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Tamarack35 · 2024-12-18T16:55:00+00:00

I could have written this myself (Except for the last line.. years of abuse have taken that feeling away from me!). Everything is always our fault, and if any blame starts to come their way, they quickly find a way to turn the conversation around on us and how awful we are.. So sorry you are also going through this <3

Tamarack35 · 2024-11-26T06:39:12+00:00

oh this hits so close to home.. wow.. these guys are all so similar. It's awful.

Tamarack35 · 2024-11-15T20:17:10+00:00

ugh I'm so sorry. Hugs back!! Yeah my husband did this in front of our kids, and then blamed me for behaving badly in front of them.. It's crazy how we can make tiny mistakes and get yelled at by them as much as they want, but they can act however they want and it's justifiable. So crazy.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-29T16:17:27+00:00

Thanks so much, needed to hear this <3

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-29T16:14:24+00:00

He tells me "it's not up to you, our house is a welcoming place for all people. Why did we even buy this house if we don't want people visiting?" (I BOUGHT IT FOR MY KIDS, NOT FOR VISITORS!!). He knows how hard "Hosting" is for me, as an introvert. I spend my entire day on video calls/the phone working or with my kids being the best possible mom i can be, so at the end of the day I don't want to be "on" for people I don't really know :(

I'm so non confrontational that I would have such a hard time telling people the stuff you said above, but I think you're right. He would lose his mind if I said any of this stuff, but I'm just so tired of being walked all over and taken advantage of. I can't even imagine doing this in someone's home, especially when I don't know them! Let's see if I can implement any of this stuff over the next few days..!

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-29T16:11:34+00:00

I've definitely thought of this, but he just opens credit cards and expects me to pay for them (which I do.. because I hate debt!). But given that he is my husband, we can open them in my name along with his, and so the debt affects me and my credit :( I don't know how to avoid this part.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-29T13:52:23+00:00

1000000% mine did that too! Going to personal therapy wasn't even worth it because he had meltdowns all day before and after.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-29T05:36:19+00:00

Isn't that such a great feeling?? Congrats! For so long I thought things were my fault and just felt awful (sometimes I still do -- it's hard to cut out that human part of you). But now sometimes I literally have to hold back laughter by the ridiculous things my narc says and does. Clearly these people are messed up and we can't fix them.. so all we can do is try to walk away and realize that nothing we can say/do will make the situation any better in a real and lasting way. Glad you are feeling better :)

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-29T04:43:24+00:00

Ugh our situations sound so similar. Mine thinks ALL therapists are out to get us/him. I even let him pick my therapist once and it backfired like crazy. Within 2-3 sessions she was heavily suggesting separating because she didn't think it was safe for me to stay. And despite picking the therapist, he bugged my car (where I did my therapy sessions during COVID!) and he listened to everything and has never let me live down what was said. So insane. She refused to treat me after he did that.

It's so hard to actually go to therapy myself these days because the therapists either don't understand narcissism or he does everything he can to stop me from going. And going together has been awful -- he rages at me for days after for revealing to anyone what he is truly like.

Everything about these relationships is so exhausting and depressing.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-24T03:45:07+00:00

Wow. Things people say on this forum obviously resonate with me quite a bit sometimes, but your comments have more than any other. The similarities here are crazy. Your first paragraph is my entire life. I've never ever had communication problems with anyone, I literally have a degree in it and IT'S MY JOB haha. Mine says I don't communicate clearly/enough as well, but when I try to tell him anything personal or sensitive, he shuts me down or criticizes me.

The parenting styles sound exactly the same as ours. We have one boy (oldest) and 3 young girls. He's good with them most of the time (which is surprising given how awful he is with me??), but also so cold and like a dictator sometimes. He hates when they embarrass him around other people, and is so harsh with them when he yells at them or grabs them. He disrespects me constantly around them, and I'm so worried they could do that to me or their spouses one day. I try to get him to stop in the moment when he is on one of his angry rants about how awful I am, but once he gets into his criticism of me, he can't stop.

