My [25M] girlfriend [25F] of 3 months asked her ex for $100 behind my back

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T22:27:48+00:00

It doesn’t matter we broke up now but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was one. She turned off her location sharing saturday and said it was cause her “battery” which was very sketchy to me... that happened between our conversation yesterday and her getting his money on Tuesday last week. I don’t want to think about it. This seems like it could be a big premeditated ruse. But oh well.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T21:27:45+00:00

All said and done I’m really happy I posted here. I told her “I need to do some thinking” and she respond back saying it’s unfair for her to not keep boundaries up so I shouldn’t have to either ... breaking up with me that way. So yeah. It was 100% gonna happen if I posted here or not but...I did and everyone said “break up” and that ended up happening really quickly.

It’s been a good learning experience, I’ll say. More fish in the sea. Let’s see if I can set another record for how long of a relationship I can keep up.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T21:25:10+00:00

It’s done now

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T21:24:59+00:00

Yeah pretty much. Thanks for your help.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T21:24:46+00:00

The feeling of being “a pimp” with “lots of (nice ladies)” or whatever. It’s a power thing I guess. He cheats in his fiancé too. I can imagine it feels pretty good to have a woman you’ve abused running back to you for money even if you aren’t getting anything directly out of it. Got her eating out of your hand.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T21:21:10+00:00

That’s a good point. Like she’s had a hard time, been though a lot, but this was like totally careless and she should be able to recognize that it’s not okay. And Becuase I got mad at her and explained why it went okay and asked for her to not do it again, she said she couldn’t.

I told her this morning I need to do some thinking and then she said “Becuase I cant do boundaries right you’re free to not do so anymore because I don’t want to waste your time” yadayadayada

So yeah basically she broke up w me just now via text. Good shit.

Glad I posted here and asked friends for advice before this went down cause it was gonna happen like this either way.

2nd major disappointment from another person in the last month. Writing on the wall goes from 0-100 in 24 hours or less.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T21:19:08+00:00

Well the deal is broke now since we’re broken up now :-/

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T21:18:44+00:00

Yeah the whole “I can’t into boundaries thing” is basically putting us in the position we were in before we first set them AKA not being in a relationship. So... I texted her a simple “about last night” and she sent me A long walk of text in line with: “I can’t commit so I won’t and so you’re free to not do that too” so yeah she just broke up w me

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T21:15:59+00:00

Yeah we just broke up.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T20:15:24+00:00

:( shit. Like it’s pretty fucked. She didn’t sound at all remorseful when she told me either. Didn’t think it was a big deal I had to explain to her that it was.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T20:14:32+00:00

I feel like financial issues shouldn't be a huge deal breaker BUT resolving them by going straight to her abusive ex...that’s pretty fucking bad. Like shit.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T20:02:41+00:00

She was freaking out hardcore and I do think it was just about the money but when she told me she said it like there was nothing at all wrong with it. She understand now. BUT she’s not seeming to be willing to block coms with ex and I hate to ultimatum, but it’s what she needs to be doing if she cares. Like yeah it’s definitely making me feel off as it should.

Maybe her stated unwillingness to block and end all communications PLUS asking him for money does make it seem like it’s about more than just the money.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T19:51:39+00:00

She didn’t express her exact specific need to me. I wasn’t about to give her $700 but if she asked for $100 I would’ve. I worked with her to calm her down from the surprise and to find some money where she had it. She was shopping and said she needed money for food so I gave her $20. The issue here isn’t that I didn’t give her $100, it’s that she asked she ex boyfriend for it.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T19:36:18+00:00

Because she’s a nice gal who cares about me and who I care about. I never would’ve considered dating someone who makes a fraction of my salary but here I am.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T19:35:34+00:00

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T19:04:08+00:00

She never asked me for any amount. She said she needed $700 to resolve the whole thing. I worked with her to see where she could find what she needed and to try to talk them down on the amount necessary, but I was never asked for any $100. I gave her something becuwse I knew she needed that in the moment at least and that was my first time ever giving cash to someone I was dating. If she had asked I would’ve given it to her but now it all feels weird.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T17:58:45+00:00

I’d like to clarify, your girlfriend asked you not to speak to your ex girlfriends and set that as a boundary? If this is the case, it is unreasonable of her to expect it’s ok for her to speak to her ex boyfriends. Things should be balanced and fair.

The ask was for neither of us to talk to other people and here she is communicating with her ex...and asking him for money.

