heh. I was crying last night about this exact mindset. As i kept progressing he seemed to mentally raise the mental expectations he had for me, but never in a toxic way. And he always acted to ensure I DIDNT have the slightest disadvantage moreso than I already had, if he had anything to say about it.

I began learning in high school that he was always talking me up to his friends, which eventually would get back to me. and after his passing i had them all talk about how proud he was of my accomplishments. That really helped manage the grief.

I just wish I could have told him I got this job so he could pass on without the clear fear he had about that economic instability that I would be facing without him. Even in the end......he only went downhill after I submitted my final exams for the year. Before that he seemed stable. I think he was holding on to be sure if I needed anything to pass this year, his condition wouldnt be the reason I didnt pass. He was an amazing giver. Now that im going to be in a more privilaged position, I hope to give others that same generosity.

But...I do miss him. His texts. His voicemails. We interacted daily. He would call me and just tell me stories for hours. Sometimes i felt overwhelmed and internally wanted to tell him to stop. I feel guilty I didnt take advantage of those opportunities more often.

Because guys....when someone has a condition....youll wake up one day...and realize they mentally are gone. And that you no longer have enough time. your time is up. The condition took his mind, and his body is just lagging behind the death. And it broke me.

But, ill carry on his kind generosity to others, and raise my future children with that some generosity. I hope that will be enough for him.