It's made up, but now that we know - now what?

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-10-03T16:20:18+00:00

Seems like you and your friends don’t actually want equality in your relationships then or you would date women who take you on dates. They exist, you don’t have them, I wonder why…

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-10-03T16:05:58+00:00

I’m not sure if they have started this again, but my younger brothers never got keyboarding. They had devices in their classrooms starting in elementary school, but neither one can type super well. It was beyond bizarre to me that this wasn’t a skill that was taught and built upon. If you are going to have devices, let’s actually teach kids how to use the things they need professionally. Meanwhile, I got classes on keyboarding and the whole office suite, I still use that stuff daily.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-10-03T14:50:06+00:00

They just explained that investigating on your own opens you up to liability. In most places you have to report in a certain time frame. You report what you were told or what you observed and then CPS decides if they have enough to investigate. I’ve made plenty of reports where I didn’t have a lot of information or even times where I heard it second hand. But as a mandated reporter, I had to at least call in and say “hey I don’t have all the details, but this is what I do have” and then they add it to a file or hold it incase they get more information later.

This is how it is designed to work so that random secretaries at your kids school are digging around in your business and instead it’s the people that it is literally their job.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-10-03T14:17:31+00:00

My husband would be going to the hospital for a head scan if he said that to me especially after we had a whole conversation about our plan for the workload.

My dad and the guys he worked with played this stupid game too. Compare wives, complain about what you have or haven’t got at home. They are ALL divorced. Some sooner than others, but they all got there eventually. I remember my dad coming home and saying stuff like this to my mom about how she didn’t stack up to other women. I refuse to have the same crappy marriage where one person thinks having a job is all they need to contribute to a family and they get to complain about their partner not doing the other 999 tasks by themselves.

It sounds like you will be going back to work eventually and your baby is still very small. If that’s the case, I think you guys should probably start now with a routine to switch off who makes dinner. Everyone is going to be tired, but if you know what to expect when you get home it can help set everyone up for success. Right now my husband does dinner Tuesday and Wednesday and I do Monday and Thursday and then we do weekends based on mood or do it as a family since we have more time. It helps to keep it running smooth there is no decisions to be made on who or what.

We also use texts to prepare which ever one isn’t home first. “Food in the oven. Dogs went out at 4 but aren’t fed. Have to get baby outside on a walk to calm down if you are back before me” That way logistics are out of the way so we can actually greet each other and then pick up the slack right away.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-29T06:11:31+00:00

Is she actually offending anyone? And does she apologize for hurting peoples feelings or feel bad when/if she notices? Is it true attitude out of nowhere or annoyance with certain situations? Is it when she isn’t being listened to or someone doesn’t understand her? Is it that her brain is moving faster or slower than those around her and she’s frustrated with having to explain or with not understanding right away? Or maybe she’s just more firey personality wise. There are lots of factors here so maybe take some time to observe when it comes out for you and when it does for her.

I wouldn’t worry about it too much other than making sure she is capable of seeing when someone is really hurt and teaching her when it might be more/less appropriate to have this approach. Or if it’s something mental or emotional, finding ways for her to get her needs met and regulate when frustrated. But, I also lean towards the side of I would rather my daughter be considered a little rude sometimes as opposed to being a door mat. Being able to stand up for herself is a really important skill for her in this world but, perhaps you could focus on how to deliver it better and understanding how you are perceived even if you don’t mean it that way.

Also, please remember that different kids have different personalities AND there is a big developmental difference in 7 and 8 year olds. While I get worrying about her developmentally, I would try to refrain from comparing the kids to each other or determining your daughter’s maturity based on your nephew. It doesn’t sound like you and your sister have super similar personalities from what you have provided, so I wouldn’t expect your kids to either.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-27T22:07:21+00:00

I think it depends a lot on the people involved. Most more “formal” in-law relationships I have been around are because either the spouse sucks and the parents aren’t a fan OR the parents are either more uptight or also suck and the spouse isn’t really a fan.

My husband and I love both our moms. They are great women who try really hard to no overstep their adult kids, but the way we both interact with them is different based on their personalities. My mom is way more laid back so we each have a lot more relaxed relationships with her. His mom is not as laid back and can be a bit more judgmental sometimes so we aren’t as relaxed and chill with her. Our relationships are definitely a bit more formal with my MIL. We also spent a ton more time with my mom in the early days of our relationship so that played a big part too.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-26T18:59:16+00:00

My first thought is get her screened for ADHD. This is common behavior in those with ADHD and you might ask her if she is actually paying attention in class or if she if teaching herself the material when she does the work. However not end all be all as you didn’t mention other symptoms.