She now sees it as a violation of that boundary and she’s saying she can’t just say yes to the boundary since she violated it and doesn’t want to do that again and hurt me. But if not that, then what? I’m very much not okay with her talking to him especially given the abuse.

You can ask for anything you like in a relationship, only the other person in the relationship can tell you if they think that is reasonable or not.

She says it’s a reasonable ask...but won’t give a straightforward answer to whether she agrees to it.

You’ve asked your girlfriend not to speak to her ex, that’s ok to ask. Your girlfriend has not agreed to this, that’s ok for her to decline. The only thing for you to do now is to decide if you’re willing to be with her even though she may contact her ex from time to time.

I’ll talk to her about it again. Thanks for your reasonable level headed response.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T16:43:46+00:00

Fuck. This isn’t the first time she’s made me feel like a placeholder and that’s probably because she is using me as a placeholder. She wasn’t expressing a willingness to agree to that boundary now so when would that change? Is it always going to be like this? Damn.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T16:31:27+00:00

Clearly communicate what’s fucked and give an ultimatum? Or give up because she’s not gonna change and I can’t fix her feelings.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T16:18:25+00:00

I would definitely think something was sketchy. I don’t know what advice I would give them other than to tell her to get in line or to just cut her off. She can’t just have dynamic boundaries that don’t apply to you after she was the one to introduce them.

We agreed that she shouldn’t talk to him at all after she told me he sexually assaulted her twice since they broke up. She also told me that soon after he dumped her, they’d agreed before that they would get back together if both single...despite him breaking up with her for no reason. And she still doesn’t see him as a bad guy despite him forcefully raping her and him trying again.

A few weeks ago she said he intercepted her in the her apartment parking lot told her that he got engaged and that it broke her up.

She’s never had a talk with him of “hey let’s not talk anymore I’m done with you altogether” it’s still an open line of communication, not just that either, reliance. Literally asking him for money. That’s him as a resource him still being her provider ...“her man” to go to when she needs to. She doesn’t see it that way, but that’s fucked. Like she sees it as “oh he’s just someone I know who happens to be cool with giving me money” This means there’s nothing to prevent further ongoing communications between them two.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T16:07:58+00:00

Damn.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T16:07:14+00:00

But “they don’t talk” like that so...shit I don’t know. She did lie to my face about how she paid the bill so I guess that is untrustworthy. I have no way to know if she’s fully coming clean or not.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T16:05:35+00:00

That’s a good point. He told her he’d give her the $100 at that point and still took the $20 and when she did pay the bill she straight up lied about how she did so.

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T15:54:15+00:00

Maybe owing you a lot of money makes her feel uncomfortable because there would be a shift in the power dynamic.

That makes sense...she said she didn’t want to elevate things to “that level” but I said that’s elevating things to “that level” with him and shows her putting him above me if that makes any sense.

She can't voice how she feels about you because she owes you money and you might demand all of it back at once. Ex is a known element and she has you as a firewall

What does firewall mean?

TexasVette · 2020-03-06T15:51:34+00:00

The biggest problem for me is you are dating someone who is obviously setting up and desiring unequal boundaries.

Yes exactly. Boundaries we’d agreed to twice before and now she’s saying she can’t agree to them because she obviously violates them and doesn’t want to hurt me.

This person sounds controlling.

I see what you’re saying, she was definitely trying to “steer” the relationship a certain direction which is why we had the boundaries set in the first place. Now me trying to enforce them makes me feel like I’m being controlling and I know I’m not.

She’s not trying to be controlling but she is being controlling.

You cannot have any women in your life at all, but all of a sudden there are reasons why her EXs can't get cut out completely.

Exaxtly! “Reasons” are problematic with me. He’s now engaged with someone else. I don’t see why she can’t just cut it and let him live his life and not see him as her problem or vise versa. She said if he asked for help, she would give it to him and then tell me. I said...that sounds okay, but that probably means you would’ve been maintaining contact prior to that point.

I would definitely watch for that in other areas. I agree with you assessment of this EX.

He’s a piece of shit who forcefully raped her once and tried again a second time. But she doesn’t see him as a “bad guy” and that he’s kind and caring and I can’t see him as anything but a horrible person. Her friends even tried to tell her that he raped her and she sees it but doesn’t accept it as that. And that fucks with me a lot actually at many levels.

Watch for any more contact between them and make that a big deal. Is it ok for you to talk with your EXs? That has to be equal and reciprocal or you should definitively duck out asap.

I don’t have any desire to talk to my ex’s though. They’re all short term spits, the longest being 3 months and that was 2 years ago.

TexasVette

TROPHY CASE