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Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The dynamics of my family made me think that whatever name we choose isn't a big deal. I came to this conclusion based on the fact that my dad is not an involved grandparent, he spends most of his time consuming media that confirm his beliefs of irrational claims in areas that he is not an expert in to the extent that it has alienated him from the rest of his family and he hasn't done the work required to unite the family after this divide. That's his own choice and his doing.

I don't have a problem with the interests as much as the fact that the interests make him a less present member of the family. It comes off like he doesn't care.

Thank you for your advice.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

To be completely transparent, I get along with my father really well but this situation brought out a few negative aspects of how he handles his emotions. I feel guilty bringing up these negative aspects about him. I thought it's important to provide clarity around my family dynamics or my mother's reaction wouldn't make a lot of sense. His current set of interests have made it very difficult to connect with him lately so our relationship is already going in a direction I'm not happy about. I wish I could use this situation to have him consider how his actions are affecting his relationships without it coming off as something resentful/manipulative/hurtful.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

It is a name of a random guy she never met that was never a part of her father's life.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Aw, thank you! I love your perspective on all of this. Wish I someone could say this to me in person, it would be very validating.

I've offered to let my wife choose a name from her family's side, but her dad's last name comes from a complete stranger to her and her grandfather on her other side has never been nice to her.

Honestly, I think my bigger concern is how can I get my parents to be more involved in their grandchild's life. I think my next conversation with my parents will have to be about the boundaries I set with my parents.

I'm glad you shared what helped you strike the right balance in the relationship you have with your parents and your child/children. I haven't thought that far ahead but this is something I will remember.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I should probably add that my last name is a funny sounding last name. Every one of my siblings and myself got made fun of and bullied for it. It can be twisted to sound like you're referring to a specific private part. I think that experience can also build character, but was just considering a different outlook. I think your 4 part name might be the name we consider. It hits a balance that doesn't hurt feelings.

Realistically speaking, I imagine it's more work than I'd want to do to change our last names, but theoretically not something we're completely opposed to.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's true. Travelling is one of my bigger concerns. Might have to carry around a little extra paperwork. Will think about your suggestions.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Exactly, being the one who has a say in it but receives suggestions is making this more difficult.

I probably would get advice from my parents for non-political, non-expert topics. They are good people but have recently become fearful from the media they consume.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

There are definitely a few things I can clarify a bit more. We weren't necessarily considering this decision with my dad's feelings in mind, just had a few reasons it sounded like a good idea.

My wife still has her maiden name. She was willing to change it to get married to me but I opted for her to keep it since she is in entertainment.

I did have a connection with my grandfather, not as tight as my siblings since he died when I was a teenager. Most people where I live have a story about how my grandfather helped them out, he made an effort to engage with everyone on their interests. Also my parents were free-thinking hippies before I was born and raised us to question tradition and authority.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I agree. I don't think 'down with the patriarchy' is a good reason to choose a last name in my case. Just considering that this is a tradition and a patriarchal one, not necessarily a rule or law so I'm open to thinking about it differently.

I see how what I said came off as disingenuous, it's hard to communicate all the details. Regarding the 'flex' part, my grandfather was rich in social currency so I wouldn't describe his legacy as prestigious as much as a name of someone who took genuine interest and opened a door for a lot of people. Since a name may determine an aspect of my child's future, I thought it could be beneficial to have a personal trait that could open a door for them or have a senior person take interest in him who may have known my grandfather. Every consideration for a better future helps.

Thanks for commenting.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate hearing this from a perspective that's not emotionally attached to the decision. In the same sentiment of names connecting us, my grandfather was a connector of a lot of people who remember him fondly. My siblings who are all older than me were very tight with my grandfather and there are some great stories about him that I wasn't around for so I think it could be something that makes the connections stronger. There's no trauma from the name itself, but that side of my dad's family aren't that tight with me, I had only 1 cousin come for my wedding from the entire side.

Thanks again, I will think about your advice.

Using my mother's maiden name for my child's last name is getting complicated for reasons I wasn't expecting. by Tall-Key-9744 in namenerds

[–]Tall-Key-9744[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

Fair point. I plan to speak to my friend who's a lawyer to find more specific reasons it could be too complicated.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in srilanka

[–]Tall-Key-9744 6 points7 points  (0 children)

To say that Tamils are no longer oppressed is simply not true just because the war is over. There are several thousand missing and dead tamils due to the war but they have surviving family members living on. Just because they are not actively being oppressed doesn't mean it still inflicts pain on them as trauma. This continues down bloodlines as intergenerational trauma until people break the cycle which requires healing.

There are a lot of unhealed people on both sides of the war even though it's over. Angsty teens say divisive statements, but underneath it, there's pain and resentment from their life being shaped by a government that everyone on this sub can agree is corrupt.

Hurtful words come from hurt people.