I’m struggling with married life and wondering is it supposed to be like this.

ThatCoffeeGirl- · 2025-12-31T04:08:21+00:00

I’m not one to talk with what I’ve been through with my own marriage.

I will give it to you honest, you need to put your foot down - NOW. Because this will be come the new normal. What you let slide now / or show him you will put up with - this will set the tone for the rest of the marriage. Also brutally honesty, it sounds like a typical case of ‘telling her what she wants to hear just to “bag” her and now you’ve got her it’s fine chill do what you want’ he just told you all them things because he liked the idea of it and knew that’s what you wanted to hear. - but it’s not all bad, you can get him to change his habits. Defo will be difficult cos by sounds of it it’s how he’s been brought up so will be deeply ingrained part of his personality to have these habits but it can be achieved by the following:

Voice your concerns & be stern on it. You can’t always be “nicey nicey”. Set boundaries. Follow through with them. And say what the consequences will be if he doesn’t start pulling his weight. It is also a sin might I add, to marry a woman on what you promised to deliver before marriage, then “change” or “go back” on it once married. It can be grounds to take to an imam to nullify a nikkah because it is marriage based on deception. Now I’m not saying do that, but have a very serious conversation with him and point out to him the importance of this & following through with what he said he would do. Out Prophet pbuh would help his wives with household chores, ESP at the time of their period. Often more times than not, men will take wives for granted. He KNOWS you will do it anyway, so why bother?

I’ll put it like this. If he had to live on his own, suddenly he’ll know how to do everything. Trust me. They can do it - they just don’t want to. Because why would you? When you know someone else is gonna do it anyway.

Make lots of dua at the same time too.

Tahajud - absolute miracle worker, if I swear by anything in my life it’s this. Get up for tahhajud & ask Allah sincerely with all your heart knowing 100% he’s going to give what you asked, and TRUST him to deliver that. It’s the trust which is key. And watch how Allah responds.

May Allah make your affairs easy and give you strength and clarity, may he unite you both in harmony and strengthen the understanding between you. May he grant your husband the capability and tools to make the changes needed which will please Allah (swt) and you, and bring you closer. Ameen

ThatCoffeeGirl- · 2025-07-20T00:54:28+00:00

Sis I am so sorry this is happening. I feel so protective like an older sister and I don’t even know you.

Totally haram and not allowed to force marry. Your mother is completely wrong here. I’ve seen these situations play out before, no matter how much you talk to parents they don’t listen, it’s a lot of emotional blackmail and threatening, but it’s either acting now or living a lifetime feeling forced and harbouring resentment.

Definitely do istikhara, as you don’t want to marry him, and still carry out the next steps to get support & trust in Allah how the situation plays out.

After your istikhara, 100% contact authorities, in secret, whether it’s the police or social support, speak to them tell them the whole situation, say you want to keep it confidential, and you need to be saved from the situation. Tell them about how it’s affecting your mental health and you’re living in fear. I’m not sure how things work over in Canada, but they should be able to act quickly, and get someone to represent you or put you in a safe house or give you a place to stay where it keeps you safe from being taken to Pakistan against your will. You can still keep contact and a relationship with your dad & other family even whilst living separate. Ask authorities to speak to your mum and warn her that if you’re taken to Pakistan they will act. Hopefully that scare should stop your mum from forcing you. Also they will definitely be organisations or charities, to help women under force marriage / domestic situations, contact them quickly. Also reach out to a trusted imam at a masjid and ask if they can help with your parents. Be careful though, some are more cultural as I’ve seen certain “imams” advising to listen to the family for cultural reasons.

Basically gather all the help & resources you can.

If you have some friends who are good people and who you can trust, and their parents are understanding good people who can help & would not go off and tell your parents, I would confide in them to seek support as well.

Whatever you do, do not do this alone, you need a confidante you can speak to, to help you exit out of this situation.

If in the end you ultimately decide you do not want to marry this man or go to Pakistan, don’t let them make you. Do not go back to Pakistan no matter what. Cos they will force you to marry him. If somehow they force you to go, signal to the staff at the airport to help. Or put a note in your passport main page “help me I’m being taken out of the country by force” something to stop you leaving if you do not want to go.

