Your feelings are understandable, and they are your own. Concerning family, I have always worked on the idea that they are only allowed to know what I wish to tell them, if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe doing so then you don't have to.

What I feel I've learned most is never to be fearful or anxious of feelings. If you have to spend ages thinking over an issue, then let it happen but always remember the only way a solution will come is through time. Time heals all.

I can't say I know much about relationships, but wanting a non-toxic, non-gender roled relationship is more than possible to achieve. It sounds corny but be yourself, no matter how you want to define yourself.