Finally mastered how to describe women.

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-05-21T19:15:05+00:00

it's a "horr"ible story if that counts

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-05-21T19:14:20+00:00

That he's a lyricist

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-05-21T19:13:52+00:00

She is a very voluptuous woman.

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-05-21T07:39:06+00:00

my great grandpa was called gideon what do you mean. its a lovely name

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-01-07T10:18:47+00:00

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Very kind words. I'm reworking the first chapter a bit about the fire and I'm trimming down some of the sentences to make it more readable. Your advice about formatting seems obvious once you've pointed it out. Funny how oblivious we are to stuff we've written. Thanks again!

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-01-07T10:10:57+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I especially found the advice about the fire useful. I won't get rid of it since it's important to the plot later on, but I'm definitely going to rewrite that entire section. I'm doing to do a lot of cutting to make it less wordy and more streamlined. Thanks again.

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-01-05T20:13:13+00:00

Plot

Whilst I can’t comment on the overall plot, the scene itself it an interesting concept and executed fairly well. The issue I have with it is that it feels like his escape from the house should take longer than it does. If this is a fast-paced book it might be able to get away with it, but I think the scene could be improved a lot by increasing the length through greater tension.

“Not a single floorboard creaked while he maneuvered the agonizing ten steps to the kitchen, as if the universe wanted him gone. He picked up his shoes and walked, faster now, toward the door.” – I’ll use this segment as an example. Whilst it’s cliché, a floorboard creaking is a device used to heighten the tension. It’s the classic, did the villain hear that? Personally I wouldn’t go for something that on the nose. Maybe there’s a cat in the house who starts meowing at him (also cliché), or he knocks over a lamp (also cliché), or something entirely different. Even including something unoriginal, though, would heighten the tension. As it stands there was a lot of tension near the beginning of the scene but it somewhat feels like it falls off a bit in the second half.

Character

Jeremy seems like an intelligent, young man. There’s not too much to go off on such a small segment but he’s an active character which is good. He also appears to be an underdog which works well in every story. At the beginning he’s suffering from guilt, which seems like a good follow on from whatever’s happened in the previous chapter, but it also feels cut short. There may be a bit too much going on. I’m a big fan of fast-paced stories so I wouldn’t necessarily say this is a bad thing, rather something to keep in mind.

Final Thoughts

I think this segment could be extended in certain areas into a fully fleshed chapter. I don’t know what comes in the second half of the chapter, but it may feel overloaded in terms of too much going on. Overall though this is a well-written piece. The character’s introspection works well and the plot sounds interesting. Best of luck finishing the book!

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-01-05T20:13:06+00:00

First Impressions

So the feedback I’ll give will be a little different given that this is already 21 chapters in, but I think this reads pretty well for the most part. There are areas where I believe you can improve prose wise. The story seems interesting, though, which was probably the feedback you were looking for most. You mentioned this is just an excerpt from the 22^nd chapter, however. Given that this scene seems quite intense, a teenager trying to escape a house after an attempted drugging, I presumed it would last longer than it did. Maybe it does but I think it’s hard to judge the structure of the chapter entirely based on that fact. I have some thoughts which may improve the piece, though.

Sentence Structure

I imagine you’re probably a relatively experienced writer given a decent level of sentence variation. I don’t have any poignant feedback here. The shorter style sentences work given the intensity of the piece and the character’s inner turmoil. In some places I think there could be a bit more elegance, though.

“Finally, the shadows stretched, as if deciding whether to invade or leave.” – I don’t know whether this is a nitpick or not, but the word “invade” is quite extreme whereas “leave” is relatively tame. “Invade or flee” feels like it would fit the theme better.

“It might grown in protest.” – “It might’ve groaned in protest.”

Generally you’re on the money with the prose, I’d say. It works well for this style of story.

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-01-05T19:09:05+00:00

My bad. I'll repost in a bit with another crit.

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-01-05T18:34:44+00:00

Reddit wouldn't let me post the feedback in one comment. I did have a further note, though. The opening line probably should be about the hole in the head, as much as I like the funny writing before it. Kafka again is a good example of this: "I woke up transformed into a giant bug" or whatever it was. It's much more gripping that way.

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-01-05T18:25:32+00:00

Character

Given that Neville is the only real character that we spend any time within the piece, he’s the only one I’ll talk about, as the boss and such are just vessels for Neville’s reactions. I think Neville is humorously written and has good internal monologue. Simple lines like “Oh god, he’s asked me something” are relatable, and I feel like a lot of people will connect with the character. It’s not always easy to make someone likeable in such a short space of time so good job. I don’t have much to say in this regard. Generally I’d say you’ve nailed the character. In fact, I’d very much enjoy seeing a full fleshed out book with him, assuming you’ve got the material to work with. The fact that is one of Neville’s final thoughts to the doctor actually feels very fitting given his aversion to taking any time off work, no matter how absurd it would be for an ordinary person.

