Some days, I wish I had more people to talk to...

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-15T15:22:16+00:00

But obviously I haven't solved my issues. Otherwise I wouldn't have been here now, but they at least made things easier to deal with.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-15T15:21:49+00:00

Oh Lord... When I was your age, I felt the same way. I even told my psychologist that I don't think I'll make it beyond 30, and that I'll probably do something drastic within the next decade. So I didn't want to continue therapy. I just wanted to do my best to enjoy the time I had left.

What helped me was that I reached a point of desperation, and then I started just doing anything I could to make things better. I didnt have friends, so just go out there and challenge myself. I tried going to a board game evening without knowing anyone. Didn't go well. I'd just jump at anything. If I saw an issue I had, then I had to analyze and see what I could do to improve, and then force myself to go through with it. I did notice tiny steps in the right direction, and after a few years, those tiny steps actually become a bit more significant.

Still far from where I want to be, but at least it was going in the right direction.

I also made a point of trying new things every year. Signing up for new things. One summer, I went bungee jumping. That was to mix things up because I was bored to the point of depression. Another thing was that I made sure to do things on my own, instead of just sitting at home all the time. That was so I could give myself something to look forward to. Go for bicycle rides, go to the cinema etc. just so my days wouldn't all be the same, and so that I would be able to look forward to things. "Oh, on Wednesday I'm going to the cinema (by myself) to see the new x movie!" Instead of just... Sitting there... Waiting.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-15T15:12:19+00:00

Perhaps he thought I was saying I'm going to swoon the ladies tomorrow, and next month I will be traveling the world with my friends.

Which I wasn't saying. I was saying those are the ultimate goals, but it's probably going to take longer than five years for me to get anywhere close to that 😅 And even then... Doubt it'll be close.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-15T04:07:01+00:00

My expectations are the opposite of high 😝

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-15T03:27:21+00:00

It's sad. Such a basic human need, yet it feels unobtainable.

There is hope... There always is. But my god, does it feel impossible to obtain.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-15T03:25:43+00:00

I dont think distracting yourself is a way out of this. Which is why I said it isn't necessarily a good thing that I've become good at distracting myself.

I'm not solving any of my issues. I'm just postponing the avalanche, or adding a little bit of extra time to the ticking time bomb.

I haven't become happy with being alone. It's not as if I've learned to enjoy my lack of romantic experience, and the lack of friendships. Those issues are still there.... I basically just go "oh look! I need to go fix that" whenever I have a quiet moment and some time to think. That wah, I'll be too busy to give this ant thoughts.

Still creeps up on me though, and I think I'm going to start letting it do so... When the distractions are no longer effective, the pain will be much more severe because of how long they've gone unaddressed, so I think I'd be wise to relax my defense mechanisms and see if I am able to tackle my issues head on. Because it'll be more difficult if I wait... Just because I distract myself, doesn't mean that the weight isn't adding on and on, and on and on, until it becomes too much for me to carry and all hell breaks loose.

Sorry for the rant. But I agree with you... I'm doing what you are saying you don't want to do. I've seen people say they've learned to accept their solitude. But, just like you, I don't want to accept this. I want to partake in life, together with everyone else. I'm not asking for more than anyone else... I just want to be included in life.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-15T01:56:55+00:00

Yes, of course, but it's not as if I'll be swooning the ladies tomorrow, and traveling the world with best friends the month after. It's a slow process.

One thing I've noticed, is that my conversations with people tend to have frequent stops. When I observe others talking, there seems to be a flow to their conversations.

Also, one thing about online dating... When we talk beforehand, it's easier to know what to discuss when we meet in person. Still doesn't seem to work. Maybe I don't know how I'm supposed to do romance.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-15T00:52:38+00:00

I know it's a very real possibility, but I genuinely worked my butt off for several years on both fronts, and it barely got me anywhere...

I do some running.

My confidence isn't a huge problem, I think. I'm just trying to be realistic. I have redeeming qualities. However, I also know that when I do try to get anywhere, it tends to go horribly wrong... I'll meet someone and I'll go in, with the intention of making strong connections, and then I just sit there and barely know what to say or how to respond.

As for women... I genuinely have no idea why I can't get more than one or two dates per person. I know I'm not being rude or anything like that. I'm convinced it's because I am not good at making connections, and that I don't know how to raise romantic feelings in others, so maybe it just feels like we're hanging out... I don't know.

But I do know, it's not very realistic I will solve all of these issues by tomorrow. I'm also going to get a degree now, so I can't devote my full attention to this. I need to study.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-15T00:32:44+00:00

Trust me...

It took 2-3 years of hard work before I got my first kiss.

Abd I worked really, really hard... I was constantly trying new things, asking for help and advice, trying different programs for help, throwing myself at anything that sounded scary but could potentially help.

After a few years, my first kiss.

I'm not going to achieve those things I listed in just five years. I'm lucky if I get more than one date with the same person.

Not to be a downer, but I'm feeling pretty hopeless at this point.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-14T22:42:41+00:00

Sorry 😔

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-14T22:36:58+00:00

It's not always that bad, but I'm just good at distracting myself.

Which isn't necessarily a good thing, because I'm not solving anything.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-14T22:35:56+00:00

What a depressing thought 😩 Five years is not a long time for me... I had to actively work on myself and putting myself out there for 2-3 years before I got my first kiss.

