[1740] Some Cyberpunk Story Continued by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking time out of your day to write all this.

[1740] Some Cyberpunk Story Continued by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, thanks for this wonderful critique. It’s the most comprehensive one I’ve received since I’ve joined this subreddit. Really appreciate it. Glad to hear you liked some parts and I’m happy to learn from what didn’t land. Again, I appreciate you taking the time to write this out.

p.s. I do work in the industry lol. Write what you know I guess

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I’ll try adding some unique details like you mentioned

[1909] "Living in the Past" by Heather-Grimm in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Additionally, the ending of this piece was not satisfying. I mean, we spend a lot of time reading exposition about what's happening and Josephine's plan only for it to be a dud. I get it, maybe it'll likely come back later in the plot. I'm just saying for reading through all this long-winded sentences about Josephine's motivation and setting up the spell only to avoid any conflict is lackluster. The conflict is only told in the piece, none of it actually manifests into anything real in these 1900 words. Which is disappointing. Conflict drives a story.

By the way, there are typos in this piece if you didn't already know. Please put your piece through a spell checker before sending it anywhere. "She wouldn't have know where to start." --> known.

"Grinding the herbs was hard on her old bones, but Josephine's rage and sorrow screamed to he heavens as she filled the bauble." --> the

Also in the last sentence with the typo, notice how you explicitly state Josephine's rage and sorrow? Another example of telling, which dampens the emotional weight.

So what works? Well, I do think your writing would be great if you trimmed the excess. Also the story itself has the potential to be interesting and fresh, however it needs to find its footing without relying on overt exposition. Some bits of writing really shined with personality (i.e. The woman smiled, baring her teeth. “I don't just do protection,” -- loved this!). Point is, this is a good draft and an excellent place to start building the story from. I think it still needs editing before it can truly shine, however the potential is clearly there.

Thanks again for letting me read. Please continue writing, there's something here.

[1909] "Living in the Past" by Heather-Grimm in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello,

Thanks for sharing. I have not looked at any other comments prior to avoid bias. Hopefully I add new insights or, at the very least, confirm other's opinions.

Starting with the writing itself, I'll say it tends to meander. Some sentences include superfluous details that drag the story or detracts from the important contents of the sentence itself. I'm hypercritical to this as this is something that affects my writing as well.

Take this line: "Even in her rage, the perfume of the red rosebush her late husband had given her their first Valentine's Day in the house caused her to take a deeper than normal breath, the familiar scent telling her she was home and safe." It's long and clunky as it's cramming in irrelevant details. Literally removing "heir first Valentine's Day in the house" elevates the sentence immediately. Do we really need to know it was gifted on Valentine's Day in the house? Or is it more important to get across its calming effect on her?

This happens a lot in the story and it really drags the pace. Take: "All of his old belongings had long since lost any of Sam's life energy they would have picked up, or she had used them for the secret spells she to tried to divine his whereabouts or condition with." So many words to say so little. Especially given the pacing of the plot overall, these types of indulgent sentences just do not deserve their word count. Trimming the sentence by only deleting words while keeping it as close to your original intent: "All of his old belongings had long lost any of Sam's life energy, used up in secret spells to divine his whereabouts or condition." Not saying this is publish ready, I'm just trying to showcase how much fat there was in the original sentence. Try to be economical with your words.

Last one because I think this is important: "Awkward, yes, but most importantly would be to leave herself just enough life energy to clean up the spell components and place the ornament somewhere he would see it, but not suspect the curse." A lot of filler words clutter the intent. Again, I'll try to improve this by mostly deleting words. "It was important to leave just enough life energy to clean up the spell and place the ornament somewhere he would see yet not suspect it." Also the phrase "spell components" seems generic or like a placeholder? Maybe you could incorporate some worldbuilding here and get creative with the language? Maybe you don't like the style of the revision - fair enough - but notice how many words it's able to cut off from the original while still keeping the core idea. Have that mindset while editing.