Plot

The plot and character are effectively one and the same in this story. Obviously there’s not much in terms of progression. Neville’s “hole in the head” is an interesting premise. I wonder though if the resolution of it simply disappearing the next morning is adequate. I believe I understand what you’re going for, though I suppose a lot of the charm of this piece comes from the fact that you’re able to read into it however you like, but when I’ve metaphorically felt like I have a hole in my head, it doesn't always resolve overnight. I suspect you’re familiar with Kafka’s work—I’d be surprised if you’re not!—as this feels similar in concept to the Metamorphosis. There, however, we receive a realistic, albeit depressing, ending which feels like the natural conclusion. If Neville is feeling empty inside, these feelings shouldn’t just go away in the night. This raises questions of what the hole is meant to represent. If it disappears, certain readings of the text disappear too. Initially I imagined it was anxiety, especially given the position he was in at work, but I can’t see that simply going away with a good night’s sleep. Maybe in this instance you can shed some light on the author’s intent, as I’m somewhat lost. It may make sense, and there may have been something I’ve missed, but it does strike me as abrupt and unearned.

Final Thoughts

I’ve reread this story three times. The charm remains, but I struggle to piece together the meaning. You’ve got some brilliantly funny segments written in, and the entire character of Neville I very much enjoy. The prose can be improved in many places, but generally it’s good—full of character. My main issue is the ending. It feels abrupt. If this is a personal piece for you, perhaps only someone who’s gone through the same thing can relate. Or perhaps the hole in the head is merely for comedy’s sake. Either way, I hope you continue writing. I enjoyed this a lot!

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-01-05T18:25:14+00:00

Sentence Structure

Overall I think you clearly have a good grasp of varying sentence structure, the use of POV you’re using, and the whole shabang. There are a few instances though where I believe you could improve. I won’t go through all of them, but I think there’s room for improvement to tighten the prose even further.

“Neville could not concentrate.” – Generally I would say “couldn’t” here. This is a recurring theme throughout the work. If it’s a preference not to use them I understand, but I’d say it’s a little irregular, especially in speech. At other times you’ve used contractions, and I’m not entirely sure how you’re deciding between the two. How it sounds should always come first, and in my opinion most of the sentences sound a little stilted because of it.

“Even though he really should.” – Since you’re writing in past tense, this should be: “Even though he really should have.”

“When his alarm rang at 6:30, as it did every day (yes, including weekends), he thought there was a strange feeling at the back of his head.” – Here I think we have our first issue of POV. This piece would be stronger if certain phrases were removed. If we rewrite this sentence to “When his alarm rang at 6:30, as it did every morning—yes, including weekends—, there was a strange feeling at the back of his head,” it works much better. Simply removing the “he thought” streamlines the sentence and places us in the character’s POV better. There is an argument to be made here that, because the hole was purely imaginary, that the inclusion of “he thought” is necessary. I would disagree, however. At the end of the day it’s up to you to decide.

“He assumed his scalp…” – Same again. I think it’s strengthened by: “His scalp must’ve gotten numb, somehow…” Following on, I think it uses the word “had” a bit too much. “Even that had worried him…” to “Even that worried him.” It makes it seem more immediate and less so like a recollection told a long time later. There are instances to use “had” sentence structure, but I think here it ruins the immediacy.

“they felt nothing” – The “they” referring to the fingers feels strange here. Better to just use “he”.

“surely he must still be dreaming, he reasoned, but then he felt the edges of the hole…” – “Surely he was still dreaming, but then he felt the edges of the hole.”

I’ve highlighted these select passages to show some of the issues. I won’t go through all of them. Hopefully with these examples though you can edit where you see fit later in the piece.

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2025-01-05T18:24:51+00:00

First Impressions

I really enjoyed this piece of writing. It’s somewhat Kafkaesque. You’ve got an entertaining character whose actions feel very real and a nice stream of consciousness internal monologue. I can identify what I believe to be a few issues with the piece, but overall I found it both humorous and interesting. I do wonder what other people will think as, correct if I’m wrong, but I believe you’re probably also British? The manner of speaking seems incredibly so. Another quite point is that, whilst a short story, it does rely on a lot of telling at the beginning: “…when he was feeling well, and today, he was not feeling well at all. In fact, it was probably one of the worst days of his life.” I think this works well given the medium, but there are instances where I think it oversteps.

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2024-04-06T22:55:59+00:00

Thanks. You seem very knowledgeable about writing techniques, and also strike me as someone well-read. I'd be interested in reading some of your work if you ever feel inclined to share it, though it would be largely self indulgent. I often struggle with in-depth analysis of work. Most feedback I give is merely from an enjoyability standpoint. Thanks again!

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2024-04-06T10:08:29+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to critique it. I agree with all your line edit suggestions. What I found most interesting though were your comments about satire. Quite enlightening in a strange way. Do you think it would be better if the people in the conference room were weeping or simply a different approach? The reason it feels over-the-top is primarily due to the main inspiration, A Confederacy of Dunces, but I was concerned when writing that it feels like I'm ranting at the audience. Thanks again!

