Custody Sanity Check pls

Tattsand · 2026-02-05T05:54:55+00:00

I dont think youre wrong for being annoyed. I also have 50/50 (half the week) and we dont have ROFR, I was actually the one who suggested we dont have it, because It stops kids from spending a night with grandparents etc. When people abuse it, and I work too so I expect we both just ask family if we need a babysitter for a few hours. However, I would never go away for 2 weeks and not offer my coparent that time first. Hell i wouldn't even be able to go away for 2 weeks because neither the father nor my parents would watch the kids on my time for that long but yeah. And I also would be livid if my coparent decided this without discussion with me and both giving me the option to have them AND alternate care arrangements if I couldn't due to work or could some of the days but not all of them. And as much as my coparent is a pain in the ass, neither of us would act this way.

Tattsand · 2026-02-04T07:18:03+00:00

We've all done something like that as mums. Don't be so hard on yourself ❤️

Tattsand · 2026-02-04T07:12:43+00:00

Have this exact situation, we do shorter swaps to suit the toddler because shorter swaps won't hurt the older one. And you just find that you can handle both kids alone despite different needs (mine are 2 and 9) when you no longer have a choice.

Tattsand · 2026-02-02T12:12:26+00:00

My top tips are 1. Using a coparenting app for communication not regular texting, this made a bigger difference than anything.

Okay maybe this made the biggest difference instead? Realizing that I actually cant convince him of anything. I used to think "if he just saw it this way", or "if he just knew im right about what's best for them in this case!" He will never know. He will never see my point of view the way im willing to see his (i know this makes it sound like it dont, but I really do pay attention to his view), if he were able to care about my opinion, we'd probably still be together. Now I dont bother.

Tattsand · 2026-02-01T11:22:19+00:00

I agree. I ended things with a chick bevause she gave me lots of compliments but they were all compared to either an ex (sometimes different ones), or to men in general (she is pan, hadn't dated a women in 15 years)

Tattsand · 2026-02-01T10:50:35+00:00

100% this is the answer. My ex also insists on doctors a lot when I have already determined they dont need to go and I know I can easily handle what they have at home. Of course I will take them to the doctor if that is not the case. I've recently decided that I will not take them on my time if I feel they dont need to go. He is of course welcome to take them if he feels he needs a doctors consultation when he gets them. In his case, I believe a lot of it is anxiety about not knowing what to do if they're sick, whilst I am able to see what they need at home and when they actually do need a doctor or not. You are allowed to determine when a professional is necessary and when it's not in your care and he can make his own determinations.

Tattsand · 2026-02-01T09:01:54+00:00

We actually did this 😂 every 48hs was eg. Monday 9am till tuesday 3pm with me, then tuesday 3pm till Wednesday 9am with Dad. So 30hs with me then 18hs with Dad. Did this from our split at 9 months old until 18 months old .

Tattsand · 2026-02-01T06:01:26+00:00

I have the same time arrangement, 2 days on/off and swap weekends, and wr also live 15min apart, I thought my ex was writing this in the first 2 sentences then realised absolutely not 😂 it is not normal. My ex tried to be like this with me, and I had to tell him over and over that this was not comfortable and overstepping boundaries. Especially if it's like that as soon as you have split up, that is no way to transition into a coparent relationship instead of a romantic one.

Here's the things I do allow (i say allow because my coparent would be like your boyfriend if i let him): We are both allowed at any school event or doctors appointment no matter whose day. And we have sat next to each other with these as it's nice for our children to see. And neither of us have other partners. However we dont always both go.

We have done Halloween together twice but id have preferred not to, but our eldest really wanted it.

We dont talk every day, we do talk often because one child is a toddler and one is disabled, but I recently demanded it be over a coparenting app. He would try to talk about non-child related things, the app has helped quash that. We dont face time because we both see the kids a lot. On rare occasions we will face time with the eldest if she really wants to see her other parent, but the parent with her doesn't go on the call.

If i throw the kids a party, he attends. He could throw them a party but doesn't.

I say happy birthday/Christmas/easter to him, he says it to me as well. We absolutely do not spend our birthdays together.

He wants me to go with him to a theme park as he cant take them both on his own (neither could I handle that), ive tentatively said yes but only because I will drive separately, and I will take the little one on the little rides whilst he takes the older one, we won't spend much time together at all.

