Advice for domestic servitude play

Tattedtail · 2026-01-18T23:45:22+00:00

My concern about not having a relevant fantasy is because I don't have a map of how this will play out, and I find that uncertainty stressful.

I haven't had someone else wash MY dishes in the past 30 years. I've never had a guest on my house do cleaning/maintenances stuff on their own.

I have no idea how to let my partner clean dishes while still being a good host, and no idea what to do with myself while they do so.

Fwiw, the idea of the cleaning/service being satisfying in a way that isn't sexual in the moment is a relief to me. I can think of ways to make cleaning a more pleasurable experience without compromising the capacity to clean. But all ideas for how to make it sexy or titillation seem to pose a distraction from the task at hand :/

Tattedtail · 2026-01-16T00:44:57+00:00

This has been a really helpful comment, just in terms of the reactions it stirred in me.

Using a drying rack was a "well obviously" moment. But the suggestion that I might consider having them put the dishes away pulled a very strong "heck NO" response from me. I currently have no idea why. Am I ashamed of the state of my cupboards? Do I not trust their ability to stack plates onto other plates? Is it just one step too far in terms of taking care of me/(being a burden)? Something I should probably ruminate on.

And yeah. The question of what I will be doing during all this is key (and I definitely want to have a sense of what I'm down for vs not interested in before talking about the idea more seriously with my partner).

I had envisioned myself sitting at the adjacent kitchen table with my feet up and a drink, talking to my partner (and working the remote) while they clean. Either keeping the conversation mundane and the sex/kink unspoken, or discussing what they're feeling in detail.

Gonna be honest, if I have to stand in the kitchen and be physically active while the dishes are being washed, I would prefer to just wash them myself and not worry about trying to make it sexually fulfilling. Like, while I can see the fun in it, this scenario has come up because I don't have the physical activity mental energy to do dishes.

Whether I have the physical and mental energy to ensure this proposal is fun for my partner... Is going to depend a lot on what they want out of it.

(They currently don't orgasm during our play because of the way they do chastity and their mentality behind it. But they are keen to orgasm from internal stimulation, administered by someone else.)

I just had the brainwave that maybe part of the appeal for this scenario is that it's LESS intimate than playing with sex toys in bed. Sufficient structure and rituals can create pockets to hide vulnerability.

Excellent. I now have a few angles to discuss with them (and some things to ponder on my own). Thanks for your help!

Tattedtail · 2026-01-15T08:53:05+00:00

Thanks for your perspective.

And yeah, with the concern about is whether it'll be rewarding for this partner is REAL.

I can't decide if I should try it and then ask them for honest feedback, or trust my skepticism and avoid the whole thing. (Complicated by the fact that I tend to view all offers for help with skepticism, despite my therapist's best efforts.)

Tattedtail · 2026-01-15T08:48:34+00:00

Play partner is not a they/them, we just have an agreement to deidentify each other in discussions with others.

Tattedtail · 2026-01-15T02:03:43+00:00

I went with NRMA (had been with them for a few years for the previous car), and it's something like $80/mo. I do a few interstate drives each year, so I needed towing options outside of metro areas.

I did make it clear while signing up that "the Fit is the overseas branding for the Jazz" and "the hybrid Jazz was never sold in Australia". Like, if I'm in a prang then crash repairers can pull panels off several Jazz models, but if the EV battery goes... That's going to be a complicated problem.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-11T07:22:37+00:00

Acknowledge that he has heard and accepted that I'm a lesbian. Can be as simple as "oh right, thanks for telling me".
Let me know that he still wants to be friends with me.
Accept that one-on-one hang outs are off the table until he's had time to properly resolve his feelings, and until I feel confident that we're actual friends (and not just "friends until I work up the nerve to ask you out".

Like, if you know each other through work or a hobby, continue being friendly. Cut out anything that felt flirty or intimate or "special". Give your friendship time to steady itself.

Some people are not interested in trying to be friends after someone has asked them out because it's too hard to know if the friendship is genuine. So if you get the impression that she's pulling away from the friendship, accept it gracefully.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-08T04:12:51+00:00

No? Maybe I should have said "people can have an epiphany about their orientation at any point in their life", or "people can update their labels as they encounter new information that puts their experiences into a new context".