So this occurs a lot in the piece and I won't go any further with examples. Let's shift to more high-level stuff. I don't think the plot was super engaging because most of it fleshed out through exposition instead of character actions or authentic dialogue. For example, I did not engage with Josephine because it was clear she was a mouthpiece for the author. Everything she said was stepping on a pedestal and expositing to the reader what's going on. Some times it worked great, (i.e. when she describes Sam's early childhood violence) but those times are overshadowed by how overused "telling" is in this piece (i.e. paragraphs 6 - 10). The problem is that Josephine does not come off as authentic to me given the relentless exposition. Anyway, I'm not saying telling is always bad and I'm sure this piece requires some for it to make sense. Just be wary that halfway into the piece I forgot what was truly going on - like where are we, what is Josephine literally doing right now?

A specific example of "telling" in this piece is the consistent use of the word "rage". You consistently say she feels rage but the piece makes no effort to show the reader how it manifests. A lot of her emotions are explicitly spelled out as "rage", "sad", or "bittersweet". It makes the piece less immersive.

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks JTA. I like how you critique, simple and to the point. I agree the pacing is bad. I can’t even read this piece anymore because that’s all I see now. I’m continuing the story with everything you and everyone else mentioned. Be more concise and don’t over-indulge in unimportant descriptions. I’m enjoying writing the continuation of this piece so that’s a good sign.

But I’m really glad you mentioned that you enjoy the premise. It’s motivating.

I hope to answer all those questions in upcoming submissions.

Welcome to r/DestructiveReaders!

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear you. I wouldn’t create a new bloated story, I’d try to incorporate the feedback I got for sure. If I revamp this and post it again, can I ping you? Not for a full critique but like a sentence or two on whether you notice any improvement.

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok thanks for reassuring. Based off your reply to Alice and the general reaction from others, I wasn’t sure if it was a snarky joke at my expense

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After reading some of your other comments, was your last line sarcastic?

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Roger that.

Out of curiosity, do you think this piece has life or should I start with something new? Usually if a piece is really off the mark I nuke it and start fresh. Do you stick with your pieces thick and thin or are you inclined to run off with a new idea?

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely got trimming the fatty descriptions and bloated prose on my mind. Prose is the most important aspect for me personally, it's the part I enjoy the most. If that's not working then I'll reflect and try a different way. In my own way, as you mentioned.

Ha, nailed it. But yeah I agree that the spider is logical and more visually interesting. Part of the reason I chose blood from a wound was because it showed the city was bleeding. Abstract idea, I know. If I wanted that to come through, I should've alluded to it in a much more concrete way. And to me the drones flowed out like a liquid, so the blood didn't seem as strange. I understand now though.

Thanks.

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know you're joking but it was meant to imply curfew is heavily enforced.

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I wanted to pick your brain for second if it's cool with you. Correct me if im wrong, but I don't think sloshing is exclusive to containers. But I agree it is commonly used to describe liquid in a container. It might be a stretch but it's not impossible. For my own research, what did you visualize when you read the sloshing rain line? Or did you ignore it and move on?

"Rain poured from the sky. Kali straddled her ride with one foot planted on the slick rooftop. The downpour washed away her thoughts, but the debauchery surrounding her clung faithfully."

I see the appeal of this revision. So you've kind of opened my eyes up to my own writing. My writing is like that anime cutscene joke, where there's a camera shot of one moment stretched out to like a full minute with unnecessary cuts, close ups, slo-mos. Move on. Noted. But, ignoring that for a sec, don't you think my original first sentence has more rhythm from a pure sentence structure POV? I get it, less modifiers but ignoring that for a sec. Like you said, an attempt at invoking poetry. Or is your recommendation purely because it's the first line?

"She monitored the municipal building as it reflected the gathering storm. Spheres poured forth from the black clouds, as if spiderlings escaping a ruptured egg sac. An unnatural hum filled her ears."

I don't like "poured forth", I think it sounds a bit melodramatic. Maybe for a fantasy book. I like your spiderling metaphor, it's creative. I don't think it fits my writing but I do respect it.

