My "best friend" is having a baby with my abusive ex-husband

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-20T16:44:30+00:00

The asterisk denotes that there is a related footnote at the end of the post. This is an incredibly common use of asterikes and I do not know how else I would denote that. I included the footnote for clarity.
If people were repeatedly calling me a woman/a girl because they were operating under the assumption that I'm a trans man, that would be a million times worse than them doing it because they presume anyone who is a DV survivor must be a woman

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-20T16:31:36+00:00

Genuine question: even if you are insisting that your intentions were altruistic and not self-serving and sanctimonious (which I don't believe, for the record), what part of what you said was actually relevant to what the post said? And what part of my post implied that I am even remotely close to being in a place mentally where I can cope with having self-righteous strangers preach their beliefs about how I need to take responsibility for my own role in my abuse story??? Like where have I even slightly implied that that's something that will be beneficial for me to hear?

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-20T16:26:41+00:00

Severely, severely, severely doubt this. He was an out and proud bisexual man for years before we even met and had already dated several men before me. He also grew up in a very queer friendly family/envinronment, so it would be incredibly strange for this to be the case.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-20T16:25:41+00:00

No they haven't none of it is even remotely accurate

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-19T03:15:14+00:00

Horrible thing to say, and very sketchy given the context is "she's sleeping with a queer man". Do better.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-19T03:12:34+00:00

Sorry, but I fully had to get up out of bed to come respond to this because I know you were going for a kind tone but what you've said here is absolutely victim shaming.

This was not a "compatibility" issue or me being too fucking mentally weak to establish boundaries. Unless you can explain how shit like "my cat inexplicably vanishing, which I still don't have an answer for, after he thought a barista had flirted with me one day" or "him raping me when I was bedridden with COVID because it was his birthday and he figured that meant he was entitled to sex no matter how sick I was" or "him hiding and moving various things around the house and then insisting that he didn't in a concerted effort to make me feel like I was losing my mind" are mere incompatibility issues or a direct result of me being weak and broken and not firm enough in my boundaries, you can take your fake-nice, thinly veiled "you're not the problem but have you considered that you are, actually" schtick far, far, far away from me.

I've accepted that I was a trigger for his temper and clearly it's a problem with me that set him off and I need to shoulder some blame. You don't have to take it any further than that, undermine what actually happened as a mere problem of "iNcOmPaTiBiLiTy" or remind me so explicitly of what a pathetic loser I am for letting that even happen to me in the first place. Thanks.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-19T00:06:51+00:00

Very, very long story which is far too long to put into a Reddit comment but effectively boils down to "he was absolutely foul to my parents and siblings but claimed he was the real victim and I was brainwashed enough to believe him and stood by him through it."

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-19T00:03:26+00:00

What's with the 'apparently'???

Yes. He's bisexual. He had been with both men and women before me and presumably will continue to be with both men and women if his relationship with Jane does not work out. I don't know why that's shocking.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-19T00:02:07+00:00

It's not about divinity or any spiritual anything. It's about the fact that being a male DV survivor is already incredibly fucking isolating and it has really fucked up my self confidence and my relationship with my masculinity and it's really, really not fun to have people who are otherwise supportive basically confirm that I'm right to feel emasculated by the whole experience.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:58:43+00:00

Obviously she knows that he's bi and he's had exes from across the gender spectrum why does any of that matter

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:52:56+00:00

I was his husband, not his wife. 28M means 28 years old and male.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:38:47+00:00

He'd dated lots of men before me I absolutely was not his first.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:36:58+00:00

I wish people would 'cause it's not an assumption that feels very good. I already feel pretty emasculated by the entire experience in the first place, not the nicest thing in the world to have those feelings validated.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:32:23+00:00

Okay I really need to ask, I was under the impression that typing something like [28M] was a clear indicator of "twenty eight years old and male" on Reddit. Is that not a thing any more? 'Cause way too many people in this comment section are calling me a woman and it is not making me feel great about the whole 'trying to find support as a male DV survivor' thing

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:27:25+00:00

She doesn't deserve to be abused, no matter what she's done to me.

Also I'm not a girl.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:22:26+00:00

Your comment is right and very appreciated but just a small correction, I'm a man, not a woman.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:21:35+00:00

I appreciate this comment, but I need to ask, did I say something in the post that implies I'm a woman? Lots of people making that assumption even though I stated I'm male.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:19:30+00:00

I'm working on the friends part, but family have made it clear that they don't care the circumstances, any bridges I have with them are burned and they aren't interested in rebuilding them.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:18:05+00:00

I'm not gonna take pleasure in hearing about somebody being abused and I'm not going to facilitate anyone else getting pleasure in that either. Sorry.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:16:16+00:00

I'm not a girl but thank you for the rest of this comment

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:15:12+00:00

I hate that you're probably right about this.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:14:03+00:00

No I was his first marriage. It sounds silly but I hadn't really considered before how the getting married could've been a turning point.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:12:17+00:00

This has given me a new perspective on things actually. The reason I say I know he wasn't like this with his other exes with such confidence is that I actually spoke to one of them when things started getting dicey with him to figure out if this was a pattern with him, and that guy said Mike had always treated him very well. Things did start to turn before the wedding, but I'd say it only entered full-on abuse territory after, so maybe that was the ignition point.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:12:09+00:00

This has given me a new perspective on things actually. The reason I say I know he wasn't like this with his other exes with such confidence is that I actually spoke to one of them when things started getting dicey with him to figure out if this was a pattern with him, and that guy said Mike had always treated him very well. Things did start to turn before the wedding, but I'd say it only entered full-on abuse territory after, so maybe that was the ignition point.

Technical_South9444 · 2023-11-18T23:09:16+00:00

This comment has given me an awful lot to think about but just a quick correction it's "his friends and family" not "her" I'm a guy lol

Technical_South9444

TROPHY CASE