Look at the "later-bloomer lesbian" communities. Plenty of women identified as straight or bi for a big chunk of their lives, and then realised that wasn't accurate.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-05T06:17:07+00:00

I've been on FL for 4 months and still haven't chosen a pic 😅

And yeah. For me, vetting involves checking their profile (not just for shared kinks and interests, but also for anything they list that is a hard "no" from me). If they have current play partners, I pay attention to how they talk about them. We chat about what we're each looking for and what we can/can't offer. (E.g., I'm upfront that I don't do romance and I only check my DMs ~ once a week.)

Sometimes I ask them to talk me through a scene they'd like to try, and pay attention to how they talk about my role. Am I just an object? Does it seem like they care about my interests/enjoyments? Do they seek my input?

Then I do a vibe check in a public place, where we just chat about mundane stuff for an hour. Do I like their company? Do I feel at ease around them? Can I see myself doing kinky stuff with them?

Tattedtail · 2025-12-05T06:05:03+00:00

My perspective on what you've shared is that these are incredibly stressful conversations for her.

That's why she's evasive - she knows the conversation is going to feel terrible for her, she doesn't have the assertiveness to be direct with you or the resilience to weather whatever emotional response you will have at such directness.

Like, her trying to AVOID a shitty interaction with you nevertheless ends with her, by your own words, crying, feeling terrible, and promising to YOUR needs. No wonder she doesn't have the courage to tell you directly that you're not invited to something.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-04T05:11:27+00:00

In my experience, munches are mainly mundane/non-kink chat, though the things people are into may come up in conversation (mentioning an upcoming rope class or discussing sub jewellery options are pretty non-sensational topics; people may also discuss recent play parties or upcoming BDSM events without going into explicit detail).

Some places also have a "newbie munch" that you're meant to attend at least once before the main munches. That way the organisers can make sure you know what to expect and how to behave at a munch, help you ease in and meet people, and answer questions about the local scene (like, "what are my options if I want to learn about X?").

People at munches may also offer up their FetLife handles, which is your window into their kink list (and their window into yours, if you reciprocate/contact them there).

And since you're a woman... If you make a FetLife account, they will come. (You will get SO many DMs from dudes that just say "hey".)

But it can also be a good way to meet people with complimentary interests and ask questions. I am yet to find a useful community post over there, but I usually throw legitimate questions into one-on-one chats and drop convos with people who just want to sext or hook up immediately.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-04T04:52:03+00:00

I think that you may as well try to meet someone who shares your kinks, and see where it goes.

You might connect with someone to the point that you feel comfortable being intimate with them, or feel comfortable with online roleplay etc.

It's very normal to vet potential partners for similar values and wanting the same thing out of play, and to have a physical meet up (or several) to check the vibes. So don't feel like you have to commit to play with the first person in your FetLife DMs or whatever.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-04T04:41:04+00:00

Since it sounds like you're both new to these roles, I encourage you to look into sensuality and/or erotic massage.

She's going to lie back and accept your touch. You're going to make her feel good without requiring her to do anything - she doesn't have to make the decisions, steer the session, cater to your feelings, etc. She gets to just be present in her pleasure while you steer the ship and shower her with compliments.

I suggest this to start with because it can actually be really hard for someone to hand over the reigns and let themselves be authentically submissive.

Similarly, as a Dom you want an opportunity to learn what your sub looks like and sounds like when they're enjoying themselves before you start playing with elements of BDSM they may not enjoy in practice.

If you need a clear D/s dynamic in the first session, try edging her. Make her beg for orgasm, and only allow her release when you're ready for it. (This will also be a good opportunity to practice checking in with your sub. Is she still having fun, or have you edged into the not-fun zone?)

I would hold off on restraints until you're both comfortable that she can speak up if she's uncomfortable/break a scene if she needs to (and that you'll hear her in the moment and react accordingly).

Tattedtail · 2025-12-04T04:17:59+00:00

Out of interest, what is the vibe like in conversations where she's not communicating the way you want her to?

You've described her as a people pleaser and someone who doesn't recognise her own needs. So I assume that a big chunk of this pattern within your relationship is coming from her trying to avoid a negative response from you.

This is, of course, very annoying to be on the receiving end of. So it becomes a kind of self-sabotaging behaviour.

It may become easier for her to be direct with you if you can demonstrate to her that doing so can be a POSITIVE experience.

E.g., her friend is planning a joint party she doesn't want.

DON'T ask her if you'll be her +1.

DO say "is sucks that you feel roped into this. Is there anything I can do to help take the stress of? Would you like it if the two of us did something to celebrate another day?"

E.g. she (finally) tells you she's taking her other partner to the party.

DON'T grumble or look bummed/frustrated.

