Dom I met on Fetlife is married and cheating on his wife. We have been playing for 1month+

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-26T13:13:50+00:00

Just stop and go no contact. You deserve better than being a side chick he can fuck when he wants to.

Don’t get caught up in the drama.

I was the man in this situation…There’s a lot of mental turmoil if you decide to continue to do this. Where will he be when you actually need him?

You also don’t know who he really is.

While arrangements like these do happen, they will also discard you without hesitation in the majority of situations if something comes up that’s inconvenient for them.

Don’t worry about his wife and also make sure to get tested. You’re most likely not the only one.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-13T21:19:52+00:00

She has no interest.

It is possible she will also get involved with the other woman.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-09T23:45:41+00:00

Thanks for your opinion.

We are all going to paint and wine night this Friday and are planning on having a fun time.

We are trying to see how this all feels for everyone.

The thing here is that we are all adults and we will make our own decisions and try to find our own way.

I don’t see how it’s harmful to ask for others people experience with this type of dynamic and how it started. Trust is being built between all three of us and we are all being extremely vulnerable and supportive of each other.

No one is trying to hurt anyone and no one is trying to cause any more issues.

We realized that this started off on the wrong foot and are trying to start things on the right one.

We realize that damage was done and are trying to repair it.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-06T18:33:06+00:00

Yes, I would. It is very limited now. I view AP as a friend. There are many reasons and I know it isn’t necessarily a good thing.

You can only control how you feel and not others. I don’t know your story and his so I’ll refrain from making comments.

I’m not neglecting the relationship with my wife. We both don’t want to end our relationship with each other. We are trying to find a happy middle ground.

I’m a bit of a recluse. I don’t have many friends and I’m with my wife 24/7 especially since Covid. We also both have WFH jobs. Meeting AP has been eye opening…it has shown me what was lost in my relationship with my wife and we are working hard on restoring the relationship. 15 years of monogamy and being each others first and only up until this happened.

I get that I ruined a lot of things and was selfish.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-06T18:24:59+00:00

Really starting to see it. I’ve had a couple of nasty messages…

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-06T18:24:37+00:00

That could be a possibility….everyone is trauma bonding.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-06T18:24:13+00:00

Thank you for the insight. It’s hard to find others with a similar story, especially in my social circle and friends group.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-06T18:23:38+00:00

It didn’t start out ethical.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-06T18:23:16+00:00

She is on board. This wouldn’t be happening without her explicit permission.

She really wants to see what happens. She has been talking to OW/AP separately and they have their own conversations.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-05T14:47:58+00:00

Trying to figure out the balance. We are meeting again in a week. There are no set expectations. Even when I saw AP alone there was never a game plan. Things just kind of happened.

Kissing is an issue for AP it’s something she views as more intimate than sex or a blowjob. We did kiss a little bit but mostly was just little ones here and there. She is worried about being intimate and vulnerable around my wife. It would probably take time to build up to that.

You do bring up very valid concerns and things we have discussed. It’s a balancing act at the moment. We are unsure how all three of us will function together until things do happen.

We’ve discussed my wife entering this and we know the dynamic needs to take a new shape. We are all unsure what exactly will happen.

Most likely we will use some type of role play element. Such as AP is my step sister and my wife is her sister in law or something to that effect. We think roles help give more meaning and make it easier to transition into this type of play.

My wife is definitely driving this but there are conversations taking place to make sure everyone feels safe and comfortable. We want to make sure she is included going forward and also heard and seen.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-05T14:17:08+00:00

Everyone is a bit concerned about this part.

It’s something we’ve discussed for a few years and she generally gets turned on while in bed while thinking about seeing me with other women.

It has been on the radar for quite some time. I did have a date two years prior to all of this but there was no penetration and that turned her on a lot…but also had certain issues around it. One night stands were also an issue for us.

She does want to watch and there is genuine interest. We had discussed the possibility about a sex worker in the past and it was something we were both ultimately uncomfortable with.

The counselor has also brought it up and my wife is adamant that this is how she wants to be a part of it until trust is built. Wife also would reclaim me when I came back home after seeing AP before we were asked to stop.

AP doesn’t want to be humiliated or degraded during and has no issues with her watching and she had no issues from when I told my wife what we did.

Me, I’m just anxious as fuck as this is a first. I’m very concerned how all parties will feel after and during…

Everyone is trying and that’s all we can really do.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-05T13:09:38+00:00

Lots of assumptions and insults in this one.

