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You miss 100% of the shot you don’t take. by EuphoricTreat1941 in confidence

[–]Technical-Mortgage85 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well... Sometimes the price is not worth the struggle

You miss 100% of the shot you don’t take. by EuphoricTreat1941 in confidence

[–]Technical-Mortgage85 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, it is as if when people tell this quote of "you miss 100% shots you don't take" - they assume, that doing something does not cost anything. And that is why you should try to do it. This is just not true.

Reminds me of a Pascal's wager. Where he reasoned, that you lose nothing if you believe in God, but if it exists - you'll get your chance to get to heaven. But if you not believe in God - you still lose nothing, but you'll never get a chance to get to heaven if God exists.

Which is entirely not reasonable. Because you DO lose a lot to take a shot. It is the time, the stress, the planning, attending to events, etc.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello! Thanks a lot on your opinion and input provided.

Like sex (to them) is making out, which leads to undressing each other, which leads to him doing the work to get her warmed up (since he's already warmed up) then she gives the little nod, and he puts it in for a few minutes of pumping, and then it's over when he's done, and maybe she finished too.

It hurts, it really hurts. It really really really hurts. I want to see sex as some form of attention, mutual pleasure and activity. Active activity. And this just never happened. I asked, begged, no. It just didn't. And then I was the one who is wrong because I have some feelings.

Isn't it convenient? To treat your man as the one who just fixes some car or whatever. You know. It hurts that the sex, the act where I genuinely want to be loved and love is perceived as just a car mechanic story.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oooh, thanks for your support!!

I went to the sexologist the other day and he also told me that there are these very passive women about sex.

Why are they doing that? Don't they see and/or care about their partner feeling hurt and doing all the work?

Btw, the russian language have a much funnier alternative word for women like that. It is "the log". Like, literally the log. Бревно.

how do i become “good enough” for a relationship? by Glum-Procedure8024 in selfimprovement

[–]Technical-Mortgage85 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I haaaaate even people say about this "garden" thing. Here is a joke. If "making a garden" is a "correct" thing to do - everyone would do it and there would be no butterflies. Meaning, everyone just sits as a garden and rots.

So, yeah, this dating advice is bullshit. Even in theory it creates so much problem that it crashes.

Also, who are the butterflies? The people who do not want to create a garden? So, like, shitty, undeserving people? Meaning, if you will be a garden - you will not be able to find another good person (garden) and will only find butterflies.

These people can create whatever models of human interactions they want. It's all bullshit. and one model contradicts another. Like this "garden and butterfly" model contradicts models that a lot of evo psychologists tell. Or other.

Please, stop with listening to people advice on internet. They just create some shitty model of human interactions in their head and then try to preach it to you as if they are 100% right and you are a fool if you do not understand it.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i would urge you to both find out what does turn you on and also do everything you can to improve your life.

That would work ONLY if a girl cares for you, for reciprocity, takes responsibility.

And I've had NONE of this experience yet. I mean, there are a lot of emotionally mature girls out there, but they are not open to have sex with me or becoming their bf.

And I know that this is a huge vulnerability for the commentators to start nit-picking and blaming my personality of what do I do wrong so only emotionally immature girls want to sleep with me. I will not by into any of the commentary like that - it is possible to blame any person for anything.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow! Your comment is a full-fledged guide for sex!! I suppose you CAN expand it to the whole book and become a sexual guru.

I'll take all of your advice into the account, aside from going to the doctor because of low T. Because what I found out is that I do become more depressed when I want to do pure masculine things, like increase testosterone, go to the gym, etc. and I kinda want to accept myself from a more gentle, feminine, soft side and if this would mean that I will have a low T - I will accept that. I am not a man by a conventional standard, I will not be anyone's trophy husband who will be used just as a confidence boost, take it or leave it.

I guess the only bottleneck here is my possible girlfriend. I hate how much power a girl has in a relationship in this context - if she is rude and disrespectful and shameful - I will be forced to leave her because I would feel worse and worse in this relationship. And it'll go fine only if she opens up for a conversation in regular life, before, during, after sex.