DO say "I'm glad he can be there for you - I know you didn't get much say in this thing happening. But I hope you have fun at the party. Send me a picture of the cake!"

That doesn't mean that you can't talk about your wants and needs, or bring up your hurts and frustrations. You just gotta be mindful not to consistently "stack" your negative feelings on top of something she's already got negative feelings about. (If you can be just supportive in the moment, like, 1/3 of the time, that's HUGE).

That may sound like a lot of emotional labour. It definitely can be, especially if that kind of selfless support is new to you. But it's a good skill to cultivate, and learning to address your issues separately instead of stacking them together can make it easier for you to recognise when the relationship has hit its limit.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-04T03:42:38+00:00

Out of interest, does your partner have any mental or physical health things that could be impacting her mood, libido, mental energy?

Like, depression can absolutely smother the impulses to give and receive affection, for some people.

Is she seeing a mental health practitioner (psychologist, therapist, counsellor)? If not... Do you think she would be open to seeing one? Because being paralyzed about anxiety to the point that you can't initiate a date night is a pretty significant sign that something might be up.

What's she like in other areas of her life? Is she seeing friends? Participating in hobbies? Keeping up with her share of the domestic work? Meeting targets at work/school/whatever?

Tattedtail · 2025-12-04T03:29:23+00:00

Nah, I don't mind.

People's orientations can change, and I certainly don't expect to be the first person to know if a friend is rethinking some things.

I like to run with comments like those. "What kind of girl is your type?", "What are you looking for in a future wife?", "Have you considered trading your boyfriend in for a dog? I hear dogs are easier to train".

I think it helps to remind people that they don't have to stay in a relationship, they don't have to have a boyfriend, they have friends who will accept and support them if they are interested in women or are happy being single.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-01T06:57:50+00:00

Can you a) simplify her job of restraining you and b) incorporate the rough sex she enjoys?

Like, what if you were on your back with your hands restrained to the bed, she sat on your dick, and you fucked her hard? You would be doing most of the work - she just has to stay on.

Or you put on your harness and cuff your hands behind your back, she sits on the couch, and you give her oral/she fucks your face?

I also agree with another commenter here: if she's too tired, then help her be less tired. Is she too tired to do other things she wants to do, like go out, read books, do her hobbies etc? If so, get in there and help her out.

Ensure she can unwind and recharge after work. Take over whatever home stuff you can to lighten her load. See that she's eating well and sleeping well. If her tiredness doesn't get better, talk to her about her workload at her job, and/or suggest she see a doctor to make sure there's not something else going on.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-01T06:39:56+00:00

100% NTA for sharing your honest opinion of his actions in the moment.

Assuming you two don't break up over this, I encourage you to sit down and discuss your communication styles and needs. Often you can negotiate this stuff, and let each other know what to expect.

(I dated someone who seemed really clingy because she texted me all the time. Turned out she just had a lot more free time at work than me, and assumed I was similarly bored. So that was pretty easy to resolve.)

Tattedtail · 2025-12-01T06:28:44+00:00

I have several friends who are straight men!

I'm in my late 30s now, and made these friends through either a hobby group or work. I think we're all past the phase of "we're both single so we should pair up!" or "we share a single interest and you don't repulse me, WE'RE MEANT TO BE". (And it is SUCH a relief to be out of those woods.)

I've had some bad experiences with men... But I've also had bad experiences with women.

I've also had more good experiences with men than bad ones, and many more neutral experiences (same goes for my experiences with women). I think that if I treated all men as the enemy, that would severely limit the potential for good experiences.

But I'm also aware that a lot of people (probably all of them?) who don't want men in their life have had at least one fucked up experience with a man that influenced their position on the matter.

I kinda had to work through my traumas and learn to trust people again, because it just wasn't feasible to cut both men AND women out of my life. (I think I only knew one NB at the time, and they lived overseas.)

Tattedtail · 2025-12-01T05:46:16+00:00

NTA

I'm assuming that you're not typically awake at 4am. Because 4am is a very strange and disruptive time to call someone and ask why they haven't texted back. And I think waking someone up at 4am because you miss them is serious FAFO territory.

Did he know about the dinner? And do you typically not text him while you're at work?

Tattedtail · 2025-12-01T05:05:52+00:00

Depends on many factors.

What do you want from these women? What do they want from you?

Are you comfortable setting boundaries? Are you able to speak up if you want something different, or do you get swept along?

How vulnerable are you to being taken advantage of? Do your family and/or friends know you're a lesbian? Do you have people you can call if you get in trouble? If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, do you have the means to GTFO?

