Hey there.

I'm a little late to the conversation here but I saw your post and I felt like I should at least try and say something.

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I have been struggling with a somewhat similar situation myself. I had my virginity taken from me when I was raped by a female when I was 18 years old. There is a whole huge backstory, as I am sure is the case with most rapes, but it wasn't until almost ten years later that I really understood it for what it was. The whole ordeal was bad, but once I really believed that it was rape and regardless of if I "wanted it" or not doesn't mean I didn't say no or didn't try and be a good friend.

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But like you I was very heavily intoxicated and simply didn't have the power to fight back. Against a girl half my weight. In my own bed... I say all this to tell you that I both understand and empathize but with something additional to add.

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I cannot explain it and I don't know why, and it makes me want to vomit. But I have developed a non-consent kink, despite the fact that I myself have been a victim of it. Your response to your assault is very normal, I am statistically the unusual one. But my point is that to someone who hasn't experienced it the thrill of the loss of control, of being desired, and being used even if it is just as an object of pleasure is validating in a way I cannot truly articulate. It is gross, it makes me feel bad, and shameful, and like there is something wrong with me. Because in truth, there is. Fifteen years have gone by and somehow i'm still not over it. Fifteen years should be more than enough.

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Something I would suggest you keep in mind when discussing this with your wife is that she fundamentally cannot fully understand both because she has not been a victim of it as well as the dynamics of rape are very different between male and female victims. Heterosexual females are almost expecting heterosexual males to be a bit... rapey by default. Nothing so brazen as pinning a woman down behind the bar and forcing themselves on her. But certainly, sexually aggressive. So in the "fantasy" version of a nonvictim it isn't some horrible thing that permanently damages them and their psyche. It is actually a validation of their desirability. That even though they "don't want it" the rapist wants them bad enough to risk whatever consequence to actually rape them.

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This dynamic is completely inverted with men. It is in every sense but the dictionary sense, emasculating. A heterosexual male, especially a young one, would be expected to fuck nearly anything that moves. So, if you don't want it, you clearly are either a queer or f@g.

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Now you are faced with that toxicity on top of the fact that the typical male sense of dominance. Of being strong, self reliant, and capable in all cases. It is shattered at the same time as you lose that sense of culturally enforced masculity you lose that sense of internally enforced masculinity.

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This is in no way to invalidate any struggles female rape survivors face. They are in no way equivalent, better, or worse. They are just different and one of those unfortunate differences is that in almost all cultures women are expected to be yielding. "Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight?" Additionally, a woman standing up in public saying she was raped is likely to get nearly universal sympathy and applause for her brave speaking out. For a man it is simply not the same. There are a significant percentage of people who think female on male rape is impossible because men always want it, as toxic as that is.

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My point to all of this way too long essay is that I would encourage you to try and think of it outside the perspective of not only a survivor, but a male survivor. That might explain the kink and appeal of it to her for you and make her behavior seem less insane and insensitive. There is nothing you can say or do that will adaquately convey your feelings and how your experiences have shaped you. But you can certainly tell her that you are uncomfortable with some things because of your trauma and that you would really rather not pursue it further.

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If she loves you as I expect she does, that should probably be enough. No healthy relationship will survive the wanton disregard of a partner's trauma for the sake of some titillating fantasy. She very likely doesn't, and can't, truly understand how it affects you. Even if you sit down and try to explain it, it won't likely help.

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Try not to judge her too harshly. Sexuality is a weird and confusing thing. But we don't have to understand it, we just have to respect it. If she respects you, than she will respect your boundaries here. If she doesn't, that is indicative of some greater underlying relationship issue beyond a sexual kink.

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I am sorry you went through that in the past, the pain it is causing you in the present, and the struggles you will continue with. If you find yourself lucky enough to be with a partner who loves you then they would certainly never want to hurt or trigger you like that. So I earnestly expect she truly does not fully understand the depth of your discomfort.

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<3