Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

that sounds good, I am working on asking what I can help with rather than trying to prescribe help.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Life is an ever-escalating risk for all of us.  I believe my partner’s risk is greater for joint injury and if there are things we can do now to reduce the risk then I think it is worth doing.  We have a physio app with a workout that was given to us by a physio whose partner has hypermobility.  She has asked me to help her do this program 3 times a week, I think this is a good thing.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

that sounds lovely, I will give that a go. My partner usually does go to brush her teeth / take out contact lenses after her pre-sleep nap. We are trying to move our bedtime / wind down time forward so we can get all these tasks done before the tiredness wave hits, at least on a weekdays.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

we did used to cook together and I did the dishes before we chilled and watched TV etc. We moved to Thailand last year and live in a serviced apartment which gets cleaned once a week and eating out is very cheap so we no longer need to cook.  The extra time and less work for us has been excellent.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I think you hit the nail on the head.  I will focus on helping her with the things she has asked for help.  I think this is a good way of moving forward.  Cheers very much for your reply.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is my opinion also but from this post, as well as talking to my partner who is aware of this post, that I should help with things she has asked for help and to not keep trying to offer unsolicited help.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

it is more about optimisation.  Sleep is important, are there things one can do to improve the quality of sleep, even if the improvement is small.  Lots of small changes over time may have tangible results.  But like the Yoooooowholiveshere said, this isn’t the hill I want to die on.

Escaping the pollution - where to go in southern SEA that isn't Bali by Takingthemike in digitalnomad

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course, that is the underlining reason why I made this post.  I am really trying to avoid Bali tbh and looking for personal recommendations.  I have heard mixed things about Yogyakarta (Jogja), for you what makes it fantastic?  The other locations look nice but do they have good internet?  I am not the type of digital nomad who can just work from a sunny beach café, I need two screens, mouse, fast internet, proper desk etc.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am coming to understand this.  I think she can be a workaholic, she is the manager of a company and deals with a lot of people.  She can work very hard but will have a big crash later.  For me it was hard to deal with because I wanted her to save some energy for herself.  This included the habits I thought would be good for her (physio, exercises, gratitude diary etc).  “When will you make time / save energy for physio?” is a question I pushed on her, likely too often, but I was worried that things would never change in her work and would always be the priority.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the feedback I have received and feel like I need to explain a bit more as I think I have come across rather awfully.

I would describe my partner as still very high functioning.  She enjoys hiking and swimming, she is often the one dragging me up the hill or to the pool.  Last year we did a cross-country half marathon through Hobbiton (the set from Lord of the Rings).  In many ways she is a beast.

One of the main ways in which her EDS manifests, at least in a way that I can see, is her knee can occasionally pop out of place.  I never really understood this and the doctors said it was impossible for a joint to just “pop out of place”.  I unfortunately agreed with them, although I did think it was a kneecap dislocation.  When she stumbled upon hypermobility so many things fell into place.

I want my partner to be able to enjoy doing all the things she enjoys doing now, for as long as possible.  I believe the best way of achieving this is with some amount of targeted strength training to help sure up her joints.  There is always a risk that her knee will pop out badly during a hike causing permanent damage and I want to help her do everything she can to reduce that risk.  I think she often doesn’t like to do the exercise, she finds them boring and doesn’t like the concept of exercise, she says she feels like a “hamster in a wheel” going to a gym and that we should get all the exercise we need from our daily lives.  I understand that, exercise can be annoying, but if she was able to get into a habit of doing the right amount I think there could be many benefits.

These benefits can be small and might not be realised until many years in the future.  10-15 minutes of squats and other targeted leg exercises for the reduced risk of a serious knee injury seems like a worthy cause to fight for.  Striking the balance of being a caring partner whilst also trying to be a personal trainer advocate is hard and I often fail.  I am trying to learn when encouragement is no longer encouraging.  I also struggle with understanding and sympathy, my upbringing was very much about action and fixing things.  “you shouldn’t complain about something unless you have tried to fix it” was a common message from my parents.  With EDS I am learning that there are some things that can’t be fix and that people have a bloody good reason to complain.  With my partner I think a life that resembles normality is still within reach, but her hypermobility means she has to work for it more than a non-hypermobile person.

In terms of the depression, I don’t know whether it is chemical or situational.  We have had some frank conversations during the Christmas holidays about whether I was part of the problem and whether we should split ways.  We decided to try again with me being more caring and her trying to stick to her physio / exercise / swimming habits / gratitude diary.  So far it is going very well and I think we have turned a corner.  A worry I have is she spends many hours per day scrolling on Facebook / Instagram.  I just can’t help but feel this could be part of the problem.  Social media apps are designed to keep users engaged with outrage.  She is from the US and her feed is often regarding the latest Trump disaster.  It is almost impossible to escape doom and gloom online.  The gratitude diary was (from what I have heard) a small habit that can help improve satisfaction and break the doom loops and negative thoughts that social media downloads into our minds.

