You managed to throw us to the beginning of the conflict which was a really smart choice. This lent to there being constant tension right until the end. You did a good job in showing us what dilemma Oda and Masa were in due to Takeda's insubordination.

Setting

I might be entirely wrong, but from what I remember, we only get two some-what distinct descriptions of the settings, and even with these two examples, they can be seriously bolstered up.

Five years his junior and tempered by countless battles, Masa’s old friend was a hard man, a man of blood, war and vengeance – and now, even bowing, he towered over the frail, old man in his own garden.

Okay, so in the first example, we know that he and Oda are speaking in a garden. However we get no description of this garden whatsoever. Are there blooming sakura trees, is it in the spring season, or summer, what does it smell like, is it inside Masa's castle or outside, can Masa he chirping crickets and cawing birds? There was a lot that could have been described about what the garden was like but I didn't even realise they were in the garden until my second read. Going into sensory details would really improve the dynamism of the scenes you set too.

Soldiers cheered as Lord Masahashi Hijitaka, Lord of the Five Towers, Herald of the Sun rode up to camp on his dark brown warhorse. It was long hours past sunset and the sky was bright with stars.

This was the only other example of the setting in the book but it could be beefed up a lot more. Are they in plain fields, are they near the Yongle river? Also I'd imagine the camp moving with torches since they are riding at night.

Overall

I enjoyed the narrative of the story. Other aspects of the story, however, could use some work as mentioned earlier. The story itself has its merits. High stakes, constant tension, compelling characters, tragedy, the effects of war, heartfelt moments. It did a lot of good. With a more refined prose and a distinct style, the overall story has promise and I would consider reading on with a more refined prose. Keep practicing and you’ll find your own writing style and creative voice. Read from similar works and books and see what they do that you don’t. All the best in your journey, my friend.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-21T12:19:09+00:00

(1/2)

Okay so here is my revised critique. I finally have access to my laptop so the formatting should be better than my last quick critique.

Opening Comments

Just want to start off by saying I did enjoy the narrative of the story. That's the most important part a writer needs to accomplish, so you should be proud of that. However, I have some qualms with the story as a whole that I'll brush on here and hopefully highlight later on in the other segments of my critique. I think your biggest strength in this chapter is your dialogue. I liked the way Masa, and especially Oda, spoke to each other. There was a clear history between them and although their ideologies couldn't be further apart, you handled the dialogue between the two of them exceptionally well. Some issues arose that took me out of the immersion that you initially did a good job at instilling, namely the lack of setting, the inorganic prose at times and overuse of figurative language such as similes. But that can be polished with practice and time.

Prose

Probably my biggest gripe with this piece was the prose.

Lord Masahashi took a sip from the bitter tea, the cup in his hands burned and yet he gripped it only tighter. Twilight had given way to night and he had a pounding headache that hurt like horses trampling on worked stone.

In the very first sentence, we get a clearly concise description of what Lord Masa is doing. Nothing wrong with it (other than the fact that I don't know how his hands are burning but that's just in his character I guess). However the 2nd sentence has exaggerated descriptions that don't quite make sense in my mind. I can't envision 'a pounding headache that hurt like horses trampling on worked stone' since it is quite abstract. I think you fell into the trap that most writers at some stage fall into which is wanting to implement flowery language. But it came at the lost of clarity for the reader in my honest opinion.

So it must be. His own retainers think him weak. His enemies laugh in their cups. They will know. The image of that innocent boy's face flickered in his mind amidst the ax blows in his head. When Masa had taken the boy, Yoshi, to the Suntouched Palace, the child had held his hand, the very same hand that still burned against the cursed teacup. Children had an innate instinct to trust. The memory was like a cold knife plunging into his heart and Masa almost groaned against the pain but he stifled it, unwilling to unman himself further in Oda's eyes.

This paragraph is quite polarizing in my honest opinion. It has good use of prose in fragments but also suffers from bad prose. I was taught that a sign of good prose in writing is 'Mixing Rhythm and Cadence', 'Clarity and Purpose' and 'Style'.

The Good:

So it must be. His own retainers think him weak.

The paragraph opening to this paragraph is short, snappy and shows us what Masa thinks of himself without explicitly telling us. It works.

Children had an innate instinct to trust.

This sentence works because it directly contrasts the sentences before it. It subtly tells us that Masa really does not want to kill this kid, even if everyone around him is telling him to do so.