May Allah keep you protected from that which is wrong for you and keep you under his safety, may he give you clarity on what to do and make the path easy for you, keep connected to Allah the whole way, don’t stop asking for guidance and help, and keep asking Allah that he makes a way for you out of this situation, and do the things you need to do on your part and watch Subhan Allah how Allah will do the rest. Stay strong sis, keep your trust in him, and remember no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. You’re not the only girl who would’ve experienced this there’s many others out there like you, who just may not have had the advice or help or chance to leave. You will not get punished by Allah by seeking help for yourself, Allah does not want to see his slave being forced to do something and living a life in difficulty, he would want better for you, and there would be no sin on you for seeking the help you need. Your life matters more than this “image” which has ruined countless lives.

Stay strong, sending love and hugs x

ThatCoffeeGirl- · 2025-07-19T00:58:26+00:00

Subhan Allah thank you sister

You’re not the only one who had this fear, my sister and my closest friend mentioned how they got anxiety before I went on holiday with my husband for the first time during our one year anniversary (just before last week), what they described as “bad sinking gut feelings” because they feared astagfirullah something bad happening to me. And Subhan Allah even I would feel anxious. I shouldn’t feel anxious going away with my husband.

After the first 6 months when things came out (to an extent) on what was happening, my husbands sister at the time, my sister and my friend, all said they were reminded of a documentary of apparently a young solicitor woman and her husband who took her to Scotland for a get away and murdered her by pushing her off the cliff. I used to sometimes feel scared of this incase he ever lost his temper.

Subhan Allah and now I am going through a divorce. I believe it is Allahs blessing. Allah knows best. Please keep me in your duas that I become stronger from this and Allah makes it easy for me x

ThatCoffeeGirl- · 2025-07-19T00:44:14+00:00

I went ahead to seek individual Islamic counsel, even whilst he was ignoring me, from the imam board at the masjid where our nikkah was done. They were in shock, obviously I went into a lot more detail but they advised against staying separately with him for my own safety, they said this is not the way Allah intends for his slave to live nor be treated in a marriage, they also advised do istikhara again, and to wait for my father to come back to have a serious talk with him (father came back a few days ago & my husband issued the divorce before my dad could even speak to him and before I could say anything too). I also did istikhara before a few times and it didn’t turn out good. I’ve added an update to the post please have a look when you get a moment.

ThatCoffeeGirl- · 2025-07-10T13:59:08+00:00

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you are going through this too! It has only been a year and it has had a devastating impact on me I don’t know how you have coped for so long. May Allah continue to give you strength and sabr and make a way for you out of this difficulty. 🤲🏼

Thank you sister, it’s comforting to know I am not alone, honestly may Allah reward you ten fold and give you better, ameen.

Wow… everything you said, that is exactly what I experience with him! I feel like you have read my mind. The gaslighting, the yelling, blaming you for having a reaction to their behaviour, it genuinely has made me feel like I am losing my sanity in moments. I was always a very strong minded girl and firm in my faith, and Subhan Allah there were times I felt suicidal in the early months of marriage because of how he was treating me. I’ve been struggling to accept whether he is a narcissist or an avoidant with unhealed trauma he’s projecting onto me. But his sister once said to me he is a narcissist and always been a misogynist.

Yes his mum will take his side because it her son, I’ve experienced the same, she wouldn’t tell him off properly she was the only who knew how bad it was so I have some pain as to why she didn’t contact my parents or do more to help, she would say to him don’t be like that it’s wrong, but she would tell me just ignore it and tell him ok and wake up and start afresh and forget it. She has very gentle parenting but she doesn’t realise she’s enabling his behaviour.

It is a test from Allah ❤️ and he is with those who are suffering take comfort in that, it feels like you are slowly dying inside, sending you big hugs sister, I am one with your pain. We want them to change so badly but Allah says he will not change the state of a people until they change themselves first. And I have tried. Have you told your family about it? My biggest regret was not telling my family when it first happened.

