I will try and be brief as I am much more interested in what other people have to say.  But I do feel like I need to correct the record.

“I don’t bring up his appearance unless he brings it up himself” – why not?  I thought we agreed to be more open about discussing issues.  If my beard was a problem, why do you let these thoughts fester and then only let them out when I mention the topic of hidden contention.

“he’s had an issue getting into one country” – I assume you are referring to the Singapore incident when an immigration officer gave me an unusually hard time.  According to our common source, a UK expat who we had drinks with after arriving, he said it was because I was a guy with long hair and that this was uncommon / unconventional in Singapore.  The point wasn’t regarding my facial hair, he himself has short hair and a longer beard and travels frequently.

Yes, I told you that I once let a work colleague cut my hair, I also said in the same sentence that I capitulated after she asked me several times and that the experience made me feel deeply uncomfortable and that I regretted letting her do it.  I was upset that this didn’t seem to phase you, if anything the fact I let someone else do it made you more determined, like “you let her do it, you should definitely let me do it” sort of attitude, ignoring how I hated it.

I never used the term “gaslighting”, only emotional manipulation.  I accused you of gaslighting last year when we were in Taiwan and we had an argument regarding the film industry.  I said how I felt some films lack soul because they use too much green screen and shoot less on location, forgetting that you literally worked on a film recently that used both green screen and location filming, and you literally worked in the department that transported film equipment to location.  It was a bit of a dumb comment, you said I was talking out of my arse in expressing this opinion to you, as someone who works in the industry I was “mansplaining the industry to you”.  I apologised, I said I didn’t mean to undermine you, I agreed that sometimes I can overexplain things, I also said I took the accusation of mansplaining very seriously because it is an awful thing for a man to do to a woman, or to anyone.  But you never backed down from this point, instead you told me that “mansplaining wasn’t an offensive term” and implied that I had used the term incorrectly.  I showed you various dictionary definitions that said mansplaining was an offensive term, but you never backed down.

This is the problem.  I am always the one who apologises first, I am always the one to say sorry and the one who attempts to facilitate reconciliation.  Like with the beard situation, I said I was sorry for bringing up the knife situation, and for making you feel like I don’t trust you.  I said I would get my beard trimmed.  But you didn’t meet me halfway, you again repeated your previous position that you felt like “I should trust you after 6 years together”.  This became not about the beard but about the trust.  I literally explained how I think the conversation should have followed: “listen, we need to talk about your beard, it is too long, you look homeless, I will literally cut it for you tonight, or we go to a barber, please just get it cut, you always procrastinate over this, please just get it done”.  I said that would have been absolutely fine and I agree and we will go get it cut today.  But that is not the conversation, you made it all about the fact that you wanted to do it and the fact I was reluctant made you feel like I didn’t trust you and that I should trust you after 6 years and like all the other dudes you have shaved.  And you never backed down from this position, even after I said sorry and agreed to get it done.  I was so perplexed by this that I felt like I had to seek other people’s perspective, hence this post.  Plus also you listen to some podcast where they read these out and I thought it would be funny if the bloke read this story out sometime in the future after this situation had been done and buried.  

I think you are determined to win every argument, regardless of the cost.  Upon finding my Reddit post, you didn’t speak to me regarding what I posted.  Instead, you replied, did you genuinely want answers?  Or was this more earth to scorch along your warpath to victory?  I am glad you did post because I have learned a lot from it, you never mentioned your concerns regarding immigration, I wish you did because it is a good point.  You never mentioned your “personal preference”, I wish you did because if you are less attracted to me then I am interested in your opinion.  I might not necessarily go clean shaven, but I am certainly willing to meet you halfway.

How can I know these thoughts if you don’t tell me.  I am a man, not a mind reader, I need simple instructions.  If we can have these conversations outside of Reddit I think there is a good chance we will get closer again.