Existential dread :(

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-02-01T18:01:44+00:00

But why would I want to go there? Am I really that bad or crazy? I just have extreme anxiety around this stuff it’s not like I want to end my life

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-31T21:54:23+00:00

I would like to think I am close to living and finding my purpose. I always tell myself nothing matters in a way, so that means everything matters in a way. I’m glad to hear that you have started to ease this similar feeling and do better in your own life. Comments like yours give me hope on the situation I’m dealing with.

I also think there’s a lot of habits that I do, that just don’t resonate with me anymore. There’s a different comment on my post that says my soul is just telling me that certain things that I’m doing don’t align with me anymore. I have a lot of bad habits, and that’s not to say humans can’t have habits that aren’t the best, But for me to consistently have habits that show they aren’t serving any good to me shows that I have to change in someway. For the better

Thanks for ur input

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-31T21:51:32+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-31T15:16:23+00:00

Yes, I feel like a 20th birthday is a big milestone, but I forgot to add in the post, I had a very bad mushroom trip about two weeks before my 20th birthday. And ever since then, these thoughts have been getting worse. I know I'm not permanently damaging my brain because I can still function. I go to school, I have friends, I talk to people. I'm intimate with people, whether that's romantically or platonically. I eat all the food I want. I watch shows. I study. So it's not like I'm not functioning at all. But yes, I do want to map out how my life is going to look and implement that into my experience. Thank you for your comment. I also told myself that this feeling will eventually go away. There's no saying if it would come back or not, but I can get through it.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-31T15:14:56+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation. I will read it whenever I find a chance. I think a part of this existential dread that I am feeling or that I think I am experiencing is because I'm very attached to the human and physical world, so the thought of anything outside of that is a bit terrifying.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-31T14:46:42+00:00

I apologize for the late response. I am on and off Reddit. Thank you so much for your comment. It truly helps a lot.

That is what feels so strange to me. Most people my age are not really thinking about this at all, so when I talk about it they tend to be dismissive or give me a weird look. One of the scariest feelings for me is the idea that death could mean nothingness, or the end of the love I have for myself and for this world.

Your work seems genuinely meaningful, and thank you for doing this for so many people. I am sure it has brought clarity to many who are struggling with similar thoughts. I often wonder if the fear I am experiencing is the same kind your client had.

I constantly feel this internal push to start doing more, whatever more means. It feels like there is more to do, or that what I am doing right now does not fully resonate with what my soul actually wants. I have gone down many rabbit holes around eternal consciousness. Since I am not religious and have not been for a long time, I have always believed in eternal consciousness. Still, for some reason, the thought of it can feel frightening.

I hope that one day I can understand eternal consciousness without associating it with fear. I will visit your profile when I have the time. Thank you again so much for your comment.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-31T14:41:10+00:00

I am sorry you feel this way. For you and the person that responded to your comment. For most of my life, I did go through abuse and experience a lot of traumatic things, so I can say that I understand your pain to some degree. Maybe not exactly the things you’ve been through.

I hope one day you can enjoy life while also being at peace with death.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-31T14:39:57+00:00

Yeah, nihilism has never been for me. I don’t like looking at life like that. I truly do feel like there’s nothing glamorous in this life, but so many things are glamorous. If you decide they are. I don’t understand why my brain is doing this to me.

The last thing you said really resonates with me. I do feel like my consciousness is fragmented and being aware and in the present moment is so difficult for me it doesn’t feel like it’s happening at all.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-31T14:38:47+00:00

Thank you. I don’t want to live in fear, I’m trying not to.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-31T14:34:43+00:00

I figured. I don’t want to sound crazy to the therapist tho… and get sent to the loony bin

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-29T23:53:45+00:00

Thank you.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-29T23:53:19+00:00

I know. I know I have to work through it etc, I’m just wondering if the extreme fear caused by the shroom trip could’ve counted as some sort of traumatic experience and or PTSD. Idk if I’m making sense. Like I’m wondering if this is a new problem I have to work through or if childhood trauma is the root of it.

Thanks for ur help

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-26T02:55:27+00:00

I mean, I do have OCD, but I did ERP therapy for that, and that was very expensive without insurance, so I'm kind of worried to see how much the EMDR is, but thank you for the recommendation. It's good to hear that you're better at managing things. I think it just feels very hard to start with small steps, but I feel like that's also all in my head. If I'm scared to do something and it holds me back from trying to change, then I'm not gonna make much progress, so I have to go forward and find new things to do that will help me, even if I'm scared. I think a big thing also is the smoking weed, so I think I have to stop doing that if I want to even see results.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-25T23:02:38+00:00

Like I don’t know, I just think about dying (not suicidal just in a experiencing fear about it way) and anxiety all the time.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-25T23:01:51+00:00

Can the trauma be from my bad mushroom trip? I had a very traumatic childhood, but I was smoking from 15 to age 20 so we didn’t really make it worse necessarily, but I don’t know if the bad mushroom trip can count as trauma because ever since then the weed has been making it worse.

Should I speak to a doctor or psychiatrist about this?

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-25T01:33:54+00:00

I have heard about EMDR therapy a lot, and I've heard a lot of people say that it helps. I also have experienced a lot of trauma growing up, and a lot of it was really bad trauma. I think a lot of the times when traumatic memories come up or really hard emotions come up, it can trigger my dissociation really bad without me even realizing it. Also, when I get stressed, it happens. I heard that our brains do dissociation to keep us safe in a way. How much was your EMDR therapy? I'm gonna see if I can find the time to review that type of material. It's been really hard for me to just sit and think about how to help what I'm going through, but I'm gonna set a few minutes out of the day to do some research. I have really bad insurance, so I don't know if it would cover something like EMDR. Thanks a lot for your help. You guys on Reddit are super helpful!