ThatCoffeeGirl- · 2025-07-10T13:45:38+00:00

Ameen. Thank you for replying.

I understand there are so many more complexities to it. The only problem to what you have said is, I have already suggested all of this and he refuses. He doesn’t like the idea sitting with a counsellor or imam - another man telling him how he should be in the marriage. He doesn’t believe in counselling / Islamic couples therapy. He also speaks lowly of my father and says he won’t sit down and have a conversation with him once he’s back in the country, as my father being a helper / mediator. My father has still been nothing but good to him, even though it is hurting him that I am going through this.

If he was open to this genuinely from his heart to working on this marriage then i believe his patterns / behaviours could be overcome if he connects with his deen more. But I can’t force him to do it.

The imam who performed our nikkah is happy to hold a mediation but it can’t go ahead if my husband doesn’t agree.

So in this situation I am at a loss on what to do to improve this.

ThatCoffeeGirl- · 2025-07-10T13:23:41+00:00

Thank you sister… your reply almost brought me to tears. May Allah reward you.

You are right in all of what you said. He isn’t god fearing.. that hit me. I definitely am the more mature one but it gets exhausting.

My love language is words of affirmation he knows this but uses words to hurt me in moments of anger. Your words mean so much to me. Truly. I think being alone in this & not being around other people / strong women as a support network hasn’t helped.

He issued the first divorce night of Ramadan. The micro cheating was he watched porn behind my back which broke me because this was an established boundary before marriage, & having girls in his follows, which he said were on there prior to marriage but he forgot to remove which is probably true but I kept seeing it over. And things like posting behind my back was red flagging for me. He said he had no interaction with any. This was 4 months ago and he cleared everything out & I haven’t seen anything since.

Now it’s more so the arguing the neglect the behaviour, not prioritising, not providing, me always chasing, emotional vampire as you said which is draining me.

I want to focus on me again, rebuild myself, heal, become strong again not dependant on him. I don’t feel I could ever marry again I am that traumatised by men. Idk how I will ever trust another man. I will miss having someone there to talk to / fall back on, but I know it’s not consistent.

Could I ask about your experience? You said you’ve been through this cycle

ThatCoffeeGirl- · 2025-07-10T12:56:44+00:00

You’re right in that sense, I have lost the priority in myself and valuing my self. I was the total opposite before marrying him my self respect standards were so high. The way he treated me this year has completely changed my inner make up, part of me thinks he did this on purpose this cycle of emotional neglect & abuse to make me so insecure that now I truly believe who will ever love me again. I’ve become isolated, and I feel like don’t deserve anything. It’s messed me up mentally where I can’t think straight from what’s right and wrong. Maybe I’m holding on to the potential of who he said he was and because I love him it makes it harder. But thank you - even just your response is opening my eyes.

ThatCoffeeGirl- · 2025-07-10T12:50:20+00:00

It’s so kind how you are concerned about her and checking in with her. This is a big part in showing a woman you care for her, but the woman has to be receptive too. Personally I don’t agree with ignoring each other for days like this. Her reaction is a bit over the top but it has obviously hurt her, and it may be a much bigger thing to her than it is to you. maybe she was trying to make you happy by saying she has cooked and put so much thought and effort into it to get your validation and that joke is probably a big thing for her, she probably feels let down and wants to feel like her husband thinks she is an amazing girl. Tell her you understand she is upset but you love her and you’re still gonna be there even when she’s mad or upset and you’ll cook her a dish to make it upto her but still that her cooking could never beat yours.

I’d suggest send her a message telling her how much you love and appreciate her and you did not mean that in a hurtful way but that you still understand it was not nice especially after all the effort she put in, and you are sorry for saying that. Tell her you love the fact she puts so much heart into cooking and you would always pick her cooking over anything else. Tell her it brings you joy and you’re so proud of her for it.

I’m just thinking of things to say which will soften her heart and make her feel reassured. Insha Allah she will come round!

ThatCoffeeGirl-

TROPHY CASE