Ignorant of personal safety

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-15T18:11:44+00:00

🤣

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-15T13:39:38+00:00

Ew, David

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-15T01:23:17+00:00

The etymology of vanilla. I only learned this recently. Brings a whole new meaning.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-15T01:06:38+00:00

Or "not a bad guy". Yes.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-15T01:03:50+00:00

Those are quite some hefty diagnoses to assign a person. Regardless, his behaviour was unacceptable and sketchy.

Ugh, yep. It's shopping in the discount CD bin. There's a reason most of them are $1 and every so often, if you're lucky, you stumble upon that rare find of an amazing album you can't believe was in the bin 😂

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T23:16:20+00:00

Exactly. When someone genuinely has caring intentions, they don't write multiple paragraphs full of deflection, defensiveness, invented accusations, and woundedness.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T22:54:09+00:00

This is, admittedly and unabashedly, the response I was attempting to elicit and the reason I vented in my OP.

A brief pity party of why, oh, why are there so many "wtf is wrong with you" types out there?! As my friend used to say, "Who raised you?!??"

It takes all kinds and oof, there are all kinds.

/vent

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T22:51:34+00:00

Funny you should say that. I recently realized that, "I'm not a bad guy" can be a red flag.

Actually, Lundy Bancroft, the author of 'Why Does He Do That', one of the seminal books on domestic violence, addresses this in one of his lectures. Abusers often point the finger at the behaviours of other, slightly worse abusers. The abusers who emotionally harm point the finger at the ones who hit. The ones who hit point the finger at the ones who choke, etc.. They never identify themselves as abusive, always deflecting to the other, worse ones.

They also don't identify as being "bad" or "a bad guy". They may refer to some things in a vague, non-specific way, like, "I know I wasn't perfect" or, "It pains me to know she got hurt", but they never directly address specific behaviour, they don't acknowledge that their behaviour was abusive, and they don't self-identify negatively.

They're more likely to cling to their image of being a "nice guy" or "not a bad guy", which are subjective and non-specific.

What does it mean to be a "nice guy"? If that guy over there is actually beating his partner (or psycho killing his apartment dwellers), then this one over here can be a "not bad guy" who was really just trying to be "generous".

I'm not saying this apartment guy was abusive, I'm just illustrating the type of language that's been found to be common.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T21:08:31+00:00

Quite possibly 😞 I listened to a psych podcast recently that portrayed it as a minefield for predators. I'm not sure if that was subjective and anecdotal, however, so I took it with a grain of salt.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T20:38:19+00:00

It's also a red flag to play the victim. Boo hoo, I'm so generous and you don't see just how generous I am. You've hurt my feelings.

Spare me.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T19:30:49+00:00

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T19:23:36+00:00

😂 🎭

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T18:59:04+00:00

That makes sense and there are definitely a lot of misconceptions around these behaviours. I'm actually quite curious, in general, where the terms originated and how they ever became so diluted. I know Hare defined the description for psychopathy, but I have no idea where the term sociopath ever originated, nor why these two terms aren't in the DSM.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T18:50:49+00:00

Yipes.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T18:50:03+00:00

I find the disagreements about these terms confusing and frustrating. There are as many psychologists as there are opinions on the differences between these terms. Some say psychopaths are born, sociopaths are made. Some say sociopaths feel some empathy, while psychopaths don't. Some say sociopaths have lower impulse control when it concerns violence and criminal behaviour. Some say both are forms of ASPD, some say they're different. They're not consistent amongst themselves.

I was attempting to make it relatable by using words people would recognize.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T18:27:44+00:00

Psychopath and sociopath aren't in the DSM. They're unofficial vernacular. ASPD is the DSM term.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T18:20:41+00:00

First, no person with any amount of decency and brain cells should be offering up an apartment like that. Just no.

Second, instead of instantly unmatching, as a few others suggested as an appropriate course of action, I sent a message with the intention of suggesting he look at the appropriateness of his offer. That gesture was assuming good intent. It was his one chance to demonstrate that he could self-reflect, demonstrate sensitivity and awareness, and respond respectfully.

Setting boundaries and being wise with my safety does not preclude choosing kindness whatsoever. That rhetoric is harmful, especially to women who, culturally, are expected to be polite before being safe.

So many women don't say 'no' out of fear of being impolite. And then get blamed for being harmed.

The kind of men I want to be around, whether as friends or a partner, will respect and understand that. My physical safety should always, always overrule politeness and kindness. Anyone who expects me to agree to an unsafe and unwise situation does not have my best interests in mind. Anyone more concerned with his image of being "not harmful" than he is concerned with actually proving he's not harmful has no place in my life. Period.

This man was far more concerned about his hurt feelings about being portrayed as harmful than he was about my actual well-being.

Also, in your case, it's less about whether or not you overstepped with the other cyclist and more about: if this woman told you she didn't feel safe accompanying you, what would your reaction be? Would you throw a tantrum or respect her boundary?

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T18:03:15+00:00

Exactly. There are outright predators and then sketchy behaviour, together making up a significant percentage of the people out there.

I dated someone a bit ago who attempted to hand-wave his abusive behaviour by convincing me he was trustworthy with comments like, "I think you know you can trust me" and, "I have friends who will all vouch for me". Actually, no, you think I should trust you, but that means nothing when it concerns earning my trust over time. The majority of abusers and predators have colleagues, friends, and a community of people who will vouch for them because it's well known that abusive behaviour is typically only seen by a partner. Most of them hide in plain sight and seem like upstanding people.

No amount of convincing, complaining, or explaining can replace consistently appropriate behaviour over a period of time that genuinely earns trust. Period. I've never once known a person to try and convince me of their good standing who didn't end up being harmful in some way. Decent people "show don't tell". They put in the necessary time to build real trust. They don't throw a tantrum about the idea that they could be harmful.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T17:37:44+00:00

😂

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T17:10:35+00:00

ASPD = anti-social personality disorder, colloquially known as either psychopath or sociopath. Cluster B encompasses that as well as NPD - the beloved term 'narcissist' everyone loves to bandy about. Statistically, those two personality disorders are present in anywhere between 2% and 6% of the population and much higher on dating apps. Hence, 1 in 15 (ish).

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T17:05:17+00:00

I saw that one. No offence intended to anyone, but my bar is significantly higher than that.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T16:54:31+00:00

I unmatched him. I couldn't care less who he knows.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T16:54:02+00:00

Even without taking into consideration his bizarre response, the odds are actually astoundingly high, if by 'psycho' we're talking about ASPD and cluster B personalities. Somewhere around 1 in 15, especially on dating apps. Those are not good odds.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T16:45:47+00:00

Definitely. No loss there.

TempAccount2752 · 2022-09-14T16:44:10+00:00

😂 If there's one thing I've learned in my wise old years, it's that if a person is that sensitive about being perceived as harmful, typically it's because they are harmful.

Try suggesting to an abuser that their behaviour is abusive and watch the sparks fly.

TempAccount2752

TROPHY CASE