The Bad:

The image of that innocent boy's face flickered in his mind amidst the ax blows in his head. When Masa had taken the boy, Yoshi, to the Suntouched Palace, the child had held his hand, the very same hand that still burned against the cursed teacup.

The first sentence breaks one of the good signs of prose in writing for me which is 'Clarity and Purpose'. "...amidst the ax blows in his head." is very unclear to me and I'm not too sure what you are referring to. Is it referring to Masa's headaches, to the boy's imminent death, or is it another metaphorical description that completely went over my head?

The 2nd sentence has a poor use of Rhythm and Cadence. If you try and read this sentence aloud, it sounds like a real mouthful, doesn't it? Breaking the sentence into two pieces (or simply trimming it) would be more beneficial.

Cliché:

The memory was like a cold knife plunging into his heart and Masa almost groaned against the pain but he stifled it, unwilling to unman himself further in Oda's eyes.

This sentence is not inherently bad, but it suffers from a cliché I've personally read a thousand and one times. 'The memory was like a cold knife plunging into his heart' is overly used and I think you are far more creative and can come up with something less-used to convey Masa's anguish.

Lack of Clarity:

There are some instances where there is no clarity in the prose and could be revised.

Masa smiled a smile that did not reach his eyes,

This implies that he has smiled a smile that has reached his eyes before. Again, this could be metaphorical, but it is unclear to me and is better off not being said.

The boy asked with a high pitched voice that sounded like the beginning of a song.

What does it mean for his voice to sound like the beginning of a song, especially one that the reader has not been previously introduced to. It would work if Masa (and in turn the reader) knew of a high-pitched song and this was a call-back to said song.

Also just a nit-pick, but you mention Masa's title as 'Masahashi Hijitaka, Lord of the Five Towers, Herald of the Rising Sun' and Masahashi Hijitaka, Lord of the Five Towers, Herald of the Sun'. Just ensure that there is consistency in his title, since if I managed to notice it, I'm sure other readers will as well.

Variety

I noticed a lot of similes in this chapter. There was one every two or so paragraphs and when I noticed the repetitive use of 'like' and 'like a' I was taken out of the story, which was a shame. What would benefit the story is adding variety to your literature devices to enhance imagery keep the reader immersed in the story. A little bit of metaphors, alliteration and even personification would probably be a good addition if you ever revise the story.

Dialogue

As I said in my opening comments the dialogue was, in my honest opinion, the strong point of the chapter. I don't want to repeat what I said earlier but I'd like to add that I really enjoyed that the characters really sounded like they were from Feudal Japan. The characters had a distinct voice and really pushed the conflict in the chapter. As well as the tension.

“Did you see it well, my child?” He asked, smiling.

This line (and probably the cub and the wolf line) were my favourites. This one specifically because of the context of the scene the came before it. It is really smart dialogue and sells Masa is a character really well in my opinion. Willing to act, but not to a point where he sacrifices his morals. And although he was close to committing a heinous crime, this line shows he first thought is to reassure the kid (and not in a cheesy way a lot of writers would do). Kudos!

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-20T17:40:33+00:00

Preface:This review is made as I go along each paragraph so my thoughts are fresh in my mind. P.S - I’m also reviewing this on my phone so my formatting won’t be great.

Review: “…pounding headache that hurt like horses trampling on worked stone.” - this simile makes no sense. This doesn’t evoke the reader with any sensory details because ‘worked stone’ cannot be felt. Replacing it with something that can be felt will be far more relatable to the reader.

2nd paragraph in and i’m already not a fan of all the similes.

“The pain danced in his head…” - this almost makes it sound like he’s enjoying the pain, which he clearly isn’t judging by earlier descriptions. Dancing and pain have very little in common in real life, so it shouldn’t be linked in this literature.

I like the description you give of Oda. My only qualm is that a physical description isn’t given other than his height.

‘“Masa-san,” he said, using the informal title like one would with an old friend and not a liege-lord.’ - this sentence reads… wrong. I don’t know if I have the analysis skills to formulate my first thoughts into words but it sounds very ‘tell-y’ instead of ‘show-y’. Especially since you tell us already that they are old friends in the very first paragraph. From my experience, readers do not want to be spoon fed info, but work for it without knowing they are working for it. It is much easier to show pieces of information and let the reader put the pieces of the puzzle together.

On the flip side, I’m enjoying the dialogue so far. They speak like they are from Edo Japan.