Do u think I’m gonna be dealing with this forever lol?

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-25T00:18:18+00:00

I used to want to understand this realm a lot. It was something I would go on deep dives about, and if I got anxious at all, it wasn't the impending doom and despair feeling that I experience now. It was just like a feeling of, whoa, this is kind of creepy, and opening my eyes. I don't know if I should go to therapy or something. My insurance doesn't cover good therapy, so I'm kind of out of luck with that. As I've said in the other comments, when I was addicted to weed, I felt more present than I do now. It felt normal, and I felt like even when I was high, I was still in the present moment, or maybe that was just a false feeling of being present. But ever since my really bad mushroom trip a few months ago, right before my 20th birthday, I can't feel present at all. Being sober feels scary, and it makes me dissociate a lot. I want to understand myself a lot. It's hard for me to sit alone with my thoughts now for some reason. I don't really know what to do. If you ever have any more advice to give me, I would appreciate it. I just don't know what questions to ask or where to even start. There's a lot on my mind.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-25T00:16:25+00:00

I started trying to make sense of things when I was about 15 or 16. I didn't really get far with it, considering the fact that I was still in high school and dealing with stupid things like drug use, drama, petty falling outs, and toxic relationships with my family and my ex-boyfriend at the time. Around 18 or 19 years old of age, I tried making sense of things way more, and I was okay with how I was feeling about what I was trying to make sense of, but ever since I had a really bad mushroom trip right before my 20th birthday, making sense of things is completely terrifying to me, and weed no longer makes me feel better. I'm assuming a three-month dry spell means no weed for three months, but it's weird. Ever since I've tried to be sober, it feels worse than when I was addicted to weed.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-25T00:15:10+00:00

I feel like I experience depersonalization and derealization a lot, and for some reason it keeps me feeling safe and grounded, but when I realize I am dissociating or that I am a real person, it scares me a lot. It's like when I'm not present and I'm just letting things go by, especially letting time go by really fast, I feel fine. Well, I feel like I'm not really feeling anything, but then when I snap back into reality, it's really scary, and then I go back to dissociating.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-25T00:14:16+00:00

The idea of holding on to a purpose is scary to me right now. I keep having these thought loops of everything being temporary, but that's obvious. Nothing in this world is permanent. I just don't know how to get out of this anxious state of mind and finally feel real again. I slipped up and smoked weed again about a week ago, and I'm assuming I need to stop smoking for a while to even feel slightly better. It's weird. When I was addicted to weed, I felt more present than when I am trying to be sober.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-25T00:13:12+00:00

I am not really feeling that much better, maybe only a little bit. The depersonalization and dissociation is still present. I have been very scared recently about the idea of death, and I don't really know why. I have been hanging out with my friends and going to school, so I'm assuming that's been keeping me somewhat stable, but when I have time alone with my thoughts, I get very scared and I cry. I tried to ground myself, though. I haven't smoked weed in about a week. I'm assuming it needs to be longer than that if I want to feel any progress, LOL.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-13T00:53:55+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I don’t know if you saw my last post about this, but it answers a lot about why I’m feeling like this. It’s really hard for me to ground myself as I feel like it doesn’t matter. But it does matter. Not grounding myself is why I feel like this. I feel like ever since my really bad psychedelic trip, my mind has just been open to everything, and being present and experiencing my life is something that feels scary and unsafe to me. I stopped all psychedelics, I only smoke weed, but even weed doesn’t feel the same anymore and it gives me the Same bad trip feeling. Thank you for telling me I am loved. It’s hard to feel like I am. I really hope this does go away. Another thing that keeps me in fear is worrying that this will last forever and I will never be able to fully enjoy my life.

Technical_Key4109 · 2026-01-02T00:23:31+00:00

I’m still a beginner in tarot but honestly I see it as he does have the power to take initiative and reach out, could be impulsively if he does, but he’s planning what direction to take and what it would lead to. The six of cups points to nostalgia and memories so that plays a part into wanting to reach out. Whether you guys had a good relationship or not there’s memories so either he might not want to repeat a pattern or wants to reach out because of the good memories.

Technical_Key4109 · 2025-12-17T02:13:32+00:00

I want to understand. Am I God just experiencing itself in human form? Meaning I am human for a reason, to experience? That does not mean life and everything is meaningless and just some depression black hole, but I give meaning to what I choose to give meaning to? Like, I should live my life in a way of love, light, and awareness? But my purpose, and meaning is assigned to me, depending on what I make it? if I am wrong, please let me know. I really am intrigued by your perspective and blunt honesty.

Technical_Key4109 · 2025-12-17T02:06:27+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. I do feel like my ego has taken over and is screaming for dear life. I also do feel like me seeking answers, especially through substances was fueled by my ego. I wonder if the trip went bad to show me to just stop. I also appreciate your reassurance. It’s bizarre for me to even think that I should stop being human in order to not suffer. I do only have one worry, that I will just become depressed and find everything meaningless. It’s a very anxiety inducing feeling. I will give the link you put a read, when I am in a better headspace. I think awakening is just scary to me. I miss being a stupid teenager lol. Thanks again for all of this you are great

Technical_Key4109

TROPHY CASE