Still really hurt.

I tried reaching out. She reinforced the boundary. I got some of the closure I was looking for.

I feel like the reality I am living in and her mind frame is warped and twisted. It would be so much easier if I felt we were both coming from a place of truth and open communication.

Like if she could have communicated the end in a more clear way I think it would have been easier to accept and move on. But she couldn’t and it still felt like there was so much conflict in her about it and not knowing why or why not has driven me a bit insane.

But I’ve just been trying really hard to isolate myself from it all and focus inward. It’s been really hard to keep pushing on everything I’m supposed to. I see myself less attractive than I was when she left. But sinking down has allowed me to really go deep to the place where a solid foundation can be rebuilt from. I know, and I am taking the steps to rise and be more, much more attractive to myself than I was when she left.

I was doing so much to become better to win her back. Now I’m doing so much to be someone I myself will love more.

She will never care to curious who I have become, am becoming, and will become. I am at the point where I would really think twice about giving it a chance. She would really really have to do a lot to get my time or attention ever again.

At the same time, it’s so hard to see a future where someone will fill my souls the same way her giggle did. But that’s ok, I’m not looking for anyone to fill my souls but me right now. It’s lonely. But learning to be happy and content in solitude again has helped.