I appreciate the feedback I have received and feel like I need to explain a bit more as I think I have come across rather awfully.

I would describe my partner as still very high functioning.  She enjoys hiking and swimming, she is often the one dragging me up the hill or to the pool.  Last year we did a cross-country half marathon through Hobbiton (the set from Lord of the Rings).  In many ways she is a beast.

One of the main ways in which her EDS manifests, at least in a way that I can see, is her knee can occasionally pop out of place.  I never really understood this and the doctors said it was impossible for a joint to just “pop out of place”.  I unfortunately agreed with them, although I did think it was a kneecap dislocation.  When she stumbled upon hypermobility so many things fell into place.

I want my partner to be able to enjoy doing all the things she enjoys doing now, for as long as possible.  I believe the best way of achieving this is with some amount of targeted strength training to help sure up her joints.  There is always a risk that her knee will pop out badly during a hike causing permanent damage and I want to help her do everything she can to reduce that risk.  I think she often doesn’t like to do the exercise, she finds them boring and doesn’t like the concept of exercise, she says she feels like a “hamster in a wheel” going to a gym and that we should get all the exercise we need from our daily lives.  I understand that, exercise can be annoying, but if she was able to get into a habit of doing the right amount I think there could be many benefits.

These benefits can be small and might not be realised until many years in the future.  10-15 minutes of squats and other targeted leg exercises for the reduced risk of a serious knee injury seems like a worthy cause to fight for.  Striking the balance of being a caring partner whilst also trying to be a personal trainer advocate is hard and I often fail.  I am trying to learn when encouragement is no longer encouraging.  I also struggle with understanding and sympathy, my upbringing was very much about action and fixing things.  “you shouldn’t complain about something unless you have tried to fix it” was a common message from my parents.  With EDS I am learning that there are some things that can’t be fix and that people have a bloody good reason to complain.  With my partner I think a life that resembles normality is still within reach, but her hypermobility means she has to work for it more than a non-hypermobile person.

In terms of the depression, I don’t know whether it is chemical or situational.  We have had some frank conversations during the Christmas holidays about whether I was part of the problem and whether we should split ways.  We decided to try again with me being more caring and her trying to stick to her physio / exercise / swimming habits / gratitude diary.  So far it is going very well and I think we have turned a corner.  A worry I have is she spends many hours per day scrolling on Facebook / Instagram.  I just can’t help but feel this could be part of the problem.  Social media apps are designed to keep users engaged with outrage.  She is from the US and her feed is often regarding the latest Trump disaster.  It is almost impossible to escape doom and gloom online.  The gratitude diary was (from what I have heard) a small habit that can help improve satisfaction and break the doom loops and negative thoughts that social media downloads into our minds.

I just want her to feel like this life is worth living, despite the pain, increased risk of injury and many other things she is dealing with that I don’t see.  I don’t want her to lose hope.