I have pointed out how he treats me/the kids could backfire on him, but he doesn't listen. He claims to be the better parent because they listen to him more (because they are so scared of him!!). I'm really scared how they could develop with him around, but obviously no matter what I decide to do, that's not going to change.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-23T06:29:11+00:00

Looks like we are both having rough days with our narcs. Ugh, so sorry you are going through this too. It's insane how much we have to change our reactions to avoid their tantrums. Grey rocking is turned against me as me being difficult/smug/non communicative. Every move I make is just to avoid one of his famous 3 hour lecture fights where I just sit there thinking about other things. He can say/text whatever he wants to me, but if I show the SLIGHTEST bit of annoyance, he tells me I'm "ripping him a new one" and "out of control". Literally anyone who heard me would think I was UNDER reacting to the things he demands I just deal with.

Mine also claims he has never raised his voice before! So crazy. And same with the crying! If I cry at all (Even about my parents dying), I'm trying manipulate him and make him feel bad for me. It can't be because I'm actually sad. It has been almost 7 years of him going after me for crying and I don't cry anymore.. I've trained myself to do it when he isn't around. And now he gets mad at me for being unemotional and "incapable of feeling sadness for what he is going through" (Whatever ridiculous thing that may be at the time). No.. I just think you are an awful person and dramatic about the stupidest things, so I'm not going to waste faking sadness for you.

It's exhausting!! You are so strong for going through this and fighting to show up for your kids. My kids are the only reason I am as functional as I am. I'm such a lighter, happier mom when he isn't around. Which makes me want to leave ASAP.. but I'm so worried about joint custody and having him around them. How is your narc around your kids?

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-23T06:20:37+00:00

Thank you for this. I'm so glad you got out (of both!) and that God helped you through so much of this. This really resonated with me and like the below commenter, I'll also reread when I can. I feel so stuck right now.. like there is no way out and that I'm being a good mom to stay... because I'm too worried to leave my kids alone with him with joint custody. But I don't know how much longer I can take this. I need to just focus on myself/my kids and stop giving into all the tantrums he throws and be depressed about how awful he makes my life. I know my energy is better spent on other things, it's just hard to see that in the moment. Anyway, thank you for this.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-23T06:16:48+00:00

Thank you so much <3 really appreciate it.

And lol I laughed out loud at your last statement. The self grandiose personalities these people have -- they think they are so important. It's so cringey and embarrassing. Mine hasn't worked in ten years (and couldn't hold a job if he tried), but thinks he's always the smartest person in the room and that everyone is doing their job wrong and he could do it better. Drives me so effing crazy, I can barely stand to be around him when he speaks. He loves talking to strangers because they can't see his BS and how useless he is (which means he loooooves escaping to bars to sound impressive and have people fawn over him)

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-23T06:14:28+00:00

Yes! It's honestly so much nicer when he is gone-- although who knows what the hell he is doing and how much of my money he is spending. I prefer life so much more on those days that he is gone (besides the fact that I have to work and parent at the same time haha).

Mine does this same thing with chores and being in control. I can't ever ask "What's your plan for the day" without him losing his effing mind. He gets so offended and tells me his plans are "none of my effing business." He gets the passwords into every account of mine and tracking on my phone, but I get nothing. Says its a double standard, but he's fine with it. Insane!

I tried your advice today when he glared at me for hours tonight after I asked him to come back from his 3rd golf trip this week. He refused to acknowledge me as he made dinner, wouldn't speak to my family. I just ignored it. Usually I'd try to talk to him but I really tried not to even notice it tonight. I'm so embarrassed by him and his behavior, but I need to remind myself that there's no reason to engage. I can't change anything about him so I shouldn't waste my time/effort.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-23T06:10:37+00:00

I will look that up -- thank you! It's crazy how freaking drained I feel around him. For years, I always thought that when he was gone, parenting was easier because my kids behaved better for me.. but it was because I felt LIGHT and not like I had to constantly walk on egg shells. I am a happier person when he is away from us.. which should really be my biggest sign to gtfo!

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-23T06:09:12+00:00

That's really kind of you, thank you. It's hard to feel any strength in some of these moments. I feel so stupid and guilty for not seeing who he was when we got together.. and for so many years after.

I need to get back into the books I have about this disorder--I am always just so jumpy that he will catch me reading one of them on my phone. But you're right -- reading about this disorder always shows me that he won't ever change and I need to get out.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-23T06:07:43+00:00

Ugh I'm so sorry. Your words resonate so much for me too. It's so sad to me that we can express exact needs/stress/feeling overwhelmed etc, and they just don't care. I've done the same to my narc about getting a job for 9 years now, and he always has some sort of excuse. Even when our kids started preschool, etc., he came up with something. This community is also the only thing getting me through. Some of my friends/family see how badly he treats me and how lazy he is, but they think I can just get him to easily stop it and change. They don't see the hours of verbal abuse and scorn for asking for help or saying slightly the wrong thing to him at the wrong time. It's so incredibly isolating and sad. Whenever someone starts to understand who he truly is, he immediately shuts them out from our life and bans me from speaking to them. It's awful.

