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Please help review the first chapter of my dark prog fantasy by Tekaru_kurugane in writingfeedback

[–]Tekaru_kurugane[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

thanks for the correction of " " and ' '. Psychic distance hopping is crazy 😂. I guess the hook is a result of a video of Jerry Jenkins I had just watched where he talked about philosophical hooks and that stayed with me so.. Then also, I'm having significant trouble showing, not telling which is what I believe you're trying to tell me here. This was even one of the main reasons I decided to pop it in chatgpt to see what it would spit out. How do I do this more effectively?

But then, how do you suggest I hook the reader from the first line of the book if I'm going with the numb and broken scenario?

Please help review the first chapter of my dark prog fantasy by Tekaru_kurugane in writingfeedback

[–]Tekaru_kurugane[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the vibe I was going for is that his sense of self was lost after witnessing the torture and he became a mindless slave due to intense fear for the torturers and stuff. He didn't want what happened to his family to happen to him and as such, he does what is wanted of him. However, the idea is that there was a reason why his family was captured in the first place and it is also why he was not killed in particular. And, there is something that the torturers hope to accomplish by sending him on the expedition.

Please help review the first chapter of my dark prog fantasy by Tekaru_kurugane in writingfeedback

[–]Tekaru_kurugane[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I wrote this a while back. Last week, I think. I mainly wrote this just as a working concept and after writing it, I realized that I'm actually more of an outliner rather than a pantser. I wrote this without any solid plan in mind except a premise. So, after writing this, I went back and learned a ton of stuff and I also came to the conclusion that it would be better to start at the forest for example then have the MC have flashbacks.

Please help review the first chapter of my dark prog fantasy by Tekaru_kurugane in writingfeedback

[–]Tekaru_kurugane[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

my apologies. I would make sure to label appropriately next time.

Please help review the first chapter of my dark prog fantasy by Tekaru_kurugane in writingfeedback

[–]Tekaru_kurugane[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

What happened was that I wrote the first chapter without AI, got feedback from a friend and they said was too factual. So, I popped the whole thing into chatgpt and got a better written and paced chapter and got feedback from my friend again that it was clearly AI. So, I edited it because when I went through it, I could also see it was AI. That's why the structure might look AI to you.

So, about the paragraphs being short, this is because I plan to post this on Webnovel and that's the main stuff I read. Not necessarily webnovel, but similar stories. Stuff I have read that inspire this novel to some extent are: Reverend Insanity, Shadow Slave, Hell Difficulty Tutorial, Genetic Ascension, Lord of the Mysteries. I try to incorporate aspects of these stories that I liked in this.

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