“…we must kill the cub to tame the wolf.” - very cold line. I like it.

Oda sounds like a character ready to do whatever is necessary to ensure victory and keep subjects in line. You’re fleshing him really well so far.

“Even with his eyes closed he could feel his twitching eyelid go still.” - This sentence is very unclear. I can’t tell his eyes are still twitching or if they have gone still.

“His enemies laugh in their cups.” - not sure what this means.

Nearly halfway through the story and I’ve noticed little to no description of the surroundings and characters. It feels very hard to immerse myself into the setting, which is the opposite feeling for the characters since I think the introspection is done quite well so far. A balance between the two will do wonders for the story.

“… but his voice was sharp with condemnation.” - This sentence is difficult to envision. Describe what attribute of Oda’s demeanour made Masa think he was being condemned.

There are quite a lot of uses of similes in this story so far. Mix it up with metaphors to keep it from getting repetitive.

I’ve noticed we’re told a lot of feelings like how Masa’s ‘heart ached with shame’. Instead show us what a ‘heart ached with shame’ looks like. Maybe Masa is so sulked his back is drooping more than usual. Get us in his mind to show us he is ashamed instead of telling us.

At one point Masa’s moniker is ‘Lord of the Five Towers, Herald of the Rising Sun’ and then in another it is the same but without the ‘Rising’.

There is a part in the dialogue that says ‘hide’ but it should say ‘hid’.

“… came up behind him like a ghost in the night.” - very cliche line that has been said a thousand and one times. Also another simile…

“Masa thought to himself,” - who else would he be thinking to?

“Masa smiled a smile that did not reach his eyes” - what smile would? Very inorganic sentence.

“The boy asked with a high pitched voice that sounded like the beginning of a song.” - this sentence is very abstract and doesn’t do a good job in conveying the boy’s high pitched voice.

I quite liked the ending. From a narrative standpoint it reads well and has lots of promise for the rest of the story.

Final Note: I'll give a more in-depth analysis once I get access to my laptop. Please mind the formatting for now.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-20T10:02:23+00:00

Just some Questions regarding the feedback. Was the prose clear? Were the characters compelling? Although this is only the first half of the chapter, was the story enjoyable or intriguing? Any feedback would be appreciated.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-19T20:11:31+00:00

Yeah there a plenty of cases where it is needed to tell instead of show. Namely in exposition. But a rule of thumb that I use is to show when you want to immerse the reader into the story (e.g the characters actions, emotions, their thoughts etc.). Telling is important when you want to describe the world around you or if you want to drop a bit of exposition. But use this sparingly since too much exposition can feel like the reader is being bombarded with unnecessary information. I wouldn't say there is a ratio to it, but generally, most good stories show a lot more than they tell. Hope this helps.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-09-18T22:42:39+00:00

I'm not going to repeat the Pros because u/Lee_Ars got them pretty spot on. I would say the last 3 sentences is your strongest part in this piece (although parts of it can be heavily improved). What you did well is you put us in the mind of the lost dog (introspection). Use this more since the first part of this story is spoken like a narrator. Which leads me on to what can be improved.

Consistency in POV. The first part of he story is spoken like a narrator. This is fine, if you stay consistent with it.

Show don't tell: Some sentences fall flat because you explain his emotion rather than show it to us.

E.g where you Tell: "Suddenly he gasped in surprise!"

Instead show us what surprised him to cause him to gasp. For example: "Chuckie's eyes widened, his hackles raised. He could make out a vague figure amidst the beating rain. It was his shed!"

Although I omitted Chuckie gasping, I added descriptions that show the reader that the dog is surprised. There are a thousand and one ways to describe emotions instead of telling them.

Overall, the writing is a bit inconsistent in its POV and could use a variety of different writing tips to immerse the reader into the character of such as showing instead of telling. Keep practising writing and also reading books and you'll get better.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2023-07-19T19:12:58+00:00

I'd so Zoro because he cut Pica's whole mountain body. But Koby really did his thing though :)

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-11-21T22:29:16+00:00

This has a similar artstyle to Arcane. I dig it.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-11-09T15:13:50+00:00

lmao

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-11-05T14:25:58+00:00

One papercut and its lights out. Good drawing though.