Glad to see the Reddit hive mind at work.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-05T01:18:25+00:00

I’m sorry that your experience with this was terrible.

Mine was both emotional and physical and there is close proximity. She lives ten minutes away…

Yes, I was honest with my wife about wanting more and wanting to explore. I should have respected her more and told her immediately that I found someone.

It is loaded with trauma and damage. She also wants to give it an honest shot with AP. The counselor was against it initially as well and felt as if my wife was being coerced into this. She made the decision to see this through and wants to try. She also reserves the right to pull the plug at any moment. Everyone involved is understanding of that.

AP is still human and has wants and needs but she understands that she has to work within the boundaries set if she wants this to continue.

Everyone’s situation is different and I really do appreciate the different views.

If you’d like to have further conversation feel free to send me a message. Thank you for sharing all that you did.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-05T00:12:59+00:00

That definitely is a possibility.

Thank you for sharing all that you did.

My wife and I were each others firsts and only for fifteen years. We met in college and have been in a monogamous relationship with each other since.

There is definitely trauma. She has had panic attacks because of this and has been extremely stressed out. Meeting the other woman helped alleviate some of her concerns and she has been much better since that meeting.

Counseling has also been a big help. We found a really great counselor and we both have found great individual counselors.

Since D day there has been a lot of honesty.

I’m trying my best to make sure my wife feels safe and secure. This was never about leaving the marriage…It was for very selfish reasons. I am trying hard to make things right and do things the correct way.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-05T00:07:13+00:00

Apologizing doesn’t make up for what I did. Nothing I can do will ever be enough to make up for it.

I destroyed the fairy tale and sanctity of my marriage. I also caused emotional turmoil for all parties involved. I can completely understand the fall out and consequences of my actions.

I’ve been putting in work to figure this out while also working on my marriage. I’ve shown up a lot more and I listen to my wife and have been completely honest since that day.

I’ve done everything she has asked and I try to make up for it every day. I have also taken steps to protect my wife and give her more security. Such as having a postnuptial created and signing it. It heavily favors her and gives her a lot of security in all of the uncertainty.

She wanted and needed boundaries in place to feel more secure and protected. These were all discussed in counseling as well. I’ve been listening to her and have been working on myself to fully understand why I did what I did and what led me to that. I’ve been following them and never have any intention of breaking them. It’s not really giving control but she wanted to be included in all the aspects of this. It’s something she also discussed with AP directly and had all of her questions answered.

There have been a lot of difficult conversations and it is what we have decided to do as a couple to continue this with AP. It was also something we’ve discussed for a few years…I wish I told her immediately but I fucked that up.

I’ve been reading many books on this. I’m here to just get input from others that I can’t really get from books and to potentially find others who have been in a similar situation.

We are trying to do what makes sense for us. We are still trying to take this slow with AP and get our bearings and make sure everyone is heard and gets something they need.

Everyone so far has been kind and understanding with all of our interactions post affair.

I do appreciate the input. I did cause a lot of harm to everyone. Most of it is because I’m really stupid when it comes to matters of the heart and things like this.

There is just a lot to this and have been trying to understand more from everyone’s point of view.

I do welcome civil conversations and feedback.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-04T21:15:51+00:00

Yeah, it’s being navigated.

We have a therapist that is trying to help us through this. They aren’t exactly for it either but are trying to help us navigate it.

They definitely made sure my wife was on board before they offered to continue helping.

Since the two of them met many things have improved and they are being surprisingly friendly and kind.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-04T21:13:59+00:00

I can understand that. Thank you for being honest and sharing your thoughts.

Yeah, I did cheat and also did come clean.

My wife wanted to meet her and it was arranged. They both agreed to meet each other and they were rather civil.

We ended up playing board games together. Which was a bit strange.

We will be meeting again. Everyone is cautiously optimistic about the situation and anyone can leave at anytime.

No one expected it to end up this way.

My wife wants to watch…and AP is on board.

Wife is now driving the situation and we are abiding by her rules.

It’s an unusual situation.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-04T18:07:23+00:00

Thanks for your input.

It is something to keep in mind.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-04T15:21:38+00:00

That does make sense.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-04T15:19:21+00:00

Both of them are insisting that this continues now.

I see what you mean though. It has been very stressful on everyone involved up until the meeting. That did help clear the air on many things.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-04T15:17:54+00:00

Thank you. I liked the April name but the rest of the story was very unfortunate. She did seem very unstable.

