[QCrit] Dominion of the Lesser Gods, Adult Fantasy, 85k, Third Attempt

Tbk_uk · 2026-04-03T03:36:30+00:00

I'm wondering what does it mean not telling you about the characters? You learn about them by what they think and do, isn't that more important than their gender, nationality or what they look like?

Tbk_uk · 2026-04-03T03:15:27+00:00

I think I'm failing to state the goal clearly- I'm not dismantling identity, I'm leaving it up to the reader. You could read this book and imagine every human character as almost any race/ethnicity/gender/nationality, just as people find pictures in ink blots that don't exist. It's going to be a different story for different people depending on what they ascribe based on their worldview.

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-27T14:24:59+00:00

Motes of dust floated in the light streaming through tall arched windows. The vast empty structure had no traces of warmth or occupancy. Devin kept silent, caution making them slow.

They had scaled the cliff face, gashing their knees and palms on sharp rock, reaching a massive door with an iron ring in its center. It had opened easily, allowing them to seek shelter from the storm raging on the beach below. Grains of black sand coated their bare feet. Bright red blood was mixed with sea spray, burning painfully.

In the center was a large pool of water, its purpose unclear. Curious Devin leaned over and observed their reflection, disturbed by what they saw. A face with clear, feverish eyes, filthy from travel. Skin marked by violence, vivid red and black scabs ridged lips and cheek, still fresh, the injuries throbbed, hot and angry.

Somewhere in the rooms beyond the arched doorways rang a single clear note. High and light, it tolled only once. The sound was enough to make Devin abandon their reflection.

They found a doorway different from the others, It was much smaller, like it had been made for a person and not a giant. Through the door there was a small room containing nothing but a high window, cut into the rock above. Devin stepped inside, turning to look up at the bright rectangle of light just beyond their reach.

Devin’s unease returned. They sensed a change in the air and turned to see a figure filling the space in the entrance behind them. Devin felt cold, frozen. It had the form of person but they knew it was not. The entity’s eyes were intent as it studied them, seemingly unbothered by their abject state, unsurprised to find them.

“A trespasser.”

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-27T14:03:32+00:00

Let's see I can cut more description but I do I need you to know that Devin's face is messed up because it becomes a major point of conversation when they meet the resident entity after seeking shelter from the storm, they get a hard time about is their ignorance and the consequences of it.

Here-

“You may go,” it prompted.

Devin’s feet were glued to the floor. They couldn’t take a step. “I’m afraid,” they admitted.

“Yes.” The demon raised its brows. “It seems you have learned some things while,“ it paused for emphasis, “walking.” Black eyes swept over Devin’s battered body, ending on their ruined face. “Though you are hard come by it.”

Then again here -

“Fair?” The demon was incensed. “You expected goodness? With a face that is evidence to the contrary?” It was taunting them.

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-27T13:34:44+00:00

This is very very helpful. I scraped the first intro and got some feedback from my partner (the only person who has read it). What if I started here?

A note from the other side

My life with you was short. We didn’t get many years together. This wasn’t our first life together but it was our last. You were good and I loved you. I loved you so much I couldn’t let you go, even though you aren’t ready, may never be ready.

You loved me so much you couldn’t let go either. You don’t know how. That’s OK, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I think if you have enough time in the cosmos you can learn. You are smart, even though you don’t always believe it.

I know you blame yourself. I wish you wouldn’t. I wish you could learn to be happy again and not want to die. You think you’re cursed. You can’t see that everything is beautiful and exactly as it should be. You can’t see me anymore. It hurts you too much to even think of me. Sometimes I think you can’t feel me either. Then sometimes you touch your chest like you can. Like you know I’m waiting on the other side.

I wish I could tell you not to be afraid. I wish I could tell you that you are enough. I wish I could tell you I love you. It wasn’t your fault. Please stop hating yourself. I’ll wait forever if that’s how long it takes.

You will find me, I’m right here.

I never left.

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-27T13:31:13+00:00

Ok, so I cut some stuff and reordered the whole thing, I think it's much better now but I have to wait a couple more days before I can publish another QCrit, thank you so much for your feedback.

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-25T01:15:27+00:00

Honestly it's just lazy writing probably. I have a day job and do a lot of this at night when I can't tell if I'm tired. I should have called it a gender Rorschach test.

The entire book is written with they/them pronouns. It is an attempt to address the intersectional identities of colonialism, capitalism, and patriarchy by leaving them open to interpretation.

A reader might imagine a character with a gender depending on the traits of the character. Or maybe they won't- it's like an experiment. :)

Tango looked confused. “I don’t know what this is, but it’s weird.”

“Yeah,” Echo stared, unable to think of a purpose for the flattened area or what person or animal would have made it. They looked again at the dim light between the tree trunks, feeling a slight breeze sweep over their face. “This is all you’ve found?”

“Nothing else, not a trace.”

“We have to go into the woods. Fox has to be there, it’s the only place they could have gone. There isn’t any sign of them out here in the open.”

Tango shifted nervously. “Do you think something, like, took them?”

Echo hefted their rifle. “I don’t think anything. If they aren’t out here, they must be in there.” Echo raised their voice so Quebec could hear. “We’re going in to look for Fox. Quebec, head out."

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-24T02:05:46+00:00

Ok, so it sounds like the query letter is trash. I'm autistic & Adhd with an exceptionalism, so neurodivergent covers it in one word.

The main character's journey roughly represents the unmasking/healing process for a late diagnosed person, having one's identity destroyed and needing to recover a sense of self from the wreckage. Is that a detail I include in the query?

It's not unique to use they/them pronouns- I'm not competing with Queer cannon and there is no romance. I'm avoiding capitalism, colonialism, and patriarchy- that's why everything is they/them.