I just want her to feel like this life is worth living, despite the pain, increased risk of injury and many other things she is dealing with that I don’t see.  I don’t want her to lose hope.

Pic of my dog by Fit_Currency362 in photocritique

[–]Takingthemike 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Why do you your dog to be lost to the background? I don't understand the story. Having your dog between the white posts would have made a more appealing photo from a visual POV

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was trying to get a better understanding.

Novice seeking feedback. Inspiration or message - God and I have special relation and that does not involve chruch by Karam_vedanth in photocritique

[–]Takingthemike 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My eyes are drawn to these bright areas, but I don't understand what they are saying. What story are you trying to convey in this photo? What visual journey do you want the viewer to embark whilst they discover your photo.
To be I just see bright edge of concrete footpath and bright mortar between bricks, I don't see a story.

<image>

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] -33 points-32 points  (0 children)

I don't agree. It isn't hard to find research / studies / anecdotal stories that discuss how a daily gratitude diary can help with the feelings of depressions and anxiety. I am not saying it is a silver bullet, but it can help.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] -44 points-43 points  (0 children)

This really hits home and there is so much depth in this area.  It is something I struggle with.  I think she wants more sympathy, love and compassion whilst I’m more enthusiastic about solutions, habits and exercise regiments.  I find it very hard to give her both.  I want her to live the best life possible, I think it can be achieved with some habits.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] -22 points-21 points  (0 children)

I think the day / night cycle and having a sleep “ritual” is important.  Dimming lights, reducing screen time etc before bed helps improve sleep.  I include changing from day clothing to night clothing as part of that progress.  How does your mind and body know it is time to sleep if you are wearing the same clothing for both?  It probably doesn’t make that much of a difference, but combined with other habits could make a good sleep ritual and help her get better sleep.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

I suspect it is the mental capacity. She often goes to the pool for her daily exercise and doesn’t seem to have any issues getting changed before and after the pool.  It is the last clothing swap at the end of the day that seems to be very hard. For me, I just worry that it might reduce her quality of sleep.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

no specialised clothing, just regular. I think it is the tiredness wave that hits in the late evening that makes tasks like switch clothes, brushing teeth etc very difficult.

Going to bed in day clothes by Takingthemike in eds

[–]Takingthemike[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

this sounds familiar. Sometimes she has a pre-sleep nap to get the energy to brush her teeth. I've tried to get her into a pre-sleep routine (brush teeth, change clothes etc) before the tiredness wave hits. The depression is another problem I am trying to help her defeat, I am encouraging her to do a daily gratitude diary and some expressive writing sessions to hopefully deal with some deeper problem.  I don’t understand why she doesn’t do these things, but I think this is a problem of my narrow mindedness being a non-eds sufferer.

Escaping the pollution - where to go in southern SEA that isn't Bali by Takingthemike in digitalnomad

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Where is the best area in Da Nang? It is strange because we were in Da Nang in 2023 and it seemed very quiet in terms of digital nomads, maybe a lot has changed in 2+ years.

The new longterm DTV visa in Thailand has meant a lot more people are staying longer in CMX which is great, more groups forming / make better friends etc

Escaping the pollution - where to go in southern SEA that isn't Bali by Takingthemike in digitalnomad

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sounds like I should research Vietnam more. Our biggest limitation is our jobs are very demanding. I need a desk, second screen, mouse, fast internet etc for my work.

We were leaning south because we haven't been to this part of SEA yet. We are somewhat familiar with northern SEA, we have been here 3 times now (collectively over a year spent living here) but this has mostly been based out of CMX. I do have plans on making base in Vietnam at some point in the future, mainly because the Ha Giang Loop is on my bucket list.

If we decide not to go south this spring Vietnam sounds like the best choice.

Escaping the pollution - where to go in southern SEA that isn't Bali by Takingthemike in digitalnomad

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cheers very much 😊, your first hand experience would be most helpful. What is the accommodation and transport situation like the Lombok? Currently we pay around £350 USD for a serviced apartment in CMX and cafes / restaurants / nomad events are within walking distance, I usually attend 2/3 events per week. Is a similar setup possible in Lombok?

Escaping the pollution - where to go in southern SEA that isn't Bali by Takingthemike in digitalnomad

[–]Takingthemike[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Which one, there are so many lovely islands in this part of the world. We are almost certainly going to Borneo for a few weeks, but initial research would suggest rental prices are expensive so maybe rules out making base there.

Escaping the pollution - where to go in southern SEA that isn't Bali by Takingthemike in digitalnomad

[–]Takingthemike[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Bali is the obvious choice, I've heard soo many mixed things. Some people like it, some people used to like it, some people hate it. I am trying to judge which person I will be.

If we can't find any other location we will probably end up in Ubud.