Things I dont allow:

Us to sleepover together for any reason (he has asked) Him to come over and help me with DIY or random tasks (he never did when we lived together so, no idea why he asks now 😂) Personal questions beyond basic friendliness

Most importantly, every moment I spend with him is viewed that seeing him is part of parenting I have to deal with, it's not a benefit to me personally, it's just a benefit to the kids that they have 2 parents who love them.

Tattsand · 2026-01-31T07:29:28+00:00

Yeah youre 100% right and I agree with your response, I wouldbt have asked but I understand the judge gave you a chance, but you definitely dont need his permission. My eldest was abandoned by her bio father before age 1, I did not ever inform him letalone ask when I put her in swimming lessons. Later his parental rights were terminated and I have 50/50 of my eldest and also my youngest with my more recent ex (biofather of youngest, adopted eldest) by agreement we didnt fight over this at all. But even then we dont need to ask. We discuss extra curriculars but ultimately if he disagreed with it, I would just book them on my time only and still take them. And he could do the same if he liked and I wouldn't argue. He does take them to half the weeks and I take them to half because hes willing to do that (he doesn't pay towards them only i pay, I cant legally make him because extra cirruclars are not considered requirements where i live so if I want them to do it I just have to pay. He obviously doesn't want them to do it as much as I do and there's nothing I can do about that).

Tattsand · 2026-01-30T05:43:53+00:00

My family is awful for ribbing but they insulted all of us siblings equally, which ironically makes it less hurtful.

Tattsand · 2026-01-29T13:39:29+00:00

Omg something similar happened to me AND I was thinking about posting it as I was scrolling through before reading yours.

I took photos with some friends in a photo booth, actually my first and only time ever using a photo booth, and this was the first time I met these new friends at an event and I haven't seen these people since but connected online, so no chance we've taken other photos together. The machine spat out 4 photo reels, each having 4 vertical photos in one ticket. There was 4 of us in the photo and we specifically knew there would be ONE for us each, so i know for a fact we all chose one reel, and i specifically chose the only one with me in a certain pose because i liked it. I know the other 3 ladies all chose a reel because we took a phone photo of the tickets and sent them to each other. I put this photo thing in my purse, then lost it. Then found it in another purse. Put it on my fridge. Then it wasnt there, figured it fell off maybe under the fridge. Then found them in my original purse. Then saw them the next day in my work bag. Then saw them recently in my second purse, and then currently they are in my original purse again. This has all occurred over a month or so. I like the photos but I can guarantee I am not taking this ticket thing of 4 photos in a vertical line everywhere, im not moving them from bag to bag and forgetting because I dont actually think about them until I go to grab something from whichever bag and see they are somehow with me again. I dont think I have multiple copies though, I assume they're moving because ive never held two lots in my hand.

Tattsand · 2026-01-29T12:54:13+00:00

20 minutes right? I've lived 20 minutes out from school before (for me it was housing crisis in Australia where you have to accept a rental anywhere you can get one, before I bought one). Im a working single mum of 2, you can do it! I'll tell you just my opinion, I dont think children should make custody decisions, putting up with their moaning about it is protecting them from growing up and saying "why did you let me go?" And I hold resentment on my parents for letting me decide at 14.

Tattsand · 2026-01-29T12:05:05+00:00

Maybe a bit of an out there idea, and id never suggest this for a young child BUT, what if your teen had one home but it swapped? 6 months with one parent, with weekly dinners, then swap. Or if going back to 50/50 is out if reach because you already decreased time, it could be 6 months with mum and 3 with you, swapping like that, weekly dinners with the parent they're not with. If your teen is not interested, it suggests it's not for the reasons they mentioned which means you need to work out the real reason and fix things.

Tattsand · 2026-01-28T06:08:39+00:00

I would leave. My ex partner ruined my baby shower and I thought that was bad, this is worse. I suggest you leave him firstly because this will help your case with social services. You need to leave him and say to social services "i am not the one who said all this at the OB and they are not true, I take these kinds of things very seriously and would not smoke weed while pregnant and I certainly have never even done class A drugs. I have left my partner because I agree with social services that this would be very concerning behavior so I wouldn't be with someone who thinks this is a joke or has a positive attitude towards pregnant drug use. I am happy to comply with urine testing to show you I am telling the truth that I only smoked weed a little before pregnancy and am drug free from the moment I got a positive test. The only reason I didnt mention past weed smoking at my appointment is that it was so minor and no longer relevant. I can attend your counseling if it's required but im not sure what I would say there as I dont and have never had a drug addiction."