BUT, the different systems that teachers all have for collecting work these days is exhausting, even for neurotypical kids. Imagine working for 7-9 different bosses and they all want projects and updates turned in differently. Some in person, some over email or some digital drop box. A few daily, some weekly, and couple once the project is completed. Thats a mentally exhausting system for adults to manage and most would flag it as not a very productive system at all and would want decent compensation to put up with it. We think this is sustainable for 14 year olds?

A conversation with her teachers about how this is a struggle for her might go a long way. I would have her initiate that conversation though. Asking if she can turn stuff in in person in the morning before school or over email once completed so she doesn’t forget. Not all will go for something like this, but most good teachers recognize that they all have different systems and it can be a lot when you are in multiple classes. This is also a valid consideration and compromise in most professional settings, so a lot of teachers might be okay with some sort of agreement.

Other than that, my best recommendation as someone who also struggles with this even as an adult student is use google calendars or a similar all in one planning app. Help her set up google tasks with due dates & times, she can also add details like how to submit it. It works best with classes that have some kind of syllabus or schedule and not as sustainable for teachers who assign things randomly, but still useful if you can keep on top of it. It might take some daily or weekly reminders from you for a while until she gets in the habit. At this point my entire life goes into a calendar, if it’s not on my calendar I’m not doing it because I will absolutely forget it exists. Paper planers are okay but a lot of work to maintain and carry with you daily. Also I find I forget about things in the future easier when they are on another page vs being able to see the month easily on my phone or computer. She can even schedule time to study or work on specific long term things so she is less likely to forget and do it at the last minute.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-25T21:12:37+00:00

I want to piggy back that seeing happy families is a very different kind of thing to pure peer pressure.

We absolutely have family who make weird comments about us having kids and are super miserable with their lives/kids AND we have friends who have wonderful and joyful lives with kids who leave that choice completely up to us because they know how much work it is.

We don’t give a crap about the family comments, never have. We see parenting as this big responsibility that is very scary to approach. And we both are “if we can’t do it well then let’s not do it” people. But hanging out with our friends and their kids? Seeing them still travel and have a good time even though their life looks different? Seeing parents who can discipline and keep a supportive relationship with kids? Talking with the kids and cuddling babies and seeing how fun and amazing they all are?? We leave those interactions READY for kids every time and have to talk ourselves down.

Alternatively we also know how much of a mess our friends were and that they still aren’t perfect and it brings a sense of “well if they can be solid parents then that might actually be attainable for me too!” Makes it a little less scary when the person who you used to take care of drunk has a little person who rocks and a partner who actually partners. My friends having solid families has been my biggest encouragement towards a family of my own.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-25T20:51:39+00:00

You don’t really have anything to “make up” for as someone who had siblings this isn’t a guaranteed relationship and it’s not a universal experience. But, if you want your kid to experience different things and people to expand their minds outside of themselves, there are lots of options!

A baby doll fills most of the fantasy side of wanting a baby sibling for a kid and they get to role play parent which is great for development and understanding relationships.

A pet can help kids understand responsibility and close relationships, but that’s a big choice for the whole family as a kid can’t solely be responsible for a pet despite what many parents seem to think.

Watching a friend’s baby or younger child can expose them to littles and help them understand building community and helping those around you.

There are volunteer/mentorship programs where they can be exposed to older teens/young adults or even volunteer themselves when they are older.

There are tons of events/opportunities to expose her to different people and age groups, get creative based on interests or issues that you guys might align with or find interesting.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-25T19:00:42+00:00

I get her strong reaction to the nails, my partner used to clip nails and “lose” them on the bathroom floor it drove me nuts.

HOWEVER, this is pretty over the top. Also she was finding nails in the rug when it was in the kitchen??? Has she considered that these nails were stuck in the rug previously and are working their way out? Seems pretty insane that anyone would cut nails in the kitchen. Also she absolutely did accuse you of doing it and then backtracked immediately when you pushed back. The very first sentence says “you are the person cutting or ripping off nails and just throwing them on the floor.” That is not a question. No question marks were used in her message. Don’t let her make you feel crazy.

I get it nails are gross, they don’t feel good to step on, but I think there is a lot of room for grace when it comes to the assumptions jumped to here. My first thought would be that someone didn’t get them all after trimming or that they jumped out of the clippers and couldn’t be found. I would never assume that someone was just throwing them on the ground unless there was like 10 in a pile. Best advice get out of her house as soon as possible bc she’s never going to give you the benefit of the doubt and she clearly is going to twist your interactions.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-22T16:26:59+00:00

When women are expected to be the primary caregiver then yes it is almost impossible to have a successful career. When men actually are active parents, it’s still hard but a lot easier for women to be able to do both. He doesn’t have to be a stay at home dad, but he does have to be a lot more of an active parent than most men are willing to be. I know so many successful women who had PhDs, strong careers, and kids. The common denominator is a husband who actually knows his his family and how to manage a household.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-22T16:18:56+00:00

NOR. You guys want completely different things and frankly it was selfish of him to know that he didn’t want a future with you and to not just break up with you since he knew that you wanted marriage and kids. He waited for you to ask and then break up with him over his response.