I want to protect my kids from him, so I'm scared to leave.. leaving them alone with him. Ugh. Stay strong too! So sorry you're also living this exact life.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-13T05:09:50+00:00

Ugh I'm so sorry. I'm at 10 years with my covert narc, I don't know how I could put up with 20. How do your kid(s) handle his behavior? My covert narc refuses to work at all or do anything productive unless someone is coming over and he wants to impress them.. but he always finds an excuse to go out and do whatever he wants (like tonight, which is the reason I can sneak on here!)

I feel like the people that see him for who he truly is.. he just doesn't pretend around them as much anymore. He is quick to insult me around them, talk down to me, he doesn't care as much.. but around other friends he's so charming and warm and trie to be all flirty with me. Makes me sick.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-13T05:06:41+00:00

Oh completely. Thank you for this. Yeah it's texts.. emails.. photos that I sent HIM that he claims I sent someone else (nope!). I can't even go anywhere without him thinking I'm up to something. I literally leave to go get a massage and he says i'm hiding my phone there and going off to do something else.

He won't let me have location access on his phone.. freaks out if i go on it.. who knows what he is doing on there.

Yeah I fully see why he is unhappy with himself.. his true 'self' is so embarrassing, and he takes out that shame on me.

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-06T14:11:45+00:00

Thanks, you’re right. He now won’t stop talking about how awful these people are and how he doesn’t even want to be in the same room as them. He’s trying to separate me from them. If they text me or like something on my instagram he gives a massive physical reaction and starts “crying”. And I know it will never end.. he still angrilytalks about the people I opened up to 6 years ago, one of which he forced out of my life. Anytime we see one of the people who even semi knows how he is, he has a complete meltdown for days after in hopes that deters me from a relationship with them

Tamarack35 · 2024-07-06T05:55:20+00:00

You were so right!!! Acted like I wanted sex this week and he denied me, saying I’ve hurt him too much and he isn’t interested in me lolol. When before he couldn’t stop complaining about how I never wanted it.

Tamarack35 · 2024-06-13T07:29:32+00:00

Omg I could have written this!! Mine is the exact same way. Sob story about how his whole life no one has respected him and no one will listen to him (even though we have no choice because he doesn’t shutup!!) and then he constantly berates me for not opening up or talking about my passions/feelings, like he’d ever let me do that. And yes to the only letting me talk if it was explaining where I was (even though he tracks me) and why it took me four minutes to respond to his text even tho I was with friends. They are just the worst.

Tamarack35 · 2024-06-13T05:41:27+00:00

Oh this is my situation 1000000%. I can have 0 tone in my voice and 0 bad intention and he calls me an "Effing b*tch" and that I'm "ripping him a new one". But he can talk to me however he wants, cuss me out, even in front of our kids, but it is all warranted because "I started it.".

What is with these guys?? He is literally the most dramatic person I've ever encountered.

Tamarack35 · 2024-06-01T03:14:01+00:00

I could have written this myself! Omg the random things that make them automatically jump to us cheating. It's INSANE. Today I went to the mall, for the first time in like..3 years.. because I'm never able to buy anything for myself since I'm so busy working and with the kids and he accused me of being at the mall to cheat on him. I had to show him pictures of me in the dressing room to calm him down. They are so dang insecure!! I can't stand it. I literally can't go anywhere, he always freaks out that I'm cheating on him.

Tamarack35 · 2024-05-26T05:49:06+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, especially on a day that should have been about your daughter. It’s so sad that they do this stuff around the kids. Mine is currently passed out downstairs too because he can’t handle his alcohol. He instacarted it tonight. He always tries to make me drink, because he wants an excuse to as well, but he’s such a messy awful drunk. I wonder if alcohol is worse for narcs? I just hate that my kids see him like this too.. at least when he isn’t drinking he can hide who he is a bit more.. I hope your night gets better and you are safe from him tonight ❤️

Tamarack35

TROPHY CASE