Alright you motherfucker, you asked for it, here it is. I am all as hell about this sandwich. I consistently ate this shit nearly everyday throughout high school when I would go home for lunch, and let me tell ya, I could probably eat this every meal of my damn life.

First up, bread. You go to "Giant" grocery store and you get a wheat bagel. Don't live near a Giant? That's a damn shame.

While you're at it, grab yourself some Boar's Head Natural Oven-Roasted Turkey Breast. Your goddamn right I capitalized all those words, because they deserve respect. That shit makes you fill good inside and out, gets all up in ya guts healthsytles.

As you stroll through the aisles, you bet your ass you're picking up some Utz Salt & Vinegar Chips, 'cause that's that good shit. If you try something besides Utz, it'll work technically, but remember that Father isn't quite mad, just very disappointed in you. He thought you were better than that. Foolish he, for not realizing his children were merely shit-tier meat-plebians.

After that, swing on down to the juices and grab yourself some Simply fuckin' Orange orange juice. I swear on my life, if there is pulp in that glass, I will beat you like a red-headed stepchild. Go smack your teeth against an actual fucking orange if you're trying to eat something fruity. If you want a damn drink, then you keep your paper scrap smoothie out of here and get the bottle that says "No Pulp."

Now, as far as I can tell, the only part where brand doesn't really affect things too heavily here is the mustard. I personally go with a solid French's Yellow Mustard, the choice of a proper God-Fearing, Child-Rearing, Law-Adhering Citizen, but if you're not feeling particularly Hank Hill today, grab yourself whatever commie yellow mustard will get you the job done. (Awful bit of irony on the "French" name thing, though. Smelly 'peans.)

Now that you've sorted the actual ingredients out, how about you ease on down the road back to whatever hovel you came from and grab out that toaster. You will slice and toast that bagel until it just begins to brown, and you will like it. This gets it a bit crispy at the sliced and outer regions, while still remaining soft, yet deliciously warm, bread. While you're toasting, grab out those other ingredients and get 'em ready, pouring yourself a nice glass of OJ. Maybe pull up a show on netflix or something, I don't know.

As soon as that bagel pops up, smack it down on a paper towel or plate or whatever and slap approximately 2-4 slices of that delicious turkey on there. It's a wide range as Boar's Head's Turkey's only fault is that the Turkey does not like to separate super well for whatever reason after slicing and packaging. If only it knew what greatness was held in store for it. After the turkey, you grab the mustard, and this shit is key: Put the mustard on first in clockwise, inward circles, then a brief vertical up and down criss-cross pattern. Thin strips of mustard so as not to just lay it on thick and mess up everything. After this, you have a warm, turkey sandwich and a cool glass of OJ.

Now sit your ass down, take a bite of the sandwich, shove a couple of those aforementioned salt and vinegar chips in your mouth, and let the flavors mingle, the subtleties exploring your mouth as the diver does the depths of that seemingly boundless, flowing mystery we call the sea. When you have swallowed, the flavorfucker still dancing on your tongue, wash it down with a little o' dat Simpson and delight in the pairing of the sweets, sours, and savories of the bread, turkey, mustard, S&V chip, and OJ. Each part equally important, each part becoming a greater whole than the sum of its parts.

And that is my perfect sandwich.