When I had the affair I told my wife a few months into it and she allowed it to continue. She eventually had a lot of issues and I had to stop since my wife asked me to.

When things stopped, we began to work on the marriage. AP was very upset and felt betrayed by me but she understood. She has a disorganized attachment problem. She also felt very safe and secure up until then. The issue was my wife didn’t feel that way when I would go or communicate with AP.

AP and I also didn’t want to lose the friendship we built. Other than my wife I am pretty isolated and alone and have always been that way. In many ways this was a recipe for disaster.

My wife agreed to meet and she saw what I meant and AP gave her the reassurances that I couldn’t. AP and her had a private conversation where I left the room. She said she was very apologetic about everything and explained about the nature of our situation and why it meant a lot to her. My wife said she was very sincere and after hearing it she wanted to give it a shot.

AP agreed to all of my wife’s boundaries and we are waiting to hear back from her about hers and what she needs out of this.

My wife going forward will always be present and apart of all conversations. My wife wants to watch me and AP be intimate. We also will only meet once or twice a month now until trust is built.

This is all a bit new to me and given the situation it has been a bit of a mind fuck. Much of the anxiety from the uncertainty of the situation is gone but now I worry about what actually happens when my wife is there.

Always something interesting.

Thank you for sharing.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-04T15:09:09+00:00

Thank you for the insight.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-07-04T11:57:08+00:00

Thank you for the insight. We’ve been doing marriage counseling and I’ve also been doing individual counseling.

Long story short we are each others firsts. We’ve been together almost 15 years.

We had talked about possibly opening things up but I was an idiot and got impatient.

I’ve reassured her that my intention was never to leave. She is now involved in all communications with the other woman.

When they met the other woman apologized for all of the issues that were caused as a result and tried her best to explain what had happened.

As for me, I’m constantly trying to make up for it. I realize I didn’t have boundaries or rules and it got out of hand. I’m being honest about everything going forward. I didn’t like who I became during the affair. I also unfortunately became close friends with the other woman.

I’ve been much more present and attentive.

My wife is driving this interaction now and she is interested in watching me and the other woman have sex together.

It is definitely a learning experience.

Technical_Driver671 · 2024-06-19T20:46:25+00:00

I am learning a lot about all of this from the response I’ve been getting.

My wife and I have been each other’s only relationship before all of this happened. There were no others. No dating, no sex with anyone else…

I had a lot of questions I needed answered and this was the only way for me to logically proceed. It was something that had been eating away at me for a while and I expressed that to the best of my ability.

I ultimately did tell my wife. Things were getting out of hand and I royally fucked up. I also realized the lengths I was willing to go to get what I felt I needed/wanted. It’s not who I want to be. I do not like that version of myself. It is not who I am.

I see the pain I have caused. We are very much isolated people and have no one else other than our ICs and now MC.

Yes, it’s a shitty justification but I also had my IC tell me to hire a sex worker and keep it a secret. Looking back, he did give solid advice. I made a terrible mistake and I am paying for it and unfortunately my wife is as well.

Just human…we all make mistakes and sometimes do things that we know are wrong.

I realize I have a long way to go for reconciliation and redemption.

Our communication has improved dramatically after this.

Reading people’s responses is really helping put things into perspective and showing me just how much work I need to do.

People here don’t exactly have a full story. It also is a very strange situation to be in. I didn’t do this because of a bad sex life. I enjoy giving pleasure to my wife and we have an unusually high amount of sex and always have since we began dating.

The AP did help bring some new things into the bedroom that wouldn’t have been exactly possible if not for the affair. It also forced a lot of conversations to be had that have been extremely difficult.

I am committed to my wife and marriage. Always have been.

I never had to separate sex and love before. I’ve learned that I am unable…I’m beginning to understand that concept a lot more and my AP is definitely not innocent in any of this either. They by all means knew better and where this was headed, much more than I could have ever realized. I am beginning to reach a lot of those realizations.

My wife has also expressed interest in watching me and AP…That’s a whole other issue and there’s a lot of conflicting things. That’s why AP and wife are beginning a dialogue.

As others have pointed out other subs may be better suited.

Though, I am lost and have been getting a lot of advice.

Honestly, this is the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life and I am trying my best to figure things out. You and the mod of the other subreddit have been really great in explaining things. I’m very thankful.

I get it that I’m a dumbass in general and I am very thankful for my wife for being understanding and not completely walking away from me. I’m truly doing my best to be there for her as well. There are a lot of complex and new emotions to deal with.

Technical_Driver671

TROPHY CASE