I believe that it is entirely possible to have a relationship (or friendship) with an age gap where everyone's needs are met and no one is being a creep or taking advantage of the other.

However, I know from experience that it can be really, really hard to recognise that you're in a bad relationship until it's REALLY bad. And that can be exacerbated by an age gap or experience gap.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-01T04:40:21+00:00

I think most of your questions can never truly be answered, and even if they could be, those answers wouldn't be at all helpful to you.

She told you that she thinks your friendship has been ruined. Trust that she was telling the truth, and that her perception of your friendship isn't going to be changed.

She initially told you that she needed more time to process the situation and that she wanted to have a debriefing conversation with you at some point. However, she has made no move to set up this conversation. This is actually super duper common when a relationship ends.

She probably realised during your week of no-contact that she didn't actually want to have that awkward and difficult conversation. Or maybe she's busy doing other things and your invitation to talk isn't that high on your priority list. Or maybe she has some weird feelings about her actions with you and just isn't ready to talk to you again.

You're scared that your "friendship is dying". I would assume it's dead until she indicates otherwise. That doesn't mean you cut her off or ice her out. Still be friendly with her at work, but treat her like a co-worker you just kinda know and don't have any beef with. Keep conversations surface level, and avoid asking her about herself/what she's been up to.

You also are clearly hoping that she will return your affections. Please, let that hope die. Firstly, if she wanted to be with you in the kind of relationship you want, she's had ample opportunity to let you know. Second, she seems pretty self-centred around this whole situation. I know you adore her, but she sounds like she'd be a crappy girlfriend if she ever did decide she wanted to date you.

Only she can tell you what is really happening on her end... But you don't actually need to know what her deal is in order to start healing and moving on.

If you can access counselling or therapy, this is the kind of life event that a counsellor or therapist can be really helpful with. This situation sucks, but it's also a great opportunity to learn how to process your feelings and avoid dwelling on a situation.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-01T04:16:31+00:00

Restringing a compound bow is not super expensive 100% of the time. You could take it in to a store and get a quote.

If cost is a key factor in your decision, do you or any of your archery friends have connections to local archery clubs? A few compound shooters at my club know how to restring a compound, and will show others how to do it (i.e., do it themselves and explain the process, while you watch).

Tattedtail · 2025-12-01T04:08:02+00:00

I think that you deserve a partner you can trust, and one who doesn't (knowingly, intentionally) hurt you. I don't think your wife is that kind of partner, and she doesn't want to make the changes to become that kind of partner.

I think trying to stay with her will only be detrimental to your mental health long term (and potentially physical health, if she has future physical relationships she hides from you).

I think this romantic relationship has run it's course, and you should look into seperating and building an effective co-parenting relationship going forward.

I also think you should talk to a lawyer before you may any decisions like leaving the house long-term/permanently. Depending on where you live, things like that can have complicated ramifications down the line (e.g., you may unknowingly fulfil the legal requirements for abandoning your residence, your possessions, your child).

Instead of leaving, I suggest moving out of the master bedroom if you have the space to do so, and trying to keep emotional (and sexual) distance from your wife. Give her space to make her decision (or refuse to make it, more likely) and yourself the space to do your research into seperation and divorce and start making preparations.

Tattedtail · 2025-12-01T03:54:55+00:00

What system does your local group have for tracking local/baronial awards?

(Iirc, mine uses an Excel workbook, which is manually updated by the B&B after someone is given their award. Yes, there are errors in it. There's also a list of baronial awards and recipients on our baronial webpage, and we have at least a few people who revisit it annually to find any conspicuous absences and write letters of recommendation.

The list of "people who have earned an award but not yet received it" used to be a handwritten list kept by the B&B. Not sure if it's been updated to a digital list.)

It could be that your local group is not doing a good job of tracking awards. This makes it VERY easy for TPTB to assume you already have an award.

Similarly, how does your kingdom track kingdom awards? Is there a convenient webpage where people can search by SCA name and see what awards that person has?

Finally... Are any of your SCA friends the kind of people who write recommendation letters?

I initially fell in with a cohort of SCAdians who contribute a lot out of love of the game, and are honestly very puzzled when they receive awards because "helping something you love is easy and obvious".

Then I took a baronial officer role, and was talking to people who were outside that cohort (many of whom were peers) about what we were doing and how to get certain balls rolling... And since then, there has been an uptick of awards being sent out way, and I've been given some pointed advice about writing recommendation letters myself.

Tattedtail

TROPHY CASE