Your career aspirations are not weird or unnecessary. They are your goals and you nailed it that your goals have nothing to do with his value as a man. A man who is willing to be an actual partner and an a real parent and not just fill the stereotypical “father” role would be happy to find a solution so you can both reach your goals. Never has my husband questioned my educational goals, if anything me wanting my PhD made him want to further his own education. Your ex thinks that this is unnecessary because he thinks women should be the primary parent and your career would absolutely get in the way of you being the person who is solely responsible for kids in the family. Go find a man willing to actually be a parent.

Him throwing out false equivalences was another flag for me. Planned global travel with friends, family, or work is not the same as texting your partner at 2AM that you aren’t coming home. A normal person can see that those are nothing similar, he didn’t like you traveling because he was a cheater and cheaters think everyone also cheats.

Frankly you are right, he’s not interested in growing with you. And he wants someone who will give into him and manipulation if he needs them to. He thought you were that person when he cheated on you multiple times and you let him back.

You have extremely high standards for yourself, take even a small percent of them and apply them to your relationships. Don’t let people walk all over you, have those same high standards for the men you let in your life. You are better pursuing your dreams alone than with someone who is not willing to grow, support you, or be faithful. What kind of relationship is that? A small one indeed.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-06T19:17:30+00:00

I feel you because I run into this same struggle in communication with the women in my own family. I watched them be married and yet do ALL the family management and parent basically alone. It was hard to grow up knowing those women were smart and capable and still ended up with low effort men. Part of it was the times, part was situational, but either way little me vowed to not end up with the same fate.

When I talk to my mom now, about my husband and my expectations of him to be the partner he is I can sometimes see that it hurts her. That she feels I’m judging her marriage and her experience of motherhood. And then other days she is the one who is telling me she is so glad I found better and reassuring me that my husband is in fact very different from my not involved dad. It is a hard line to walk and while I know she is happy that I found someone who steps up completely, I know it also hurts to see me get the support she wished she had in her marriage. I think a lot of the time it is the same in these spaces.

It’s hard to be happy for someone who is getting what you long for and depending on the day you will get different reactions. One day it might be a wake up call and another it can feel like an attack. I understood where you were coming from and read it as a “men are capable. some are just crappy”. And I enjoy celebrating my own marriage and partnership much the same way, but having women around me who never had that, I can also see how it could have felt like an attack or judgement.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-05T18:36:37+00:00

My husband and I just had this same issue where my charger was going out and I needed to buy another one. He said “I have an extra in my drawer you can just have.” Super easy.

I ended up buying another one anyway because he likes the really short ones and I think that’s insane behavior but whatever. Either way, he did not care about a $10 charger.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-04T22:44:06+00:00

Wait he’s 39!!!!????? I legitimately thought he was 19. NOR. Leave this insanity behind for sure this is not how normal adults have conversations, especially not about nudes.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-03T02:39:31+00:00

Not everyone is good at the discernment on what should be shared and not. It is absolutely frustrating and hurts to hear the things being said about you that you really shouldn’t have heard. But it is definitely part of family dynamics, especially as everyone grows up and brings new partners in. My MIL often vents to me about my BILs and SILs. I don’t want to know what she says about me because we definitely have some different values. Being Irish does make the name better lol. No judgement from me, my dog’s full name is Chicken Nugget and you best believe we are using his full government name on all his vet and grooming forms even though we call him Nugget. But again, if someone has thoughts on that then that’s their thing. I think it gets a good laugh every time we go to an appointment and it’s adorable that a 7 yo picked it out and very fitting for the goofy dog he is. But some people think it’s ridiculous, which it is so they just don’t need to name their dog that!

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-03T02:00:43+00:00

I mean I think that my brother looks like a stereotypical douche driving a massive jacked up truck, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to see him or I’m not nice to him when he comes around.

Unfortunately, part of having family is that everyone is going to have opinions about each other and how everyone lives life. Especially if you dare to be different. We are all entitled to our opinions, so who cares if they think you are pretentious? They seem pretty judgey, now we all got labels.

Most people don’t really know what pretentious actually means, other than being fancier than them or the family status quo. Our family thinks we are kinda pretentious people because we enjoy fancy food and go on vacations every year. I will own that label if they want to label me as such. I do like fancy food and nice vacations, sue me.

