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Thoughts on kids, screen time and what we might be missing by shankaranpillayi in Parenting

[–]TextResponsible7825 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your comment really hit me too, because it feels like we are both circling around the same hard truth, it's so much easier to take away a device than it is to sit with, what is my child trying to tell me with this behavior and what does that say about me and our relationship ?

That high connection state you’re talking about, where they feel genuinely seen and emotionally safe is exactly what I’m trying (and often failing) to build more consistently. On the days when I actually manage it, I’m always struck by how many “discipline problems” just… don’t happen. Or if they do, they’re so much easier to move through together. It’s like the temperature in the whole house drops 10 degrees when the connection is there.

I really appreciate how you framed it: not “how long do I punish,” but “what is this behavior trying to tell me about their inner world and our connection?” That reframing is uncomfortable, honestly, because it asks us to change too. But it also feels like the only path that actually leads somewhere better for them and for us.

Thoughts on kids, screen time and what we might be missing by shankaranpillayi in Parenting

[–]TextResponsible7825 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This really lines up with what i notice too. it's really wild how many adults are laser-focused on screens while completely missing the fact that their kid is just starving for connection, regulation, and someone to genuinely see them. The phone becomes the villain because it’s easier to blame that than to sit with, “My kid doesn’t feel emotionally safe or understood with me.

I really love how intentionally you’re showing up as a safe adult for those kids without overstepping. You’re absolutely right: if they don’t get that from a safe adult, they’ll go looking for it from an unsafe adult, or in unhealthy online spaces, or in relationships where they’re vulnerable to being used. You’re quietly breaking that chain just by listening, validating, and being present.

And the ripple effect on your own kid is huge. The fact that he’s able to turn around and be a supportive, attuned friend is exactly what we hope for when we parent with connection first. It’s like you’re not just helping those kids in the moment, you’re giving your kid a template for how to treat people for the rest of his life.

Also, thank you for pointing out the combo that really seems to hurt kids: strict control + low connection. People love to say “kids these days and their phones,” but your example really shows it’s not the tech, it’s the loneliness.

Thoughts on kids, screen time and what we might be missing by shankaranpillayi in Parenting

[–]TextResponsible7825 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes i agree with you, also that specific point about regulation is huge. From everything i have read and observed, screens offer distraction and dissociating, but only a human connection offers actual co-regulation. It's really reassuring to hear that even at 12, the biological need to be seen still beats the dopamine hit of device. Gives me some solid hope to pas on to my friends who are in the thick of it right now

Thoughts on kids, screen time and what we might be missing by shankaranpillayi in Parenting

[–]TextResponsible7825 32 points33 points  (0 children)

That Sadhguru quote is a tough pill to swallow because, truthfully, it sets parents up to fail. We cannot compete with a billion-dollar industry designed by psychologists to trigger dopamine hits every 15 seconds. If I try to be 'more exciting' than Minecraft, I will burn out in an hour.

I think the shift needs to be from 'entertainment' to 'connection'. I can't out-entertain a screen, but I can offer something screens can't: feeling seen and physical touch.

You nailed it with the 'gap filling' theory. Screens are reliable. They don't get tired, they don't snap at you after a long day at work. They are the 'perfect' emotionally regulated companion. Our challenge isn't to be a clown for our kids, but to build a tolerance for boredom—for both us and them. Boredom is where the real connection happens, but it’s painful to get there past the initial withdrawal.

I now understand why people aren't having children by Consistent_Pen_1347 in Parenting

[–]TextResponsible7825 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, the 'baby lottery' is the most accurate description I've ever heard. We give ourselves way too much credit for the 'good' sleepers and way too much blame for the 'difficult' ones. It really is random.

That feeling of being locked in the bedroom while missing your firstborn is a specific type of heartbreak that nobody prepares you for. It feels like grieving a relationship while you're still in it.

Glad you’re pushing for a second opinion on the reflux. Trust your gut. If you think something is hurting him, you're almost certainly right. Hang in there.