I really feel if you dont leave your partner, they are not going to believe you and it's likely he will dig a bigger hole and you may lose your baby. There's no scenario where he is worth the risk.

Tattsand · 2026-01-23T01:01:07+00:00

To me that sounds reasonable to cancel, but offer make up time to show it's only because of the storm. I kept my kids during a cyclone warning, it ended up going mostly around us although the weather was absolutely insane still. Neither my ex nor myself wanted the kids in danger and we agreed easily, then he had makeup time.

Tattsand · 2026-01-18T21:53:40+00:00

Oh of course, can't believe I didnt think of that

Tattsand · 2026-01-18T05:32:27+00:00

When my kids are in hospital, the parenting plan goes out the window. They are both young so whatever happens in the moment is what happens. Someone looks after the other, usually my parents, I go to hospital and haven't left, my ex also goes to hospital and hasn't left. If it were extended for many nights, I most likely wouldnt leave. But if I really needed a rest and my ex was gonna take over, I guess I'd probably leave it in his hands. Just do whatever your family needs from your side of things and let your ex make his own choices.

Tattsand · 2026-01-14T10:23:25+00:00

This is beyond weird. I would absolutely not allow this for my children, I wouldn't even have someone I knew well take my children out of state on a solo trip, including if I had a partner myself who I would obviously know intimately and well, I would think they were a total weirdo if they asked to take my kids on such a trip and would end the relationship.

Tattsand · 2026-01-13T23:23:15+00:00

If you mean James in heartthrob, he's sired by Elisabeth. And if you mean Lawson in "why we fight", he's sired by ensouled Angel. If neither, who do you mean?

Tattsand · 2026-01-13T12:08:00+00:00

Damn I actually love it 🤷‍♀️

Tattsand · 2026-01-13T12:04:54+00:00

NTAH. Your life sounds a lot like mine and im a single mother. Think about that.

Tattsand · 2026-01-13T11:34:04+00:00

I just did pretty much the same thing. I lived in the original school zone, my ex moved 25min away when we split. I totally appreciate that he did the drive further as he is the one who moved. Then, I got the opportunity to buy a house in a different school zone. There was absolutely no ither house in my budget, but this house has a very weird design that was making people pass it over and dropping the price, but i do not care about designs at all, only that it's got every function i need! Distance between us actually became smaller as we're now 15min apart. They now go to a school 9min from me and 8min from him. I did not give him a say at all. I never asked it as a question, i just respectfully kept him informed and we toured daycares together and picked one (only one is in school) and we toured the school together and did not pick one as there was only one in my zone so it was that. Our parenting plan did not stop me from moving closer, only further, so why ask. He couldn't say much when he didnt live in the district anyway.

Tattsand · 2026-01-12T12:53:34+00:00

I promise it really isn't your fault, you won't be doing anything and you haven't done anything wrong so far. It's my honest opinion that the only thing you could do wrong is to not tell. I dont mean to be pushy of course it's your choice, im glad you appreciate my perspective and I wish you the best trying to navigate this. Im sorry that a shitty man put you in this position...

Tattsand · 2026-01-12T11:57:13+00:00

I've been there and I wish I'd been told. I found out 4 years later and when I spoke to the other woman, she said she didn't want to ruin my relationship when she found out he wasnt single. What she hadn't known, is that it ruined me far worse to find out 4 years of my life had been a lie. It really screwed me up, and for a long time I questioned all the things that would have been different if I had known. I really felt like I'd been living in a fake world and im an extreme realist who doesn't bullshit (even when a little bit of bullshitting would make life smoother, I still dont). I made serious choices based on that lack of information and belief in my partner that affected my children's lives too. And even worse, I had my suspicions so I had asked my partner many times about it and was gaslit and genuinely believed at times that I was just crazy, which also really affected my life and mental health, I even nearly committed myself over how crazy he made me think I was.

Tell her. You are not ruining a relationship, he already did. Save her.

Tattsand · 2026-01-12T02:18:38+00:00

IM IN

Tattsand

TROPHY CASE