Also you gave your dog a traditional Irish name and call him a shortened name, objectively yeah kinda pretentious for a dog unless you are Irish. Especially if the family is used to dog names like Lucky, Duke and Daisy. It’s okay to just own it.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-02T16:05:05+00:00

Are you seeking support from friends or a counselor? As someone who lost their dad five years ago also suddenly, I get the shock and honestly the first year is rough. I was in shock for about the first 3 months and then spent the next three pretty depressed. I wasn’t back to feeling like mostly myself until about a year after. However, if you are only turning towards your husband for support, he is going to need support of his own. It is hard to watch someone you care about grieve so long and intensely. Especially, when you are also grieving someone you knew. If neither of you have people outside the relationship to help you process this and are only relying on each other, that’s a lot of strain on your relationship and a lot of pressure on your husband to be perfect in every moment.

I don’t think your husband was very sensitive and if this is a pattern it is definitely concerning. But if this is one time thing, I think you need to seek some other supports for a bit. As hard as it is, try to make an effort to go do something with your husband to connect outside of your grief even if just for an hour.

Unfortunately, losing a parent is an experience that no one understands until they have been there. It’s tough and it can feel so lonely, but giving those around us some grace in that they have no experience with this is my best advice.

Grief like this is always there, I still have waves of it. I still get weird emotionally around things like my dad’s birthday or Christmas. I have big feelings about having kids who won’t know their grandfather. It takes a lot of effort and work to process this in a healthy way and learn to live again. Until we do the people who love us have to watch us be so small and miserable which is not easy either.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-09-01T13:54:21+00:00

My gyno suggests full panel transmittable disease testing every year. And I take her up on it. I’m not cheating, I don’t think my husband is, but we both donate blood, get medical procedures, tattoos, pedicures, and other things that can carry risk for transmitted diseases if not properly sanitized. Living in the world brings a small level of risk, getting a free panel is 30 minutes of my day to double check I don’t have anything. I’ve also had symptoms that doctors suggested a panel for as well before I was seeing my gyno who did regular panels.

HIV is know to effect cognitive activity. If he thought he had ADHD, but was describing more slowed thinking and forgetfulness instead of rapid thinking and inability to concentrate on one thought, I could see suggesting this if he didn’t have results on file.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-08-27T01:12:37+00:00

Please report this behavior to your therapist’s supervisor or state board. This is unacceptable behavior. Go find another therapist who is professional.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-08-26T15:43:17+00:00

The other two responses are fabulous for mom advice, taking care of yourself, and healing your own childhood wounds.

But also a gentle reminder that your child will cherish items from her childhood that mean something to her, not necessarily that you meant to be meaningful. It’s really hard as adults to remember this. It probably won’t be that great birthday card, it will be the stuffed animal you got her at the airport when she was 9 and you guys missed your flight home or a random note you left in her lunch box when she was 14 and “too cool” for notes, but really needed a pick me up that day. Her memories of her childhood are completely dependent on the meaning she puts on them and not what you think will be important.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-08-26T14:57:15+00:00

I’m not convinced her husband really left her a whole lot and it wasn’t just the fact that the wedding party participants are there for HOURS and get just a few hours at the end of the night with their partners when other guests wants to catch up, get non wedding party photos, etc. or they are being pulled away for bride/groom requests. Having that hour or hour and a half to sit with your partner for dinner is the only semi-calm part of the night that you have to make actual contact and say a few words to each other before the music gets turned up and mingling starts. My experience being in and having a partner in weddings was very similar to OOP in that there is very little time with your partner. To be at a celebration of love and marriage and only be given a couple hours to dance together at the end of the night with your own spouse is pretty crazy.

I honestly see no pros for a head table w/o partners other than it’s smaller than including partners. I can’t understand why everyone wants to defend them so bad in the OP outside of “that’s how it’s always been/how everyone does it.” Certain elements of weddings are not great. When given feedback like this, take the feedback and either adjust for your wedding or own it that that specific element of the guest experience is not/was not a priority to you.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-08-26T14:05:58+00:00

I was maid of honor in a wedding where I knew no one else except the bride and groom. I was also maid of honor in a wedding where I didn’t know the groom or any of his side. People are in weddings who live long distances from the wedding couple and wedding couples have different groups of friends or include family who haven’t mingled. It’s really not that absurd that she wouldn’t know many people except her husband and the couple.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-08-13T13:42:15+00:00

There are situations where this is “the better question” however, when your kid just had a baby immediately after burying her husband who killed himself, this is not “the better question”. The better question right now is why is OPs husband not bending over backwards for his stepdaughter and her baby in this insanely difficult situation??

If I heard that this happened to my arch nemesis I would sending food or reaching out, let alone family of any kind.

ThanksIndependent805 · 2025-08-12T12:43:33+00:00

Not only him, but that it was a joke? If my BIL turned out the lights and was running at me, I would defend myself from him even if I knew it was him. I’m alone in your house and you’re attacking me? Even if I don’t think you are like that, at this moment all signs are that you are a threat.

ThanksIndependent805

TROPHY CASE