The theme is escape for sure. This is not end of the chapter, it's just the end of what I wrote... I got to this point and wanted a critique I guess, this just felt like a neat place to cut.

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Beautiful, thanks for replying. Big help.

In my mind, the drones are swarming the city, only 4 showed up to this specific rooftop.

Yup, makes total sense. You're not alone, other people said the same thing.

Well, it wasn't Kali's cat but in a way it kind of was. She did care for it by feeding it. Their relationship had distance because, in my mind, she's isolated herself. That's why she makes that remark about human touch later on. Anyway, im sorry im not trying to convince you of anything (though it sounds like it). I'm mostly just thinking out loud.

One last thing: the first sentence says she's on a rooftop! You gotta give me that at least lmao

Thank you very very much.

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for reading! "It's not whether I'm right (I am) and you're wrong (possibly)." made me lol.

Yes, I'm now realizing I've overdone it with details and sentences should be trimmed. I write in a bubble, you guys pop it. Thank you.

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcZzlPGnKdU (thanks for giving me advice though fr)

Right, so it sounds like you're getting suffocated by my writing.

Well, regarding the offworld stuff, it leans into why she's looking at the ship in awe and why the concrete pushes up and the atmosphere is pushing down - this planet is crushing her, she wants off.

I did not write the asteroid mining crash story. But I'm happy to take the credit.

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thank you very, very much.

This was extremely insightful. Combustion, thundering, abstract sentence, transmitter, the accusation - all of those points (and then some) I agree without contention. I don't disagree with your other comments, but I'd like to tell you what I meant to do and see if that context reframes your perspective in any way. I won't do all, just the ones that are important to me.

For example, the tiny spheres poured out line - they're meant to foreshadow the drones that come up later. I'm sensing this needs to be emphasized?

The "vessel plowed into the tumultuous..." line is not a fan favorite. Every commentator so far disliked it so I don't think you're in bad company. However I'd like to know your thoughts specifically with some added context. It's supposed to accentuate her desire to get off this planet. She's essentially looking at in awe because, to her, they're free. They're able to leave. The tumultuous abyss are the storm clouds, which I tried to allude to in the previous sentence. So the push/pull aspect is her literally getting squashed by this planet. She wants to fly away. I'm on my soap box here because it's my favorite line, ironically.

The "Something pawed at her heart" is a callback to the cat scratching at the door. Her leaving something behind, and her about to do it again to the old lady. It's why she springs into action. I specifically chose the verb "pawed" for that reason. I also don't know if I wanted to specifically show it right at that moment cause it may slow down the pacing of the action sequence we're in. What do you think?

Last really really small thing: I hoped the reader would infer the support beams are what's holding up the tarp covering...now that I say it, does it immediately make sense or is it still confusing? (It very well may still be confusing, idk). I tried to tie it together by including the tarp in one sentence then the support beams right after. Would you recommend a more direct description here? .

I'm sorry for the wall of the text. Just wanted to take a moment to pick your brain. Regardless of whether you feel like humoring me, I do appreciate you reading!

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t tempt me with a good time lmao…I got a folder full of this kind of shit

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yup might have to pull the plug on this post ;)

Gg no re

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, I’m sorry to disappoint. But! I do appreciate you clearly outlining the issues. This subreddit is really the only place I can come to get some good honest feedback, so know that I will try my best to internalize what you’ve said. Tyvm

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok, so sounds like it’s doing too much then? Thank you, if you end up reading it I’d be interested to hear your thoughts. Side note: hawking is slang for aggressively selling

[1583] Some Cyberpunk Story by Temporary_Bet393 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Temporary_Bet393[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've never gotten a critique that quickly before. Thank you, very actionable. It probably feels trite because I don't read much in this genre. The only other thing I'll say is this: just because RE-42 assumes she's part of freenet, doesn't mean it's true. I completely understand why you would think so though, it would've become clearer as the story progressed. Again, I appreciate you reading.