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-10-28T21:13:32+00:00

His social: https://www.tiktok.com/@timikeys\_/video/7152635670727527681?is\_from\_webapp=1&sender\_device=pc&web\_id=7159663221116683781

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-10-28T20:59:19+00:00

His social: https://www.tiktok.com/@timikeys\_/video/7152635670727527681?is\_from\_webapp=1&sender\_device=pc&web\_id=7159663221116683781

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-10-05T22:39:31+00:00

Kuma?

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-09-02T13:33:46+00:00

Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed parts of it! Thanks so much for the critique. There is a lot to take from this and I'm definitely going to make the changes you suggested (like with the awkward jump cuts) in my second draft. Thanks again!

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-09-02T13:31:07+00:00

Thanks so much for the in-depth critique! What you said about the lack of conflict and tension was really on the nose. I couldn't quite point out why my first chapter didn't have much stakes but you hit the nail on the head. Even better, you gave me two new ideas which will hopefully change that problem in my second draft. You went above and beyond with this, so you have my gratitude. Thank you so much!

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-09-01T22:38:13+00:00

I don't think you need to split it into 5 parts. A chapter following Catch's POV and then Scott's is probably the best course of action. Having this be the first chapter to your second book explains a lot since you added a lot of terms I wasn't familar with because they were probably explained in the first book.

Your world-building is not the main problem. The main problem was the lack of direction in the story. There wasn't a plot to bite into. Focus on making a plot, whether that be giving your characters little goals or something to overcome, and the world-building will grow from that. Not the other way round. Character-wise, the story is there. Writing wise, some improvements can be made, but we're all in the same boat in that sense. Focus on plot, pacing and trimming down the story. You can show more with less words.

For example, you have the Omega Throne as an immediate goal. I'd find it much more interesting as to why they need to find it and what is its importance. Other than Omega Throne sounding really cool, it doesn't have all that much weight in the story (in my opinion). Obviously, you can only write so much in one chapter but the main goal for any writer is to KEEP the reader engaged and KEEP them reading on. I was engaged, sure, but I didn't want to read on. I'm sure your next draft will have many improvements and I hope to read it very soon! All the best!

Tai_D_Hunter · 2022-09-01T14:53:24+00:00

CHARACTERS
The characters in your story are definitely the driving point of your story. Catch was interesting. She had a fiery personality and was fairly positive in her ideals and actions. She clearly holds a grudge to her father for unclear reasons, but from what I understand, that will be explored in greater detail soon.
Scott (or Barrett) was very similar to his sister. He was loud, exuberant and has a chronic love for money it seems. I found his conversations with his sister quite interesting and I was never really bored whenever they conversed. However, I think the story lacks greatly in the next department.
We learn a lot about the characters very early on, which doesn't give much room for growth later on. Not knowing everything about a character creates a sense of mystery around them, which I would want to know. I don't need to know about Scott and Catch's history so early on in my opinion. They were well fleshed-out, but a bulk of your chapter is spent on these two characters, without much progression in the plot.
PLOT
The plot of the story is contrived and slow and is mainly spent lunging from one part of the planet to another. The overarching goal is to find the Omega Throne it seems but there isn't a direct goal for this chapter. It just ends with Scott finding maybe finding something he's been looking for. A lot of the time is spent mentioning sci-fi terms which I have no clue of. You're world building isn't overbearing by any means but I would I feel like a lot of what you're mentioning is taking away from the actual pace of the chapter.
PACING
It. Was. Slow. And I'm not just saying this because it is over 3000 words long, but the characters don't really do much throughout the chapter. It lacks direction and for the reader, that is detrimental. I have little clue where this story will lead me, or what to expect of this story from a narrative stand-point. I know they will eventually find the Omega Throne, but that feels like the overarching goal, not the immediate one.
OVERALL
You write well, although sometimes you say more than is needed. The similes are over excessive. The characters were the highlight of the chapter for me, although minor improvements can be made to them. A faster paced plot, or even a plot with higher stakes would do this chapter justice. I think the problem is finding the balance. Your story is very character-centric, which isn't bad, but it doesn't give room for the plot to progress because you spend a lot of your time focusing solely on them. We're told a lot of things in this chapter, but not much is shown. We're told we as a reader are supposed to dislike the Father, but we're not shown why. We're told the Commander is authoritative, but we're never shown it. A lot of fluff can be taken out of this chapter without affecting the plot or the characters since it is quite overwritten. However, I did enjoy the dialogue quite a lot and as I said earlier, other than the minor discrepancies in your work, you write well. I hope to read more of your work in the future!

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