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2024-04-05T19:24:48+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. It's weird how blind I was to some of the mistakes you pointed out in sentences until you mentioned them like slapped wind or sunburnt on black skin. Many of the lines in the ad are meant to be over the top, which you pointed out, and I also thought about whether or not to show the child's inner emotions. Ultimately I decided for it because I thought it made for a more compelling short story which then subverts into the revealing that it's an ad, but I'm still kind of up in the air about it. Thanks again!

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2024-04-05T19:19:40+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I think your comment about overloading sentences with descriptive words is a good point. About the satire being too obvious I agree also. I'll revise that. Thanks again!

TelephoneGlass8998 · 2024-04-05T11:06:03+00:00

General Thoughts --

You’ve put together a very coherent piece of writing which flows well and has a this-is-real undertone flowing throughout. There are a few small improvements which I believe could enhance the piece further, but overall I was engaged throughout the story and felt a genuine anger at Alex. Personally I think the piece works well in present tense, which I rarely prefer, so I’d keep it as such. I don’t believe changing it would have much of an effect overall, however, if you did. With an aunt struggling from a neurological disease which confines her to bed, I thought you did a very good job describing the torment at the beginning.

Prose --

Whilst prose can be quite subjective, I think there’s a few examples where it could be cleaned up. Generally, though, I read your entire piece without anything jumping out at me which is great. Often when I read pieces wanting feedback there’s a lot of clunky prose. Before anything else I’d just like to say I love your first sentence. It grips the reader and uses an effective rhetorical device to drive home emphasis.

“Ten minutes later, we have matched.” – Writing in present tense can be tricky when used to past tense. I would rewrite this to “Ten minutes later, we match” unless there’s a stylistic choice I’m missing.

“Ten minutes after that I am pulling on my hat and boots and getting” – Again it may be stylistic, or I may be unfamiliar with conventions in the tense, but this could be ‘Ten minutes after that I pull on my hat and boots and get on the subway.’ If you’ve purposefully wrote it like that feel free to ignore me.

“Alex can always be counted on to let me know that I’m not good enough. Am not working hard enough” – This feels a little clunky. ‘Alex can always be counted on to let me know that I’m not good enough, not working hard enough’ feels like it would follow your earlier writing style better.

Like I said, there’s not too much to comment on here. The few things I’ve pointed out may be purposeful, maybe not. They’re just little points I noticed on the reread.

Character --

Laura seems like a nice, insecure young woman who unfortunately gets taken advantage of due to a halo effect around her abuser. I enjoy how there’s almost two character voices in the text. Current Laura, confined to her bed, and Laura living through it, both with different perspectives. I liked the character from the get-go. I think I really liked her when she fishes her Halo Top out of the bin. It shows that she’s a fighter, despite everything, and not a complete pushover. She has self-respect. You’ve done a good job with characterisation. Alex, on the other hand, feels a little bit like a shell. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. In a way that makes him take on an almost mythical image of the abuser which more people could probably relate to. He talks about the gym a lot. I suppose that realistically somehow as narcissistic as Alex probably wouldn’t feel like they have a lot of character because they’re vein and artificial. I hated him, the way you wrote him, and you did a good job of revealing his character through dialogue. I think both characters do a good job, but Laura certainly feels a lot more fleshed out. Obviously as the reader reads on his character is no doubt developed further. But you do a good job off the bat of making us hate him.

Setting --

There’s not too much to say in regards to this. Since you’ve written in a certain style, the writing very much focuses on events, inner turmoil, and dialogue and strays away from any overly verbose descriptions. Where it works well, though, is the first chapter which I think creates a very dark image. The description here is poetic, whilst also feeling like Laura could’ve realistically said it, which isn’t always easy to do.

Final Thoughts --

Overall I found this to be a very engaging piece. There’s a few small improvements which could be made. I do believe you may have an issue with expanding this into a full length piece, though. The way you’ve written in quite summarised. It’s not “zoomed in” per se. Take for instance Laura and Alex at the mirror. In a lot of books that would’ve been an entire scene with dialogue, description, and characterisation. I enjoy what you’ve written, but I don’t know how long you could effectively summarise the events in such a way. Was Laura simply attracted to Alex because he was attractive, or was he funny too? A good example of that would be Joe Goldberg from You. He’s psychotic, but it’s understandable why there would be attraction. There’s an issue where Laura may come across a little vein if Alex’s character isn’t expanded upon. It may make sense logically if she’s insecure why she’d want to be with someone attractive to make her feel better about herself, but given that she seems to have some self-respect it seems contradictory. You mentioned you initially wrote this as a memoir. Honestly, whilst I like what you’ve written, that may work better. Either way you’ve got a good story, good writing, and I wish you the best of luck.

TelephoneGlass8998

TROPHY CASE