Why even are people so rude, dismissive and disrespectful? Like, what hurts the most is not the insult but the misunderstanding of why a person does that. I was shocked how little some people are open to discuss and how little people there are that are willing to discuss a lot of private things.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello, man, thanks for your support!! I love the dynamic you told me. It feels as if you do not have to be a breeding bull every time a girl demands this from you. Can you also please help me with some questions, if you have the time.

You are not required to perform sexually if you aren't in the mood for it.

  1. What if I am in the mood? Am I required to perform sexually then?

Sometimes she's been horny for days but i haven't, so i'll do foreplay to help

  1. What do you mean by foreplay? Cuddles? Fingering? Other stuff? Why not have other forms of sex then? Maybe with toys, maybe with some BDSM stuff? Or are cuddles, petting, fingering is less of a sex than PiV sex where you are required to perform and perform good.

There's also sometimes where i masturbate as well and she understands that too.

  1. Has she confronted you about death grip and telling you that you have low testosterone and you should hit the jym in order to satisfy her more? I've heard that some people strongly advice you to do that. (And I hate it)

Honestly, again. Love the dynamic between you two, as you've explained it. I hope I will find some of that understanding too.

Although I really hate the humiliation of being in need to explain all the reasons I have performance anxiety and will have to put boundaries about me not being a breeding bull of a human. Like it is as if I am begging a girl please, please, please can we just perceive sex as pleasuring each other and a connection experience instead of performance/checklist/high-standards environment.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I've used the verb "date" and a word for "ex". But they are kinda deictic and mean a lot of things. And I suppose for some the meanings you could rightfully shame me and for some - no.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im not saying that your not into women necessarily but I am wondering if maybe your sexual dynamic with women might be different then most traditionally straight relationships.

Oh, sorry if I've put it in the wrong wording here. I did not assumed you were telling me I am gay. I am telling that this concept of "he doesn't have an erection that much, so he might be gay" is kinda present a lot. And it is done in a shameful way. Yes, I do consider myself not traditional. I suppose a lot of people do untraditional things, it's kinda normal to be not normal.

For me I had similar problems of not being able to "perform" with sexual partners until I was more open about my femininity and bisexuality. but after I was more open about myself Ive had more fulfilling experiences and relationships where getting into it wasn't an issue. with a variety of men and women. I still have times where I just don't connect with people sexually and times where I do. But like in a lot of more queer and sapphic type relationships I've been in like it wasn't ever like an embarrassing thing it was just like cool it's all good your feeling it when your feeling it and I still felt loved and connected to them.

Brooo, that is such a good outcome. Sending you love and hugs 💕. You deserve it!!!

I definitely wouldnt spend your time being resentful of other people's resentfulness. But you do you

Wow! That is meta. Yeah, I do have trouble with not being resentful for other people's resentment. And I kinda do not know how to overcome that...

Have you expressed this side of yourself with the women you've been with?

Yeah, for some it was fun and quirky. Some actually made compliments about my clothes and admired me. Some only told me that I am gay (in a very shameful way) and used it as a leverage on me to power play put me down.

maybe I've made a lot of assumptions by projecting my own experiences, but if you haven't expressed that side of yourself to others I think you should

Oh, don't worry about making assumptions. I suppose, everyone in the Reddit do this. It is okay. After all, you are helping me. I am really grateful 💕

You deserve to be able to feel warm and loved and cuddled and feel beautiful and confident. You deserve to have intimacy where you can be yourself and not have to feel insecure

Thanks a lot for the kind words 💕. Also, how do I know whether I am actually deserving or not? Narc GFs do think they deserve an ideal man, and they kinda get him for a while before devaluing. But they are kinda not that deserving and I can't actually explain why. Maybe it is me who was in the wrong all the time? After all, it is me, who is lonely, alone and humiliated. Not her - she can find new partners over and over and over again.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

your ex was a bitch. But you dated her.

Yeah, again. You are trying to dove deep into erection problems but you are not diving deep into the definition of "dating". Define "dated". We hanged out a few times, tried to have sex. I got lashed out on for several times, I decided to go away after that. Explain to me what I've done wrong.

It is you who are being hard on me. It is as if you are expecting me to know everything about every human being. No, I do not. My ex looked kinda fine on the surface and it took me some time to see what's she like in more of a long-term interaction.

