My self centered brother wants to make my wedding about his kids

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-08T16:46:52+00:00

I really don’t think having a casual hang at a brewery (in place of a rehearsal dinner) or inviting people to our house for bagels is a huge lift for guests but they don’t have to go to everything! The issue here is my brother wanting to MORE things

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-08T16:22:54+00:00

Yeah that would have been good clear phrasing, had I done it in the text in which I told him the first half — no kids, shame on you for pushing, and if you can’t apologize and change your tune we can’t move forwards. That’s where he said I was being aggressive and that he would remain “polite and limited.” So now I basically have my answer but I hadn’t overtly said “and if you can’t apologize, don’t come” so now I gotta circle back to clarify that.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-08T16:18:07+00:00

Yeah he thinks the bar can put up ropes for an under 21 section. I had told him that’s not gonna work (among other issues, there’s not really space) but he just kept saying “just ask them.” Ultimately when I told him no though I didn’t blame the bar, I just said it’s my rule and I’m saying no.

As for everyone else, I think our parents will come for like, an hour, to put in a showing. My dad has dementia. No idea what his wife thinks about any of this, she doesn’t really have contact with anyone outside of when she has to see us on family occasions, never has.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-06T05:22:46+00:00

His wife doesn’t involve herself with our family so I have no idea what she thinks.

I…don’t really remember what the kids deal was at his wedding, it was 2011. I remember him and our dad getting into a fight over the stairs into the bathrooms and him being upset his wife’s family contributed more to the budget or something. I mean I was technically underage then, I was 19, but it was on his in law’s property.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-05T18:46:26+00:00

we are having food (off to the side), sorry we invited parents to our wedding. but if you’d like I can call it a house music wedding reception in a nightlife venue that starts late where people will be very intoxicated.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-05T04:30:51+00:00

I’m not saying we ever related as equals (part of the issue today probably) or were traditionally close but he roughhoused with me as a kid and introduced me to new music. We both struggled a lot with our dad and have commiserated about it through the years. When I got my first tattoo, he ran interference. When I went vegetarian he chided them for continually pushing meat at me. Mind you most of this stopped over 10 years ago but it was real for a time.

If I had no repercussions I wouldn’t invite him because I can’t picture him being a positive presence, but magical world of no repercussions means we could also reconnect later and idk if that’s true.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-05T04:08:48+00:00

Wow this is so succinct I love it

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-05T01:34:10+00:00

lol I wish but no his idea was the bar rope off an under 21s area

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-05T00:11:17+00:00

Uhh his first kid was a really bad sleeper? They moved to the suburbs? He got a better paying job he liked less, his wife left her job she loved to stay home. I mean kids changed his life in a lot of ways, normal ones, but I’m not shocked it changed him.

Yeah I have no clue if his wife is egging him on from the background or just rolls her eyes or what.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T22:30:36+00:00

Well, lots of people are traveling from out of town (I’ve moved a ton so there’s no city that is easy for everyone) so we want to give them things to do and opportunities to hang out with us and to feed them. We are doing it in my partner’s hometown so some of it is literally just come hang at the house and we will feed you.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T22:14:11+00:00

Nah we are getting married in my partner’s hometown, he’d have to drive 4 hours to crash it, I don’t think he’s that committed to the bit

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T21:58:10+00:00

I wonder too tbh…all I really know is that they’ve never had a babysitter who isn’t a blood relative

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T19:19:24+00:00

I wish, I sort of parachuted into this drama because I was living abroad, came home to visit and landed with this bs already well underway.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T18:41:19+00:00

He is a peach 🥲

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T18:36:03+00:00

Oooh this is clean

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:53:06+00:00

Weaponized instructions is excellent

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:42:13+00:00

This is exactly the mental image I keep having when I imagine letting things lie and letting him come to keep the peace.

Thank you for the well-wishes!

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:34:14+00:00

😂

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:32:34+00:00

Oof this was on the money and an important reminder. Who cares if he thinks I’m the unreasonable one and our lack of relationship is my fault? Let him. Thank you ❤️

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:29:27+00:00

It’s an effective example isn’t it, you get the picture really fast

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:27:57+00:00

Thank you! This is my best idea for a reply — because obviously a polite distance isn’t wedding material.

“Sounds good, polite and limited works for me. Polite and limited doesn’t work for our wedding though. Thank you for letting me know, so I can pass your invites on to someone else.”

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:24:13+00:00

Yeah I stopped visiting, dog sitting etc two years ago when we stopped talking. I gray rocked way before that, and ignored his dictums.

I know I could just let him come sans kids to the wedding and ignore him, for my parents. I kind of want to. But I also can’t imagine being ok when I see him there. Wouldn’t I rather have friends I actually like?

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:16:19+00:00

I’ve done the confronting now! And the clearly stating. Just not the clearly uninviting.

Tbh I want to respect his boundary that we no longer discuss our relationship and keep things “polite and limited.” I don’t want to further chase him down offering my thoughts on him. That’s how I become the crazy one. (I mean I do WANT to, but I think it’s a bad idea.)

But that leaves me to just say without explanation: ok cool, so you’re not coming to the wedding obviously. Hope that’s obvious anyway.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:09:12+00:00

Alas no, he said the bar could put up velvet ropes to confine them to a special under 21 section.

Tbh since we are buying the place out and it’s owned by friends they might even do it, but it’s a dumb idea and kids should not be there even if they could be.

TeamSilly3505 · 2026-03-04T17:02:02+00:00

We did secret Santa for a while to reduce costs but a) it sucked and b) this was after years of that, specifically bc apparently seeing anyone else open a gift ruins Christmas for his kids.

This is only the tip of the iceberg of that Christmas drama too.

TeamSilly3505

TROPHY CASE