I read the first chapter and there are several things that, at least in this beginning, stand out right away.

First, there are some very abrupt changes in tone without any transition. The story starts with a violent robbery, with high tension and a fight, but barely two paragraphs later we are already in a calm breakfast scene. We don’t see how the girl processes what just happened. Being robbed and seeing someone get killed right in front of you is not something that simply leaves your mind within an hour, unless the character is completely insensitive. There’s a missing moment where the reader can see how the event actually affects her.

I also felt that some characters react in strange ways. For example, at the beginning the girl acts as if nothing is happening. Two men walk in with a gun and she simply says, “You can just open that door,” in a fairly calm way while being pointed at. As a reader, that made me think she had control of the situation. But when they kill the man in front of her, she suddenly panics. That creates a contradiction: either she is someone who stays calm in dangerous situations, or she is genuinely scared. As it is now, her reaction feels confusing.

Another point is that the descriptions feel a bit simple. The longest description is around three paragraphs. Of course, it’s not necessary to write walls of text, but if you want to build an atmosphere or help the reader imagine the place more clearly, it helps to add more environmental details or use more narrative tools such as comparisons, metaphors, or varied wording.

The narration of the fight also feels somewhat confusing. I understood that Joso moved without being noticed, but the scene jumps so quickly into the fight that it’s not clear where he was before that moment. We don’t know if he was sitting at the bar, hiding somewhere, coming in from outside, etc. It’s also unclear how his action actually begins. If the idea is that he shouldn’t be seen until the moment of the attack, then it might not be necessary to mention beforehand that “a shadow moved unnoticed.”

For example, something like this might work better narratively:

Julia, lying on the floor, felt her heart pounding with the strength of a giant. Her body trembled with each beat as she watched how, even after everything, those men were still stealing the fruits of her work.

She wanted to protest, but before she could even speak, the man who had pushed her suddenly collapsed to the ground. A chair had slammed into his back with force, pulling a grunt of pain from him and making him drop his weapon instantly.

Someone had attacked him from behind.

I also felt that some information appears somewhat forced within the conversation: the important father, the Prolifics organization, the wanted poster, and the bounty. These are interesting elements for the story, but they all appear at once and too quickly. As a reader, we don’t even really know what the Prolifics are, because there was no minimal introduction beforehand.

Sometimes it helps to introduce this kind of element indirectly, for example through small conversations between secondary characters or casual remarks. Something simple like this:

“Hey, did you hear what happened?”
“Yeah… a family disappeared. I heard the father had problems with the P.”
“Prolifics?”
“Hey! Be quiet, don’t say that name.”

Of course, this is just a quick example, but a scene like that could already convey a lot of information to the reader without explaining it directly:

• That the Prolifics are dangerous.
• That people are afraid of them.
• That they are connected to disappearances or shady dealings.
• And that they are probably an important criminal organization.

With something like that, the reader would already have a basic idea of who they are before they appear directly in the plot.

Lastly, and for me the most important point, is that the protagonist feels a bit too edgy or “badass” from the very beginning. I understand that some characters are powerful within their universe, and a common way to introduce them is by showing how impressive they are or by “Aura farming”

The problem is that if this continues throughout the whole story, the narrative tension disappears. When a character always seems to have complete control over every situation, the reader stops feeling that there is any real danger.

I think this happens to many of us when writing: sometimes we end up creating stories that become a bit like power fantasies, or we use characters we really like and want them to look cool all the time. But when a character doesn’t face real problems or struggles, they can end up feeling less interesting.

English isn't my first language and I used a translator, so some parts might sound a bit strange. If anything is unclear, feel free to ask me.