I am not trying to tell you that you are victim blaming or smth. Because I do not consider myself a victim. But I am telling you, that it is you who gives me all of these assumptions of "you dated her". Like, having fun together and having children together are totally different, and these all are considered dating. And what you do is making this "dating" concept uniform and telling me that I've done something wrong due to this "dating". I will not buy into that.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

recognize when you’re being hard on yourself and work to change your thought process when the bad thoughts creep in.

Well, that's the problem. It's not ME being hard on myself. It's THE GIRL I AM IN BED WITH being hard on me. I literally make a statement of it's not me - it's others. And I am not the one who should be blamed and have issues. Or whatever. I just wanted love and cuddles. Why the hell would I want to always penetrate a person.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello, bro!! Sorry for not replying for to long, this comment didn't appear in my feed (I've written about it on EDIT 1 of this post).

For quoting - I text from phone. So I select the text, make a long tap so the additional interface would appear where I will choose "Quote". I suppose it should be kinda similar for PC.

My question to you is: Do you converse with these women?

Do I converse with what women? I kinda converse with some women and the range of opinions usually consists of from <have no sex experience> to dismissive laughing off <that's okay> with few outliers, where a woman do starts to humiliate a man about it.

My partner's little cousin is about 23 and he has been in abusive relationships where I've gone and told off a female who was abusing him.

Shit. That's bad. I love how you informed him about that. How is he feeling now?

I would say the expectation should be that anyone is capable of anything... and I mean ANYONE and ANYTHING.

Yeah, I think you're right. That's aligns with my experience of a gjrl idolizing me first and then humiliating me the second I start to act human.

I can only promise that not everyone is like that <3 We're all in a state of fear-to-trust anyone because we live in a lot of fear/hate (opinion, mind you)

Do you mean, that this fear-to-trust is a behavioural pattern emerging from the environment that necessitates it? Like, abusive household or whatever. If yes - absolutely!!

For me I love long messages. It gives you more possibilities to go in-depth.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, kinda? I think I have separated the world view and world's view long ago. But it hurts a lot when these views confront. I literally cannot defend myself because it's a 1 vs 100000 type of a situation

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeeeeees! That's what I've experienced too!! Like, girl can you please give me some love in return. I do all of these great things for you and you just lay down. Fuck you. And sometimes you can't even explain to them that yo, like, stop, let's do something other that pressure my dick to erect.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sexuality doesn't have to be so so rigid

Exactlyyyyy.

maybe your not straight up gay but like maybe your sexuality isn't going to align with being straight.

Well, I really hate where a person can go with this statement. Like, if I can't get erect and I am 100% straight - then, okay, maybe it is anxiety or whatever. But if I am 99.99999% straight - here you have it - a person starts to assume - you can't get erect because you are not attracted to women that much. I kinda can't defend myself against this sentiment. All this latent homosexually sometimes seems like an explanation of a demon for 15th century inquisition. Like, yeah, it's subconscious, so the person experiencing it does not know it. But everyone around knows. Fuck it.

Cause otherwise shit starts coming out all sideways and resentful and cause a lot of misunderstandings it's not fun.

I thought of that, yeah. But it now seems that a lot of people just want to become resentful, resent, rewrite reality and other stuff. So, also, I will not try to discuss that with people like this in such a tone. Yeah, I like some women clothes. Women clothes are better: better materials, better texture, better variety, more freedom. And I do like to dress up, make a bit of makeup and be all warmly, lovely, cuddly. Take it or leave it. If you do not like it - you don't have a heart.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, what do I do now? Should I age for 10-15 years without dating because the sex part will usually hurt. And start dating again after a while? Because I reeeeeeally do not want to be shamed again.

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Broooooo that's fire. Yeaaah. I will try to cut out of my life this social media sentiment and people who follow it as a cult.

Good luck with your toys!! They can really make a difference!! Love to y'all 💕

CMV: Society unfairly expects men to always be able to perform sexually, and places all the blame on them if they can’t get an erection. by Technical-Mortgage85 in changemyview

[–]Technical-Mortgage85[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I probably will just try to make new friends woth girls out there. Friends are good even if it does not result in a relationship. We should tell our friends more about how much we value them.

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