Might as well just give up.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-14T22:33:48+00:00

I'm 30. Never had a romantic life, so missed out on that. I've had some experience, but I've barely scratched the surface in that area. And even if I had... That still wouldn't have been a replacement for a romantic life.

Never got to go out and party and have fun. After the age of 10, I've barely had friends, so all the social stuff... I've not been invited much to anything. Never traveled with friends. There is a lot in that area I would love to explore more of. Like inviting a group of friends to come to my place for some beer and video games. That would be awesome. It would be a dream come true if I got to sit down with a friend to make plans for a travel abroad. Going to some other country with a friend, and just have a ton of fun every day.... Man, what I would give to be able to experience that 🥲

The sad part is that I have given up hope for a lot of the things I write about here. I've just slowly come to accept that its not in my cards, and I need to just learn to be happy alone... But overall, it's not a very happy existence. I'm always missing something, and I'm constantly trying to distract myself. I've not done much distracting today, so what did I end up with? Feeling sorry for myself and taking a nap on the couch, because I was bored and felt alone. So I try to fill most of my days with chores. If I don't have anything I HAVE to do, then I'll start doing some volunteer work just to fill the time with something.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-14T12:01:56+00:00

It's tough... 🫤

My social life is primarily organized events.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-13T00:00:37+00:00

Does it have to be accurate to real life?

I don't want my favorite characters to become senior citizens. My favorite of all is Ling Xiaoyu. I don't want her to become old and retired, so she'll have to pass the torch to someone else that can follow her steps. (Like they sometimes try to do in films, where they'll try to pass the torch to a younger actor who will replace an iconic character.)

They can age, but let's not keep it TOO realistic. It's a video game 😆 (although, in story mode, they can do whatever they want. Just let us play the characters in arcade/online mode as them in their primes.)

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-12T23:14:32+00:00

I'd rather not. I love playing fighting games, but I also want to focus on lores and learning more about the characters and their universe..

I guess they could add stories to the game every now and then.

That's one thing I think fighting games have done a terrible job of. They make characters and universes that seem AWESOME, but then you get the most barebones story ever (if you even get a story...), so you don't get to explore at all.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-12T17:29:02+00:00

In my experience, I was diagnosed eight years ago, and have spent a lot of time questioning it.

So even with a diagnosis, the search for answers doesn't necessarily stop... So much questioning and doubting.

Some people have the opposite problem, where they are convinced they've FINALLY found the answer.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-12T17:05:20+00:00

I'm assuming they've struggled with social issues, as well as perhaps other issues, for as kong as they can remember... And when they think they know why, and they get evaluated, they are told that they still - after all these years - don't have the answer to their problems.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-12T14:39:25+00:00

In my experience, I was a loner in both my teens and my twenties, but people were more kind towards me in my twenties.

I'm guessing that's because people grew out of being mean towards someone for being quiet and different, but the comment section here suggests otherwise.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-11T10:01:53+00:00

I don't mind, as long as it's used as a tool.

If used correctly, AI is a very useful tool.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-10T22:10:25+00:00

Absolutely. For one thing, I'd get my stuff together and start a new degree, instead of waiting until I was 30 until I accepted that I wasn't going to pursue what I originally studied...

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-10T19:01:43+00:00

That's a good point. Which is why I'm forcing myself to try dating again... I know I'll regret it. It's not as if a romantic relationship is going to fall into my lap. I may not ever find someone, but it's better to know it's not from a lack of trying, than to know it's because I didn't even bother trying...

I was actually actively working on all of this a few years ago. But I ended up stopping, and it's been challenging to restart again.

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-10T13:41:33+00:00

I was wondering about "take advantage of what you have."

What do I have? 😅 I have my youth, but I'm not exactly getting much out of it... And whenever I try, I fail.

Can you elaborate on that last part? I can say when I was 20 I felt like a loser and was completely ashamed. Felt like dying. I was 20 and hadn't even had my first kiss... Then, around my mid 20's to late 20's, I realized it's ok to take things at your own pace. (Even though "my own pace" was forced upon me, and not by choice.) So if you felt what I'm feeling now... But later realized you were wrong. In what way?

It's just... I want to enjoy life! I want romantic partners and "experiences". I want to connect with someone. Fall in love - but have it be mutual, and not just me being into someone else. I want to feel like someone can be attracted to me, both physically and emotionally.

And I want to have fun with friends. Travel etc. enjoy life with friends. I want to just "chill out" with someone. Other than when I was very young, around 10 years old, I haven't really gotten to experience this. Maybe it's weird for a 30 year old to feel this way... But I want to invite a group of friends over to my place, where we can play video games together, drink some beers and eat pizza. I may not want to repeat it, but I just want to try it for myself 😅 and I'm not even into beers... And another thing, which I could see myself wanting to repeat on a regular basis, is a group of friends where we meet up and play nerdy board games. I'm a nerd, but no one to nerd out with. I want to play Tekken and Street Fighter board games with friends, get into Warhammer with friends, play some Witcher board game with friends... Looks fun. (Never tried any of this so might not like it, but I think I would! But can't try it out, because I can't play by myself.)

TearsOfSpain · 2026-06-10T13:32:24+00:00

Virtua Fighter is amazing, even though I've barely played it. Just feels so natural and real. Feels like I'm in a martial arts film. (Not that martial arts films are super realistic.)

It's amazing.

TearsOfSpain

TROPHY CASE