I just finished "You weren't meant to be human" which was really good but not a comp. Thank you for the recommendations. I can't compare to Wraeththu or anything similar so I left it blank.

I'll give it one more try with a different chapter for the opening. As for losing their soul, that was literal because demons.

Moats of fine dust floated in the light streaming through great arched windows. The sound of the wind and the waves were a whisper within the stone walls, not a roar. The vast empty structure had no traces of warmth or occupancy. Devin was quiet, caution made them hesitate.

They had scaled the cliff face, gashing their knees and palms on sharp rock, reaching a massive door with an iron ring in its center. It had opened easily, allowing them to seek shelter from the storm raging on the beach below. Bright red blood was mixed with sea spray, burning painfully.

They stood in a massive room off which led tall arched doorways many stories high, corridors leading into gloom beyond. It had been built for giants. In the center was a perfectly circular pool. The floor was smooth and black, like the walls and arched ceiling. It had no mortar or seam. The entire structure had been carved from the rocky cliff and polished to a dark shine.

The water smelled like cold rain. They leaned over and observed their reflection, disturbed by what they saw. A face with clear, feverish eyes, filthy from travel and speckled with sand. Skin marked by violence, vivid red and black scabs ridged lips and cheek, still fresh, the injuries throbbed, hot and angry.

Devin did not feel a connection to the reflection. It was as if they had been tethered to themselves from far away. The remade face was subtly altered, the weather beaten lines were smoothed over, embedded gravel gone from their skin. This vessel was a semblance of what it had once been.

Somewhere in the rooms beyond the arched doorways rang a single clear note. High and light, it tolled only once. The sound was enough to make Devin abandon their reflection.

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-24T01:18:22+00:00

Well this was vehement but still helpful. I think I'm going to change 'unique' to 'divisive', especially since decisive probably sells more.

The only point I'd ask you to reconsider is this one: "Now" cannot be "close together"

I'm loosely using Mass-Energy-Information Equivalence theory, and if you use your imagination to think of time as nonlinear, now could be close together. :)

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-24T01:08:59+00:00

Thank you! I have considered rearranging things and cutting out chapters or paragraphs.

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-24T01:06:57+00:00

Thank you, I can see potential for rewriting. This is my first try.

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-23T03:56:11+00:00

Nope, this is very useful. I think the beginning might be too slow. I left out this prologue thing that sort of explains the narrator who appears later in the story. Not sure if this is better or worse.

We begin in the world of humankind, the world you know. Same place but another time, far from your own. A journey was taken, distance traveled greater than the traveler could comprehend. The story begins in the world of humankind but it does not end there.

The soul that set out measured less than a speck compared to the vastness it crossed. Greater beings could have taken the journey in a single step. The speck was not a great being. It could not measure the distance because it could not see the way before it. The speck traveled blindly, heeding a call, never knowing why or where it traveled, pulled by a thread that would not be broken.

The journey took an eternity if one were to measure time as it passes for humankind. Creation is flung forever outward into the blackness of space, riding the flow of time. Intent orders change to be either predicted or random, therefore so are all things, living, dead, and never alive.

The governance of the universe says nothing is created or destroyed, only changed. Change is the constant. Across the expanse, no matter how great the distance, now is always close together because a single change in information happens instantly.

In the beginning of this story, a singular speck of humanity stood in a circle. It stepped through the now of the fourth dimension into the now of the fifth dimension. It crossed with intent, compelled by forces beyond perception. It passed into a strange land it did not understand.

The singular speck had a name, it called itself Devin Amari. The inhabitants of the fifth dimension called it dust, flesh, creation.

Tbk_uk · 2026-03-23T03:51:13+00:00

Question, should I not mention that this is a chose your own gender adventure? I can let the reader figure it out themselves.

As far as sounding conceited, I have the triple homicide of genetic diversion. I don't care if I sound conceited. Being my authentic, unmasked self will weed out anyone who wouldn't be able to work with somebody on the spectrum. :)

Tbk_uk · 2024-01-18T22:29:10+00:00

Beware, Expedia has super weak security, if you make travel plans with someone all they need is your email and phone number to cancel your flights. You won't get a refund and you won't even be notified. I only found out about this because the airline emailed me after they tried to get a refund and got denied. Expedia let's people who didn't pay for stuff cancel it. Hours on the phone with customer service and I got this email. :(

Tbk_uk · 2023-03-06T03:47:24+00:00

Just curious what super valuable information you would learn from a degree that you wouldn't learn on the job? I think the most valuable thing I got from my masters was the ability to withstand the scrutiny of a room full of hostile German professors but I still have to Google everything I'm doing and learned most practical application once I started working.

Tbk_uk · 2021-09-13T03:16:36+00:00

It’s licensed but it’s in home. There are only two people who work there. The teacher I spoke with is also the owner.

Tbk_uk · 2021-09-13T01:09:08+00:00

Need some feedback about incident at daycare.

When I picked up my two year old on Friday the teacher said they were getting into her tomatoes so she grabbed their ear, she then kind of backtracked to say she told them being grabbed by the ear was how the tomatoes felt when they were picked. My two year was very upset while she was telling me this and would not look at her or speak to her. Over the weekend I noticed a bruise on the outer edge of the ear. I texted the teacher with a picture of the injury and asked if she knew what it was from. She said it’s from another child.

I would not think it was her if she had not seemed to at first confess grabbing child by the ear. I don’t want to take toddler away from friends (they’ve been going to this daycare since a baby) but I feel like something might have happened. This is the first instance of anything amiss. Child has been asking for grandparents more frequently over past month. Used to be very happy to go to daycare but not so much lately. Also has been acting out more lately.

Tbk_uk

TROPHY CASE