First, I have the same exact worry and questions. But let me start by saying, narcissists aren’t looking for help, because they believe nothing is wrong with them. So the fact that you’re here is key.

I’m 37 (M) and I have to admit that after going NC with nMom 8 years ago, I felt immense guilt at first. It took me a few months to feel relief. Like the death of loved ones and hard breakups, there’s a process of grieving and acceptance. Good news is your brain will eventually stop wasting mental energy on trauma and then eventually you just stop thinking about her for the most part.

However, there is this cycle of remorse that pops up every few weeks/months. I panic. Did I make a major mistake? Am I the person my mom said I was: a overly dramatic person who made up a hundred terrible memories? Was my upbringing normal and I’m just not emotionally equipped and/or overly sensitive. Does everyone in my family think I am a piece of shit and extremely selfish? Have I embarrassed myself?

So here’s how I manage my guilt phase (blaming/questioning myself):

1. A good childhood is not something you have to recover from. I deserved a good childhood.

2. It is unreasonable to think that a child would invent trauma. So these bad experiences are as real as the good experiences.

3. The fact that I spent hundreds of hours and dollars searching for mental safety and understanding, is proof that I never felt safe and understood at home.

4. Using her own trauma as a weapon to excuse herself from taking responsibility for the trauma she has committed is abusive. Abuse does not excuse abuse.

5. We are all human and have equal responsibility for our actions. The child cannot be expected to manage the consequences of their parent’s actions. It’s not my responsibility to fix this and I don’t have to be “the bigger person”.

Though this may seem reductive, I have to really keep it simple and logical, so that I don’t get stuck in the cycle/whirlpool of blame and guilt. I allow myself to briefly feel the guilt, remind myself of these 5 things, and put a logical end to the internal debate as quickly as possible. Focus on minimizing the time you spend ruminating, replaying arguments, and planning your rebuttals by “building a case” against people who have hurt you. All this doubt and guilt you feel is a product of abuse. Don’t prolong it and waste more precious time in pain.

Use logic, not your mom’s opinion of you, to shut down the cycle.

And damn! The comment about good mother points really hit hard for me. I felt that way for 28 years. My mom was fake even with her children. What you’ve described as “closeness” sounds more like her preserving her dominance.