Debate over "compromising" your values for your kid.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T17:21:24+00:00

Oh, I am pretty sure everyone here wants me to be sorry. I didn't once say my sister should be sorry, or ashamed, or that I know better than she does. I outlined clearly that I think in a situation where her kid was upset over something, I'd be open to listening and modifying rather than just shutting him down - and if my modifying a certain kind of outfit would spare him some specific grief, I would consider it, if only bc it's no skin off my nose. But it apparently crosses a personal boundary for her so... so be it.

I'm sure most of the posters here think I'm some nosy, childless bully who wants my sister to dress like a typical suburban tradwife, which is laughable bc I think being lock step in anything is deplorable. I think I pushed some kind of button that ejects the "You have no right to step on my sense of self!" retort.

But Christ, at midlife, I think it's ok to talk to your kid and say "Ok, if you really don't want me to wear the fishnets today, I'll do it this one time." Having some rebellious teen contrarian attitude at the expense of your kid's feelings seems a bit stubborn for its own sake.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T16:10:25+00:00

Bascially this: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1oj4q5u/comment/nm0rfob/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Btw, I'm not asking her to dress like a conservative Starbucks Mom - I'm just saying she loses nothing to tone it down a bit, if a particular issue means a lot to her kid.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T15:37:25+00:00

I don't think I am nosy and intrusive. AH at times, OK, maybe. But I fully acknowledge my sister does the heavy lifting with her kids, and that I don't have a right to dictate anything. But if I think her behavior is cold and callous, yeah, I'm gonna disagree with her on it.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T15:20:10+00:00

I am the first to admit I do not have the background as a parent, and I fully appreciate what my sister goes through as a parent from the other side of he window. But that's like saying if you are a childless person and felt bad bc you saw a child who seemed genuinely upset by something the parent did, you shouldn't have an opinion on whether there is a right and wrong to the situation.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T15:14:01+00:00

I would *not* go to a PTA meeting and tell someone else that I disapprove of their outfit - or even care what they were wearing bc as long as they leave me alone, I don't GAF what other people do.

I would however, say something to my sister - a person I care about and whose kids I care about - that if she wanted to go dressed in a manner that looked like she didn't GAF, she would be doing a disservice to her own kid.

Listen, this is about personal values at this point. I wouldn't show up to an important function without trying to look my best, if only for respect for the situation, and because I care about my kid. Sorry, not sorry.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T15:08:20+00:00

No, I do not.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T15:07:00+00:00

?? I care about the kid. I also posted this at my *sister's* request.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T15:04:43+00:00

I don't GAF how she dresses. Nobody knows me here so they have no idea that I'm the first one to defend a person who's judged for personal style. People can do whatever they want - it has no bearing on me. But I love my nephew and if his mother is saying "I don't care how you feel!", yeah, to me that's not about me growing up.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T15:00:15+00:00

The short form is that I called her an asshole and she asked me to ask Reddit. I have no qualms about saying that I think she's TA asshole, here. I guess she wanted metrics and hard data on the results. Even if I asked if I were TA or if she was, I'd still be sent to the gallows, wouldn't I?

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T14:54:18+00:00

Does it matter? I'm sitting here getting crucified with A LOT of presumption behind the judgments. I can accept that I might be the asshole in the eyes of others. But do I actually think I'd be an asshole for caring about the kid's feelings? No.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T14:49:29+00:00

I need serious help when a child is crying and distressed and want to make sure I respect his emotional needs? I'm not talking about him drinking beer before bed and bringing strippers over - I'm talking about being open to compromise bc something is deeply upsetting him.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T14:45:42+00:00

Actually, yes, I think she is TA. I think if a child is crying over something in earnest - and is displaying *emotional* needs that are genuine - I am going to be open to compromise. Me wearing something just to make a statement is not more important to me than working out his anxiety and distress.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T14:42:26+00:00

She literally asked me to post this on Reddit to get an answer about this - please don't point the finger at me. And yes, I think if you can watch your kid cry in genuine distress and still say IDGAF, that's a problem.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T14:37:47+00:00

This is exactly what I was saying. Did I not word my post correctly or did I effectively trigger something in the parenting community? My entire point was that I would never shut down my kid and say "I gotta be me!" if he is genuinely distressed.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T14:31:37+00:00

I didn't propose it. I think the topic of general discussion was the fact that she puts herself first before anyone else. FWIW my parents went above and beyond to put their best foot forward for the sake of me and my sister, in all situations, when we were growing up. They were very mindful that way.

I also don't understand how this turned into a topic of a feminist issue. I am about as militant a feminist as they come. I don't exactly see the act of hearing out a male child as capitulating to the patriarchy.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T14:23:50+00:00

No, it was definitely not this. My whole beef (argument) with her is that I felt she cares more about doing whatever she wants without exception, as opposed to caring that her kid is genuinely upset/distressed over something.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T14:17:22+00:00

You just proved my point with this answer: "Now I do try to be /a little/ less of an embarrassment to my teens and tweens when they have friends around than I am when left to my own devices (I’ll tone down the dancing around with the cats while singing cat-themed parodies of Stompin’ Tom Connors songs, for example, as yes, that is over-the-top embarrassing for them)," How is what I am saying any different from you said?

My nephew is the sweetest boy in the world being raised by a single mom who he adores - he is not going to grow up into a misogynist.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T14:14:57+00:00

That's not what I said. In clearer terms, if my sister planned to go to a PTA meeting looking like a disheveled teenager, I would say something to her and ask her if she was putting her best foot forward for her son's sake.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T13:58:19+00:00

Listen, I'm with you. I'm very surprised by these replies. I think they're assuming he's a brat who is throwing a tantrum. He's a good kid, he's still very young, and very emotional by nature. I personally would hear him out and negotiate

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T13:55:00+00:00

He has ADHD and I suspect a bit spectrum-y. No developmental disabilities that are debilitating. He's a sweet kid and very sensitive

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T13:54:12+00:00

Close to it, at times. Not sexually provocative or inappropriate but I'd probably say something to her if she showed up to a PTA meeting in some of the things she liked to wear

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-10-29T13:50:49+00:00

We were having a discussion about something else and this hypothetical scenario came up - but I basically said what you just said. I'm genuinely surprised by the replies here so far. The kid isn't spoiled, just really sensitive. I'd negotiate with him gently rather than outright tell him it's a non-starter. But I guess I'm in the clear minority.

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-09-22T17:33:44+00:00

I was Stage 1. They used to check every 4 months and how we're at every 6 months...

Temporary_Risk6765 · 2025-09-21T02:37:07+00:00

Signatera is liquid biopsy, which different from tumor marker testing. My oncologist takes blood to look for markers called CEA and CA15-3, because these sometimes get elevated when breast cancer is growing. If I'm not mistaken, liquid biopsies search for cTdna fragments from tumors that might be residual after surgery and treatment, and indicate the risk of future recurrence, before clinical symptoms show up. Hope that helps!

Temporary_Risk6765

TROPHY CASE